Rambo goes condo as five punkolas
in Miami get arrested and sent out to the Everglades for a little
Jungle Job Corps taught by a smelly snail-eating Indian named
Joe. Most of the time Joe just sits around on his hiney and
spears wild boars with a stick, but then he'll start gruntin and
teachin the kids how to eat live snails and wade through slime
water so they'll be able to kill all the grizzly bears and
mountain lions that live in South Beach. Unfortunately, none of
the cast gets eaten before they end up back in Miami, fixing up a
junkie flophouse so they can live in it with a 37-member Haitian
family and fight off a killer pimp named Cream. But after a while
they get bored with that and go back into the woods for some
combat weapons training so they can blow away every extra they
forgot to kill in "Scarface." This is the kind of movie where you
spend most of the time going "Wha'd he say?" and "What are they
talkin about?" and "Why did that one dude just beat the bejabbers
out of that other one with a lead pipe?" and "Why is Bob Dylan
screechin like a hoot owl every time they drive down the street?"
Four brawls. Two exploding buildings. Nine quarts blood. One
motor vehicle chase, with two crash-and-burns. 28 dead bodies.
Grizzly bear swamp attack. Fuzzy mountain lion attack (they
forgot to take the plexiglas off the zoo cage). One wild wounded
attack pig. Gratuitous disco tunes. Gratuitous Indian luau.
Gratuitous armadillo lecture. Gratuitous air-boat scum-sucking.
Gratuitous urban renewal funding review. Rattlesnake Fu. Machete
Fu. Knife-through-hand Fu. Doberman in heat Fu. Gopher Gas Fu.
Limo Fu. With Leon Robinson as the ghetto gang leader who wears
spaghetti-strip fishnet T-shirts and says "We be alligator food
out here"; Stephen Lang as Tonto the Job Corps liberal; Michael
Carmine as the Meskin tough guy; Lauren Holly as the 16-year-old
nympho girlfriend of Anthony Quinn's son (great witchcraft sex
scene in a zebra condo); John Cameron Mitchell as the crazy kid
who killed his father; James Remar as the meany Miami drug king.
Special citation for screenwriters Leo Garen and Jack Baran, who
wrote "You can't change the people without changing up the
environment. We cleaned up the house. We cleaned up the park. Now
we clean up the streets. You kids are gonna boogie and that's
okay."  .
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