ATTACK OF THE 60-FOOT CENTERFOLD
(1995)

(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide)


Erotic sci-fi epic starring J.J. North as a ditzy blonde who takes just a few too many breast-enhancement drugs and ends up stomping around Malibu like the Godzilla Illustrated swimsuit issue. Magazine publishers stick her in a freak-show tent to get the photos they need for a six-crease fold-out, but that makes the other models jealous. One steals her blue beauty vials and we end up with Duelling Bikini Behemoths, terrorizing the population in downtown Hollywood as they engage in a hair-pulling, traffic-stopping catfight. Meanwhile, the inventor of the Hugeness Chemical tries to develop an antidote by attempting to shrink his 8-foot lab rat by spraying stage smoke on him. This gives us plenty of time for scenes of the 60-foot J.J. trying to keep her halter top in place and repeatedly failing to do so. By the master who brought us DINOSAUR ISLAND, Fred Olen Ray. Two dead bodies. Twenty-five breasts. One giant rat. Giant dart to the back. Exploding rat. Exploding supporting cast. Gratuitous chainsaw attack. With Tammy Parks as the bitchy redhead ("Have you looked in the mirror lately? How old are you--thirty? Are your breasts getting smaller?"), George Stover as the lab assistant ("Oh my God, what have we done?"), Michelle Bauer as the trigger-happy lab assistant, Jay Richardson as the sleazoid magazine publisher ("You're gonna be bigger than Elvis"), G. Gordon Baer as the beefy cigar-chomping ratskin-boot-wearing exterminator, Tim Abell as the photographer who just can't bring himself to have sex with a 60-foot woman, Ted Monte as the geeky photographer's assistant who orders 250 Fatburgers and brings them to J.J. in a wheelbarrow, Raelynn Saalman as the slinky suntanning Playmate who will do anything to be famous. J.J. North has all the best lines, including "Help me, I'm huge!" and "I'm a big girl--I can take care of myself."

 

 

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