by Joe Bob Briggs
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"It's about these jerkolas called The Slayers who start out by offing about 45 guys with swords and Darth Vader lasers, only they miss Ken Marshall, which is too bad because it coulda saved us two hours.
Anyway, Ken decides to make like The Beastmaster and avenge all these Slayers, but only after The Old One comes down out of the Granite Mountains and tells him to go kill The Beast in the Black Fortress. The Beast is keeping Lysette Anthony in his eyeball. But before he can fight the beast Ken has to go get this five-edge super-spin-action magic switchblade that's called a Glave, or a Glade, a Blade, a Glabe, I never could tell what the heck they were saying but that may have something to do with Toronado AM static. But even after he gets the Glabe, Ken can't just go kung fu The Beast. First he has to Seek the Vision of the Blind Emerald Seer. Then he has to make friends with a Cyclops and kill a few scumbags. Then he has to Seek the Emerald Temple, only on the way these Slayers rise up out of a swamp like Dart Vader clone mutants, and while Ken is distracted, there is this Fake Blind Emerald Seer who comes along and replaces the real Blind Emerald Seer, but Ken figures out he's dealing with The Changeling and so he tosses the jerk into a vat of quicksand. But now he doesn't have a Blind Emerald Seer anymore, so Ken asks the Cyclops what the hey, and the Cyc says, "There is one who might help -- The Widow of the Web." Where the hell is she, Ken says. In the Iron Desert, the Cyc says. No sweat, Ken says. So he hikes over to the Iron Desert and the Old Man from the Granite Mountains says, Hey, I'll go in and talk to the old lady. But while he's in there, trying to escape from this Giant Spider, the Sands of Time run out for the Old Man and he croaks, he tells'em about the Five Mares. Get on these Five Mares and fly over to the Black Fortress and get the heck on with it. They have to wait till the Cyc dies, cause it's his turn for the Sands of Time deal, but then they go hellbent for leather till they're all over that Fortress, dying like flies and Ken has to pull out that Glabe, which is a kind of Frisbee with switchblades on the edges of it, and get the Beast in the eyeball so Lysette Anthony can get out.
Heads roll in this one. We're talking 77 corpses. Half a quart of blood. Several varieties of beast, but the main Beast is blurry. No motor vehicle chases. Minimum kung fu. Several swords through bodies . Most of the world gets blown up. Excellent torture chamber. I'm calling it three stars. Joe Bob says check it out.