Lap-dancing exorcists from the mind of Lou Vockell, the one-man film industry of Cincinnati, who includes in every movie he makes at least one scene of himself in drag. Since Lou is quite beefy, quite bearded, and quite testosterone-voiced, this makes for some of the most horrifying gross-out scenes since Milton Berle first donned a housedress on "Texaco Star Theater." Three hookers get picked up by three goofy guys who are living in the house of a Star Trek Nerd who wears Spock ears all the time. Then, while two of them are making the sign of the five-fanged fandango, the nerd gets out the ouija board and summons "hideous, vile, ill-tempered and excessively butch spirits from beyond the grave." The principal demon turns out to be a disgruntled supermarket stock boy who puts a paper sack over his face and becomes . . . Bag Job, a serial killer who eviscerates topless dancers and their aardvarking clients with various grocery-store paraphernalia. The whole story is told in flashback by the sole survivor, bleached- blonde B-movie scream queen Leslie Culton, who manages to escape by being bashed over the head with a beer bottle by the ghostly spirit of her ancient drag-queen ancestor, thereby receiving the secrets of the erotic arts that allow her to then confuse Bag Job with the sheer range of her exotic-dancing wardrobe. (Yes, they really had a script for this.) Unfortunately, Vockell IS limited by the Cincinnati talent pool, so only two of his three haunted hookers agreed to get nekkid for the camera, but he more than makes up for it with special effects--lightning, levitating weejee boards, the haunted house itself--that would get a solid B-minus at any Adobe Photoshop Fun Ed class. In fact, they're not so much special effects as special-ed effects. Five dead bodies. Forty-eight breasts. One catfight. Death by cornflake-battering (a cereal killer, get it?). Whangdoodle-cleavering. Giant ganja- smoking. Grocery-receipt strangulation. Multiple lap dances. Cheesy fifties sci-fi footage with screaming jungle bunny in a loincloth attacked by a giant lizard. Mouth-to-breast resuscitation. One of the longest slow-motion shower scenes ever filmed. Multiple aardvarking. Price-labeler Fu. With Jeff Weldy as the Nerd King collector of jars full of eyeballs and "supernatural greasy lubricants," Jenny Wallace as the hot redhead babe who interrupts her strangulation to fix her makeup, Leslie Culton and her two enormous talents as the sole surviving hooker, who transforms herself into a topless nurse, a topless jungle goddess, a topless spacebabe ("Beam me up, Scotty! There's no life on Planet Impotent!"), a topless cigar-chomping devil girl, a topless catgirl, a topless leather girl, and a topless bikini girl, but refuses to do any nudity that isn't necessary to the plot. Two stars.