|
AMERICAN
CYBORG (From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide) |
Nicole Hansen is carrying a live
fetus around in a backpack--yes, that's what I said--and she has
only 36 hours to make it ten miles to the port, where a boat will
come take the fetus to Europe and hatch it in a place where there
are still a few human beings left who don't have fungus growing
on their faces, in this international shot-in-Israel weirdbeard
trash-dump futuristic sci-fi actors-running-through-the-sewers TERMINATOR
ripoff. Nicole is being chased by an indestructible
robot killing machine with an automatic rifle and a computer-
guided targeting system in his bionic eyeballs. Fortunately, she
runs into a long-haired bodybuilder cyborg named Austin who
thinks she's kinda cute. Nine hundred and forty-seven gunbattles
later, all three of them end up in the waist-deep surf, rootin
around for the fetus in a jar, which is floating on the surface
like a dead carp. It's the first right-to-life sci-fi flick.
Sixty-four dead bodies. Homeless abuse. Body-carving. Knife
through the hand. Transmission dropped on a guy's head. Knife in
the neck. Killer transvestite. Flaming extras. Literal acid rain.
arm-sewing. Eyeball mutilation. Exploding cyborg. Gratuitous
radioactive cannibals. Gratuitous mummy attack. Fingers roll.
Arms roll. Kung Fu. Lead pipe Fu. Electrified-fence Fu. With John
Ryan as the cyborg cop with a nail sticking out of his finger
(get it? fingernail?), Joe Lara as the good-guy cyborg ("I'm what
you call a realist--the only real thing is me"), Uri Gavriel as
the grotesquely-deformed cannibal mutant leader who drools over a
woman strapped to a cross ("I believe beauty can only truly be
appreciated through taste"). Nicole has the best line: "You're a
cyborg! You lied to me!" |
© 2000 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved.