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BARBARIAN QUEEN (From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide) |
Lana Clarkson, who comes across as a
Malibu beach bunny in a loincloth, says "I'll be no man's slave
and no man's whore!" in this low-budget sword-and-sorcery epic
made by Roger Corman in Argentina. First the Invading Hordes
carry off a few virgins, rape some tribal mothers, fire a few
slow-motion arrows through the head, burn some bamboo, and pretty
much turn the jungle into Newark. The Barbarian Queen, who has
arms like a couple of No. 2 Faber pencils, manages to escape in a
canoe with a couple other ancient bimbo tribeswomen who wear Mary
Kay Cosmetics, but first she has to clobber six Meskin guys with
a cardboard sword. On their journey to freedom, one of the bimbos
has rape-mares, then the blind old lady Soothsayer warns them,
right before the gratuitous gang rape that's necessary to the
plot, and eventually they arrive at the Fortress City, where
they're tortured by a guy who says: "You know, pain is a
wonderful thing. You are much too beautiful girl to let yourself
be broken into food for the royal dogs. When I command you to
strip your garment off, you do as I say!" Unfortunately, Mr. Body
Grease, the gladiator, shows up to ruin everybody's fun. Forty-
six breasts, including two on the male lead. Thirty-one dead
bodies. Heads roll. Head spills. Three gang rapes. Women in
chains. Orgy. Slave-girl sharing. One bird's-nest bra. The
diabolical garbonza torture. Sword Fu. Torch Fu. Thigh Fu (you
have to see it to believe it). Directed by Hector Olivera. |
© 2000 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved.