ARCHIVE - 003
Dear
JB,
I was channel surfing the other night, and I came across this
totally bizarre Robert Altman movie called "3 Women"
with Sissy Spacek and Shelley Duvall. Have you ever seen this
movie, and if you have, what in the world was it about? I don't
get it.
By the way, I read "Evidence of Love" this summer, and
I literally could not put it down. Sort of creepy in some places,
but axes freak me out anyway. Why don't you write the sequel?
Saturday night sucks without you,
Melissa Hohle
Houston, TX
Melissa,
Robert Altman is one of those guys that, his movies are never
ABOUT anything, are they? That's a HORRIFYING movie.
The sequel to "Evidence of Love" would be . . . what?
Betty comes back from the grave? Or Candy pulls a Sissy Spacek?
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
I'm slowly working my way through the movie archives on your web
site (up to 1992 now), and have thoroughly enjoyed your eloquent
defenses of the First Amendment. Over the last few years, who do
you think has been winning the war? On the one hand, I think the
desire to censor continues unabated -- witness speech codes, the
MPAA, newspaper consolidation, and Bill Bennett. On the other,
the Internet is making censorship much more difficult, at least
for those fortunate enough to have access. It's no substitute for
a good newspaper or well stocked library though. Do you worry
that techies (like me) concentrate too much on keeping the
Internet free of censorship at the expense of all the other
attempts going on around us?
Joe Louderback
Dept. of Physics
Wake Forest University
Dear Joe,
Definitely not! I think the bulk of our efforts should be devoted
to making certain that the Internet remains free. People have
always wanted democracy in PRINCIPLE, but the various ruling
elites--different people at different times--have always been
protected from REAL democracy by the fact that it was impossible
for people with no money to accomplish anything. You know the old
saying, "Freedom of the press only applies to the person who
owns a press"? Well, NOW EVERYONE OWNS A PRESS. Never in
history has a printing press been this inexpensive. For less than
a hundred dollars you can start publishing. This is
revolutionary, and because it's revolutionary you can be certain
there will be proposals put forward to regulate it. It will
happen when an unscrupulous person uses the Internet to commit a
crime, probably a crime against a child. It will have to be
something so outrageous that they can use it as an excuse for
censorship. Almost all censorship efforts these days are couched
as an effort to "protect children." We're already
seeing big multinationals like AOL limiting content and access to
sites. I think all of the search engines now have policies about
"hate" sites; of course, THEY make the definition of
what constitutes a hate site, and by censoring them they actually
help promote their cause, because nothing would end them more
swiftly than the clear light of day.
As you can see, I can rattle on about this at some length.
I should warn you, though, that only a fraction of my writing has
gone up on the site.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
hi joe bob!
im tuned in tonight to christine and half thinking i wish my old
buick could regenerate itself-lol-anyhow im one of your faithful
female fans and i have a request- 8 wks ago i had breast
reduction surgery and i think nothing would showcase my gorgous
new bustline better thn a monstervision t-shirt!you must have a
bunch of them lying around the set!lol-i will keep my fingers
crossed!
Michele B. Parker
Salisbury, Maryland
Dear Michele,
How are those boobs doing? "MonsterVision" T-shirts
were specifically designed for that cantilever effect, so I don't
know if you could wear one now. I wouldn't want you to be
embarrassed by the overhang. Did you at least donate the leftover
boobs to a destitute flat-chested woman in the Third World?
All my best,
Joe Bob
Dude,
I was flicking around on the TV and found your show, maan, i have
like 80 channels and your show is the best on. I wish you werent
on at 2 in the morning though :-(But thamk god for the VCR. any
way, tell methis: As the monkeys (im pota 4) are so dumb that
they can't even pour a glass of water, still they can understand
the Loong speech Ceasar holds in the end of the movie?!?! and
some of the monkeys can hardly handle a meat cleaver, but others
run in comando style and shoot like trained soldiers... And
what's up with that everybody has turtle necks ?!?!?
Couynt me in as one of your top suporters, even though I just
discovered you, they don't air your show in Sweden :-(
peace,
Jo the Exile Swede
Alexandria, VA
Dear Jo,
I think I can explain the turtlenecks in "Planet of the
Apes" sequels. Early seventies! You're Swedish--don't you
remember ABBA?!
Best,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
what color is clear?
why do they put braille on those drive through bank machines?
how do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
if the #2 pencil is soooooooooo popular, then why is it still #2?
before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
why do they call it tourist season if we can't shoot at them???
a faithful viewer,
stef
Dear Stef,
Those are all good enough to steal. Thanks!
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
Hello my name is Galen Rosenthal. I am one of the programmers for
the Bicknell International Film Festival. Bicknell is located in
southern Utah in the town of Bicknell right outside Capital Reef
National Park. Bicknell was founded by Lory Smith of the Utah
Film Commission and cofounder of the Sundance Film Festival. And
by Trent Harris director of Rueben and Ed, and Plan 10 from Outer
Space. Bicknell will be held the 21st, and 22nd of July this
year. Bicknell specializes in showcasing B films from the 40's,
50's, 60's, 70's. This is are 5th year, and this year we are
having a retrospective of Al Adamsom's movies. Mr. Adamsom was
known as the Ed Wood of the 60's and 70's. Joining us for the
retrospective is Mr. Adamsom partner and producer Sam Sherman,
and one of Mr. Adamsom main actor Russ Tamblyn, We wondering if
you would interested in shooting a segment for Montervision at
Bicknell. Please respond to this message if you are or aren't
interested, or call me or Trent Harris ! at the numbers below.
Thanks,
Galen Rosenthal
Programmer Bicknell International Film Festival
Park City, UT
Dear Galen,
Sorry I missed the festival. Did Russ Tamblyn do any back flips?
I hope you showed "Satan's Sadists," one of Sam
Sherman's finest!
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
I am a 19 year old who watches Monstervision religiously with
people I usually talk to in a chat room, while online in a Star
Trek chat room hecking the great writers and dirctors of these
fine and high quality movies. You definatly need more airtime, no
one cares about dinner and a movie, people don't watch non-PBS
cablemovies so they can learn to cook. Everyone who watches
with us thinks you rock and are very funny, but, We want to know
who is it that sits in the back of the studio laughing all alone
by himself at your jokes, is he paid to do that, or does he
actually sit and do that for the hell of it?
Sincerely
Shan/Kate Iasone
Stoneham, MA
Dear Shan,
Well, we used to have more than one guy laughing, but all the
other ones . . . got fired! (Maybe I should have seen it coming,
huh?)
All my best,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
I have been a big Monstervision fan ever since a few years ago
when you showed the Friday 13th movies on Halloween. I am
disappointed that you left but I guess you have your reasons. I
am a big fan of Zombie Movies, and I was wondering if you knew
any good ones besides Night of the Living Dead; Return of
theLiving Dead 1,2, and 3; Day of the Dead; Dawn of the Dead; and
Evil Dead 1 and 2? Please answer when you get a chance.
Will
Leesburg, GA
Dear Will,
Well, there's "The Sixth Sense," the most original
zombie movie of the last ten years.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Hey Joe Bob,
Why'd ya leave? I always looked forward to Saturday because of
Monstervision and Joe Bob Briggs. But now I have no reason to
watch TNT. Oh well, thanks for reading.
Cocobelle57
Dear Cocobelle57,
Well, the short version is that I didn't leave, I was booted out
the swinging doors and they never even hit my ass on the way out.
But if you really wanna know about it, go to the website and read
the letters section. I'm plum tuckered out on answering all the
questions.
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
You can't leave Monster Vision!! All us Hi tech Rednecks down
here in Texas depend on you for wholesome family
entertainment. We will miss you and suffer from the newly found
"Joe Bobus-Withdrawalus" Syndrome. We have watched for
the longest time and Our Saturday night just won't be the same
without you. At least see if you can do a B-movie marathon, with
such classics as "Night of the Lepus", or something so
we can get our fill of Joe Bob. You are the greatest! What
are you going to do? Are you ever going to come back? To us
you are the most annoying and obnoxious thing on the Satellite
down here in thetrailer and we love you! Please, please don't
go!!!!
Forever, faithfully,pleadingly, loyaly your fans,
The Beaulieu's and Harper's
Tomball, TX
Dear Beaulieus and Harpers,
You people are SICK!
I love you.
Preciate the support, guys, but they canned my butt. There won't
be any B-movie marathons in the near future.
Joe Bob
Hi Joe Bob,
I don't normally bug celebrities, but I just have to ask what
happened to the deal with TNT's Monster Vision? I am a B-movie
fanatic, and have watched your commentary since the early days on
HBO (at least I think itwas HBO). The last two weeks have not
been the same without your running analysis on the flicks. I was
a bit let down with the "watered down" version of the
show on TNT (as opposed to the earlier shows), butstill enjoyed
it none the less. Sorry to ramble, just wondering what's up, and
if I can expect to see you on my tv again without having to go to
the video store.
Thanks,
Matt Bunch
Twin Falls, ID
PS: My hometown sports two drive-ins, and business is good. I
live across the street from one of them, and I still pay to get
in.
Dear Matt,
The fired me, bud. Where are these two drive-ins that have such
tough security you can't sneak in?
(If you wanna find out about the TNT situation, go to my website
and read all the letters.)
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
What about "Blood Sucking Freaks," how did you like /
not like that one? Thanks to you, I saw "Pieces" and
uncut "Last House On The Left". I thought if Nat'l
Lampoon teamed w Mel Brooks or even Gilbert Godfried and they
made a horror movie, it'd been "Blood Sucking Freaks."
Larry
Dear
Larry,
"Bloodsucking Freaks" is definitely one of the all-time
best ultra-low-budget classics. They definitely do NOT make em
like that anymore.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Hi Joe Bob,
I've been a fan for a little while now (though I wish I had seen
you sooner - I feel like I missed a lot of Joe Bob time!), and am
saddened that you'll no longer be doing Monstervision. Ted's loss
as far as I'm concerned.
Anyway, I heard that Sam Raimi is going to be directing the new
Spiderman movie - is that true? Do you have any insight on that?
For what it's worth, if I were ever able to buy/start a cable
station, you'd be my first hire.
Peace and good luck,
Matt Gold
San Jose, CA
Dear Matt,
In that case, please buy a cable network.
I can't imagine any finer choice for "Spiderman" than
Sam Raimi, but that project has been on the drawing boards for
about 20 years now. I'll believe it when I see it.
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
I watch your show all the time and i just read your books. I have
decided that you are God. No one else can be as great as you!!!!
Jenny Halvorsen
Minneapolis, MN
Dear Jenny,
You mean that's the best you can say about me? Thanks a LOT.
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
Any chance that in the future that you will be able to show the
classic film, Eyes Without A Face? I haven't seen it since
childhood and have yet to find it on video. I remember it as
being a creepy, cool film. Certain scenes from the film have
haunted me to this day. Do you remember this film?
Kathleen Sanchez
Utica, NY
Dear Kathleen,
You've totally stumped me. Are you sure that's the original title
of the film? What are the scenes that "haunt you to this
day"?
All my best,
Joe Bob
JoeBob,
First of all, I'd like to thank you for the autographed photo you
sent me. That is really great!
Next, I've visited your website probably more than anyone else...LOL...and
been through the archives. I have just one question...you show
all the sequels that really sucked but how come you never show my
alltime favorite movie... The Howling? Just wondering.
Cindy Tuley,
Dixmoor, IL
Dear Cindy,
"The Howling" hasn't been on cable in quite some time,
and that usually means there's something screwywith the rights.
Are you saying that you didn't appreciate our screening of
"The Howling 7," one of the greatest movies ever filmed
at a country-western bar in the Mojave Desert?
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
I
thought you were very funny when you asked if that's the Mr.goody
truck.When i saw your name at the credits it took me days to find
you in the film but i did.I'm a really big fan.Thanks for making
me laugh.
lol,
(NIKKI)
Erica Dunning-Hutcherson
Nashville, TN
Dear Nikki,
Thanks so much for the nice words, hon. I hope you were watching
the "director's cut" version because my scenes got cut
out of the original, due to a conspiracy by the executives of
Cannon Films. Actually, they did such a bad job of cutting me out
that my scenes "escaped" in eight or nine prints that
were sent out. The scenes were only put back in for the new
"director's cut" version.
All my best,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
My friends and I have always been huge fans of your shows and
reviews. We've been talking about the possibility of reviving the
drive in and drive in horror movies. Do you think that will ever
be a possibility or is the drive in movie, and the cult horror
movie genre, dead forever? Maybe you could get a show on The
Sci-Fi Channel, force them to show some quality B-movies for a
change
--Colin
Temple, TX
Dear Colin,
Listen carefully: The drive-in will never die. A couple of new
drive-ins opened up just this summer.
The cult movie is another matter. They still exist, but a lot of
em go directly to late-night premium cable now. But yes, there
will always be a place for a great exploitation movie.
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
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got the urge to JoeBob
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Sally A Lockhart
Phoenix, AZ
Dear Sally,
You forgot: Takes a lickin and keeps on tickin.
Joe Bob
dear joe bob,
I have an idea on what you should do next. go to HBO and do the
same thing you have been doing for the last 14 YEARS. I know you
think you are in a rut but lets be truthful: i love waching you
make fun of and show bad horror films that i could not see even
if i wanted to. besides, HBO got deniss miller and criss
rock and alot of other extremly funny, foul, truthful, in-your-face,shows,
so youle fit right in!!!
we miss you
rob(guitar-horror boy)
from N.J.
Dear Rob,
What are you telling me? That you love my rut?
Joe Bob
Hey Joe Bob:
Glad you are still writing and working after the TNT high
sherriffs left you high and dry. Are you going to be in the
Dallas area the first weekend in August? You have an open invite
to attend QuakeCon 2000 at the Mesquite Convention Center Aug
3-6. It's a combination convention and competition for
Quake-style first person shooter game and its the only convention
fully sponsored and funded by id Software (the makers of Doom and
Quake who work out of Mesquite) It might be interesting to attend
just for "research" if you know what I meanand I think
you do.
If you need more info, go to http://www.quakecon.org.
Talk to you soon
John Callaham
Dear John,
Sorry I missed the first-person shooter game. I would have had an
unfair advantage, though, because in my neighborhood we also had
second-person and third-person shooter games.
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob:
Let me be the millionth and one person to say how ridiculous
TNT's action was, how Saturday nightwon't be the same, how I'll
miss the commentary that made those movies worth watching, etc.
You're the spokeman for a substantial minority of folks with
strong but commonsense ideas onfreedom. Here's hoping you can
find a way to talk to them in mass, without too many High
Sheriffs.
By the way, have you ever reviewed any of the "Baby
Cart" or "Lone Wolf and Cub" Samurai series?You
know, the ones where the Shogun's executioner gets framed by his
enemies, and goes on the road with his small son, and spills
about fifty gallons of blood per? I think some U.S. titles
might have been "Shogun Assasin" or "Sword of
Vengance" or something.
Peter
Grieve
Dear Peter,
Absolutely. "Shogun Assassin" is one of the top ten
samurai movies ever made. I never knew it was called "Baby
Cart" overseas, but I see why! Unfortunately, I've never
worked at a company that had the simoleans to actually BUY the
shogun series.
Preciate the TNT comments, bud, but I'll rise from the phoenix
like the ashes, as usual.
Joe Bob
hey joe bob,
first of all let me say the latest move that the idiots at tnt/turner/time
warner makes me wonder if ole ted would have trouble emptying a
boot full of water with instructions on the heel. well i could
rantand rave but i see you have more than likely developed a
"mind over matter" philosophy like mine. i dont MIND
and they dont MATTER. anyway i was just wantin tolet you know how
much of afan i am of your work and i hope that you land a better
job and can laugh in the general direction of good ole standards
and practices at tnt. Also, i was wondering where would be the
best place to locate some really old cheesy sci fi movies. my
friends and i get a whole lot of movies like those and have our
own "mystery science theater 2000" party. i look
forward to seeing you jump right back in the mix and i hope you
flushed out the trailer's waste dump before you left tnt.
a fellow texan,
kenny c lilback
Dear Kenny,
Well, you pretty much nailed it right on the kisser when you said
"Standards and Practices." I think more than anything,
the rapid flight of TNT into 19th-century standards of taste
should have warned me a long time ago.
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
If You Need Help Cheering Up and happen to be in Oakland, CA on a
Thursday night, stop by the Parkway Theater. Every Thursday is
Thrillville Theater hosted by, appropriately enough, Will the
Thrill. The emphasis is on stylish filmsfrom the fifties and
sixties, but can range from noir classics like "Mildred
Pierce" to the films of Ray Dennis Steckler. As an added
bonus, you can drink beer in a glass during the flick!
It's a lot of fun, very low key and the kind of place you'd get a
kick out of. I'll include a link below.
http://www.picturepubpizza.com/Will/archives/june.html
Interesting aside: Will the Thrill is the son of B-movie actor
Robert Viharo who starred as Zachary Kane, Modern Day Bounty
Hunter in the unduly obscure motorcycle-riding kung fu serial
killer classic, Bare Knuckles.
I'm sorry to hear TNT let you go. I've enjoyed the show for a
long timeand will miss it. Hell, I used togoof off at work by
reading your show transcripts. Maybe that's why I'm no longer
employed there. Anyhow, the show was great stuff. I hope to see
you on the air again soon.
Cory Marciel
Livermore, CA
Dear Cory,
Funny you should mention that. Will the Thrill has extended an
invitation for me to appear at theParkway on an upcoming Thursday
night. We just haven't figured out a date and a movie yet.
Joe Bob
TO: Joe Bob Briggs
RE: The Warriors finally return to Coney Island
WARRIORS, THE
(1979)
(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide)
One of the most controversial films ever released, blamed for
murders and gang violence in several cities. Michael Beck, James
Remar.
-----
THAT's IT? THAT's your entire review? Blech. :) And that
"controversial" concept fades once onewatches the
movie. If recall correctly the controversial part was more on the
posters 'emselves, quite scary stuffs on the Brooklyn or Queens
trains.
Moronic gang that spends the whole night running from every gang
in city to get back home toConey Island, when a simple cab ride
woulda got them there wayyyy faster (well depends on if you could
actually make the cab driver understand your directions, that
is.) Course that would kill the movie, as you so verrry well
seconded in a prior Monstervision. :)
I demand more substance in this "review". :)
[The Warriors finally return to Coney Island at daybreak] Swan:
This is what we fought all night to get back to?
I LOVE THAT LINE. And being a former NYC resident even MORE so.
Now I be stuck in the slowand boring BUT peaceful Midwest, but
thank Reagan's Jelly Beans I ain't in NYC.
:)
Christopher Coulter
Morton, IL
Christopher,
Hey, man, you gotta cut me a little slack. The Ultimate B Movie
Guide is a work in progress, andnone of those comments I made on
The Movie Channel have gone in there yet. But it was aVERY
controversial movie, and one of the chief opponents of it was Ted
Turner himself. But I'll explain all that . . . later! Just gimme
some time to load everything in there! Jeez.
Joe Bob
Hey Joe Bob,
Soooo sorry to learn you are off the monstervision show. You
were, if FACT, the only reason Iwatched those simple movies week
after week. It became sort of a tradition to watch your show (no
matter how bad the movies were) just to hear your comments &
trivia. It will NOT be the same without you, & TNT has now
lost this viewer as a result. I'm checking out your web site
& hope to see you in other projects soon. TNT doesn't realize
what they lost yet, & I'm sure your other supporters will be
dropping them emails to let them know it.
Good luck....
Paul Cunniff
EX-monstervision viewer)
Dear Paul,
You're a prince of a fellow for saying all those things, bud. I
take it you didn't watch the world premiere of "Running
Mates" on TNT this week?
Joe Bob
Mr. Joe Bob Briggs,
Hello. My name is Ger Nowak III. I am 16 and live in southeast
Michigan. Im writing you to give my thanks for 5 great years of
Monstervision television. It damn near killed me when I saw your
name and picture erased from the website. I remember being
captivated by you from the first time I beheld you that first
summer. I remained faithful throughout these last few years and
caught your show whenever possible. Even now, I continue to
have fond recollections of the old trailer set, your great eight
to midnight timeslot (back when it was the Monstervision Double
Feature), the original mail girl Honey, and many nights of
non-stop laughter. Why did TNT kill all that??? What next, Joe
Bob??? What next???
I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.
Yours Truly,
Ger Nowak
Canton, MI
P.S.- Why no farewell show. Those bastards at TNT at least owe
the fans that much. Good luck friend.
Dear Ger,
Preciate it, bud, but if you knew more about the background of
the place, you'd probably be breathing a sigh of relief that my
butt is out of there. Among other things, if I'd worked there
much longer, I would have been bankrupt!
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
Hi, hope you are doing great.
Just had an idea to run by you. Would you like to have/sponsor a
Joe Bob Briggs Dancing Bovina (me!) in the Flow Rider Summer
Series national championship in Arlington, TX? The competition
isscheduled for 9/2 at Hurricane Harbor?
Wish
you the best.
Janice Fain
Dallas, TX
P.S. Being a Bovina will always stand out as a most fun time!
Dear Janice,
I have no idea what a Flow Rider is, but it sounds vaguely nasty.
What did you just ask me?
I miss my beloved Dancing Bovina Sisters. You gals were two tons
of fun. Is there life after Bovinadom?
Joe Bob
Joe Bob
First, let me tell you how sorry I am that you left Monstervision.
Those trips into B-Movie Hell just won't be the same without you.
I don't know if you've decided what you're going to do next, but
in case you haven't I've come up with a couple of ideas
that might please some of your ex-Monstervision fans. The
first one would be for you to intro and discuss a film just
like you did on Monstervision, but without having to please the
censors, and then sell the tapes on your web site. I have to
admit I don't know how financial feasible this would be, I
imagine it could be very expensive. The second and much more
realistic idea is for you to host a Joe Bob Briggs film festival.
You could have it in the city of your choice and showcase some
great films of the past orhighlight some up and coming filmmakers
that you think are worth checking out. Just a couple of
ideas-take them for what their worth.
A Loyal Fan
Paul Hayes
Dear Paul,
Thanks for those ideas, bud. Actually, I've done both things in
the past. I had a video series called "Joe Bob Briggs
Presents the Sleaziest Movies in the History of the World,"
and I used to run the World Drive-In Movie Festival and Custom
Car Rally. Both lost money!
No, really, the video series was owned by a British company that
closed up shop and went back to England shortly after releasing
the series, and the drive-in movie festival was a non-profit
thing done with the USA Film Festival in Dallas. The problem with
a video series is getting the rights. Usually these rights are
tied up for years at a time. The film festival, though, is very
feasible. What I would probably do is hook up with people who are
already running film programs. Almost every city has its regular
cult-movie night, and I could be an extra added attraction.
Joe Bob
Hello Mr. Briggs,
I was checking out your cool B-movie database and I like your
reviews a lot. Especially the one about The Terminator. I was
just wondering, in your reviews you refer to things in a manner
such as "Dog Fu, Snake Fu, Wheelbarrow Fu, Money Fu, Car
Fu" What is Fu? It doesn't seem to have anything to do with
the famous four-letter word. Anyways, tiyeet movie reviews! They
rock! --
but....
What is Fu?
Paul Lowe
Dear Paul,
All Fu's begin with the venerable Kung Fu and branch out from
there as shorthand for the effective cinematic use of extreme
violence. I'm surprised I have to tell you this.
Joe Bob
Hi Joe Bob,
I hope you are doing well. I've been hearing your Shiner
commercials on a local radio station over the last several weeks.
It's nice to hear you endorsing my beer of choice. I was really
glad to run across your web site a few days ago. I've been a fan
of yours since your original column debuted in the Dallas Slimes
Herald back in '82.
I watched "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and "American
Hot Wax" last weekend and got all nostalgic for the drive-in
scene again. I started rereading your first book and decided to
see if I could find an official web site somewhere out there in
cyberspace. Your site is nicely done, and I really like the
links. I had a question, though, about the pic next to the Joe
Bob's Web Chicks link. Is that a poster for "Fire Maidens
from Outer Space"?
Since the concession stand at the Astro D.I. burned down a few
years ago, the DFW area has been in pretty sad shape as far as
drive-in fare goes. Blockbuster Video ran all (or most) of the
mom and pop video shops out of town so it's harder than ever to
find copies of such fine cinematic fare as "The Grim
Reaper" to rent. Thank God there are a couple of company's
out there cranking this stuff out on DVD! I saw that Rhino
released a double feature DVD with "The Beach Girls"
and "The Pom Pom Girls" on it, but it wasn't
letterboxed so I decided to pass. If a company is going to do
this they really should do it right as far as I am concerned and
letterbox these suckers.
Has "Hi Test Girls" ever been released on video? I
wasn't able to catch it when it played here in Dallas back in
'83. If not, then maybe the small screen can't handle that much
garbonza action?
Well, I'll stop rambling now. Just wanted to say hello and let
you know that I'll be keeping an eye out for your newest book or
any upcoming TV appearances. Sorry I missed you in Dallas a week
or so ago. Whenever you get around to finding those old copies of
"The Joe Bob Report" or "We Are the Weird" I
will probably be sending an order in to complete my collection.
I've still got my hat from the World Drive-In Movie Festival and
Custom Car Rally. You know, that hardtop the Inwood has tried to
show some good stuff as a midnight movie off and on over the last
couple of years, but that area of town is so full of
quiche-eaters that I doubt they have been able to make much of a
go at it. If somebody opened a Hooters around there nobody in the
neighborhood would realize what they were missing. Sad.
I may decide to truck on out to the Starlight Six Drive-In in
Atlanta, GA for their Drive-In Invasion in September if I can
talk some friends of mine into it.
Still a drive-in kind of guy,
John Alford
Carrollton, TX
Dear John,
Quite a few people have asked me about "High Test
Girls," but it was one of those dubbed European releases
that was released under many names. My favorite was "Gas
Pump Girls." And I never found out the original French
title. Be forewarned, though: it's a teaser, not a pleaser. The
main reason to see it is for that one wide-screen shot that has,
I think, 12 nekkid garbonzas in it. And, of course, at this point
your chances of seeing it on a wide screen are virtually nil.
Sometimes life is dang hard, isn't it?
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
This is the second letter that I have wrote since T.N.T screwed
up and let you go. It is their loss, as well as ours. I
read what you said about going to a premium chanel, but your show
would be great on H.B.O. No censorship, because censorship
sucks. I am still trying to get you on there, I have been
writing them letters. Millions and millions of fans miss you and
are hoping to see you again soon.
Thank You
Chris Greenfeather
Dear Chris,
Well, unfortunately, HBO doesn't use movie hosts. Very few
networks use movie hosts anymore. But I'll keep trying!
Joe Bob
Hey Joe Bob you stud muffin,
I'm still looking for the article you wrote about the 2 fat
sisters who got stuck in the door and couldn't get out until they
lost some weight, which meant they had to do without food!! Now
we're talking 2 fat angry sisters stuck in a door. Can I find it
in any of your books? I look forward to hearing from you!
Be still my heart!
Your # 1 Fan (I bet that's what all the girls say!!!)
Linda Camacho
Cypress, TX
Dear Linda,
No, darlin, that's not collected in any of my books, but just to
make you happy I went and dug out the article. The reason I
didn't put it in a book is that it doesn't make sense unless you
know that, the week it came out, the biggest news in the country
involved these two whales that were trapped in the ice up in the
Arctic, and every day CNN reported on efforts to free them so
they could rejoin the other whales on the southern migration.
Okay, got that? Here's the article (I'm not including the movie
review) . . .
Wanda Bodine finally got back in town from going to Law School at
the University of Arkansas, where she majored in "People
That Lose One or Several Limbs," and after about a half hour
of bawling like a baby buffalo that goes its foot caught in a
bear trap, I agreed to take her and her little sister Doreen to
the mall to get some Mexican buffet. But what happened is, after
we ate dinner, Doreen wandered into the Mrs. Field's Cookie store
and ordered the Macadamia Mount McKinley, and by the time I
figured out where she'd gone, it was too late. The Bodine
Sisters, in case you haven't run into em lately, now weigh about
17,000 pounds each, and I knew once they got into that store we'd
have to call the fire department. Doreen started sucking down
bakery products like she had a midget with a Hoover vacuum
cleaner in her stomach, and when Wanda saw her doing it, she just
naturally sailed in, knocking over three or four small children
as she did.
The
rest of it you've probly heard about on CNN by now. Doreen and
Wanda stayed in there way past the time I could of got em out
with color photographs of giant burriots. And so by the time we
took action, they'd run up a $984 cookie bill, not to mention
Doreen being so pumped on sugar she was crushing an assistant
manager between her thighs.
When
the mall management got there, Wanda and Doreen were both
slamming against the double glass doors, trying to break free,
but it was that last 89 pounds of macadamia that put em just over
the limit. No way they were gonna wedge through doors constructed
for the needs of mere 400-pounders. And, actually, I talked to
the mall manager, Clyde Spragins, about it, and for a while we
decided the only thing to do was harpoon both of em, hook em up
to an electric winch, and just start cranking. That's when the
media showed up.
Within
24 hours a team of crack Korean plastic surgeons showed up, with
plans to do quickie body tucks on both porkers, then hose emd
own, oil em up, harness em, and yank em through the front entry
with a Nissan truck. But time was running out, and we all
thought, "What if Nissan won't let a Korean drive their
trucks?" Every 15 minutes either Wanda or Doreen would
re-surface at the front of the store, chocolate chips hanging off
her chin, screaming she needed some milk. The President sent a
telegram:
"Our
prayers are with both Wanda and Doreen, and with the rescue
effort--I'm watching on television, and feel as the whole nation
does that our hearts have gone out to those giant stuffed
pigs."
Money
and equipment poured in from all over the world. The Red Cross
sent a block and tackle. Ringling Brothers sent an eleplant
trainer. It seemed like everything else in the world had stopped.
Only Wanda and Doreen mattered. Some Pottawatomi Indians from a
reservation in Oklahoma showed up with chainsaws, saying they
could cut a path through Toys R Us if necessary. Donald Trump
offered a wrecking ball. On the second day we got the sad news
that the assistant manager couldn't hold out any longer. He
passed away from the smell.
But
the story ended happily. On the third morning the Transamerica
Company came through with a guarantee that, whatever happened to
the double-strength industrial glass Mrs. Field's swinging doors,
they would guarantee the mall against lawsuits. Clyde game the
signal: "Thar she blows!" But nobody knew what that
meant so he gave another signal: "Get them fat girls out of
my mall!" And the SWAT team exploded the double glass at the
exact moment when the Bodine Sisters were circling back into the
kitchen to suck up some more batter. There was glass everywhere,
then silence. We all waited, and after the smoke cleared,
Doreen's left thigh bobbed up through the debris and knocked down
a volunteer fireman. She surfaced once, sounded, wagged her rear
end at her sister, and the two of them started to waddle their
nubby little legs down the mall towards J.C. Penney's, slowly
beginning to get their strength back.
There
wasn't a dry eye in the mall. I'm getting all choked up just
telling the story. And now I suppose my life will never be the
same.
All my best,
Joe Bob
Hey Joe Bob,
I've missed monster vision the last few weeks. I hit the website
to catch up and find out you're leaving. You were my favorite
show on tv. Are you doing something similiar in the future? I'm
so depressed. I'll drink an 'Old swill' I mean Old Mill Saturday
during the show. Take care,
Derek McPherren
Dear Derek,
Don't drink Old Swill. That's the beer I USED to endorse. I did a
taste test and now I like Shiner Bock much better. Much
healthier.
Joe Bob
Hey
Joe Bob,
I finally got one of those Monstervision t-shirts. I guess TNT
was trying to get rid of them since you aren't there anymore. Oh
Well! Hey, Let me know if you plan on having your own
special shirts made. Maybe you could have a contest. Whatcha
think?
Awaiting your arrival,
Shari Ashley
Charlotte, NC
Dear Shari,
This is very strange. Several people have written to say that
they've won "Monstervision" shirts from TNT. They must
be unloading those babies like crazy.
Anyhow, we're gonna have all kinds of great free junk for our
website contests. Don't worry. I remain the King of Free Junk.
All my best,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
What do you think of Troma pictures? Real horror? Or just a sad
attempt at being both funny and horrifying? And what's all that I
hear about the old movie Cannibal Holocaust? Have you saw this
one, and does it really try to pass itself off as a snuff film?
Let me know what you think...
Later,
Justin Stone
Hazlehurst, GA
Justin,
Troma Films are made by guys who are TRYING to be campy, so
nothing about them is serious from beginning to end. You just
have to put on your John Waters hat when you watch em.
"Cannibal Holocaust" is one of a series of Italian-made
cannibal films from the late seventies and early eighties that
used simulated butchery of human beings and REAL butchery of
animals. Nope, it's not a snuff film. I don't think they billed
it as a snuff film, although they may have promoted it as a
documentary on cannibalism.
Joe Bob
Heya Joe Bob,
Obviously, I'm really disappointed that TNT let you go, but now
you can concentrate on doing DVD commentaries, which I think
would be really cool.
Anyway, I was wondering if you've seen and/or can recommend a
little flick called "Incubus". After being lost to
everyone but the French for the last 30 years, "the first
movie made entirely in Esperanto" is now available on video
direct from the producer. I missed its screenings in NYC
recently, and oh, it's just killing me. William Shatner is the
lead actor in it! And he speaks Esperanto! Esperanto! Do
you know anything about this? Do you think it's worth the
$35?
If you get a chance, though, definitely try to catch Jon Paizs'
"Crime Wave" (US video title "The Big Crime
Wave") from 1987. Way low budget Winnipeg comedy about a
filmmaker who wants to make a crime movie, but is able to write
only the beginings and endings of scripts.
Take care man,
Dave Bushnell
Maplewood, NJ
Dear Dave,
I'm familiar with both movies by reputation, but alas, haven't
seen them. "Incubus" actually sounds PAINFUL to me. Are
you sure you want to endure that, even for the the ideals of high
camp?
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Hey man,
I'm making a site about horror movies, and since you're linked to
some, I was wondering if it would be alright if I posted your
e-mail address on my site?
Later,
RoNN
Snake
Huntington, WV
Dear RoNN,
Absolutely. There can't be enough horror sites.
Joe Bob
Hey Joe Bob:
I just read through your other postcards. Let me just say that
some people are SOOO rude!! I actually enjoy your sense of humor.
I loved your comments a while back during the showing of American
President. How funny!!
I am wondering exactly how tall you are? I can tell on the show
you are a very tall man, so what exactly is your height? Mine is
6'4". So, are ya single???? :)
ROSALEE
Tulsa, OK
Dear Rosalee,
Are you telling me you're a six-foot-four Amazon from Oral
Roberts University? That could be such a deadly combinaton that
it's almost sinful just to think about it!
Yes, I'm 6-4, too. It must be fate. Go to the Praying Hands
statue. If the Big Guy tells you it's right, then I'll be there
next week.
Joe Bob
DEAR JOE BOB BRIGGS,
COULD YOU PLEASE PLAY THE MOVIE "THE GRANNY" DIRECTED
BY LUCA BERCOVICI. IT IS THE MOST FUNNIEST, WEIRDEST, HORROR
MOVIE AND I JUST LOVE RYAN BALLMAN!!!
PLEASE PLAY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
GRACE RANERE
PHOENIX, AZ
Dear Grace,
You're only the second person in history who ever named Luca
Bercovici in a letter to me. So you're obviously my kinda gal! Do
you know that Luca Bercovici also directed "Parasite in
3-D," which starred Demi Moore? What a master of the genre.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
I wrote to you a few weeks ago to complain about your use of the
word puppies when referring to a woman's breasts. I'd like to say
how pleased I am that you have not done so again. I have now gone
from somewhat of a fan to a total and complete fan. As a matter
of fact if you run for president I'll vote for you. I think you
are exactly what this country needs. Keep up the good work.
A Loyal Fan,
Jerry Shedlousky
Columbia, SC
Dear Jerry,
You're right that I no longer use the derogatory term
"puppies" to refer to the female garbonza, and I have
you to thank for that. In the future, all women's breasts will be
called "tits."
Joe BobJoe Bob,
Can you help me find this movie, um, it has that one guy in it,
and I can't remember the title, or what it's about, or who's in
it, but it was in the theatres. Do you know the one I mean?
Betsey Sue
Dear Betsey Sue,
That's an easy one. You're trying to locate "Close For the
Winter," which plays year after year at many drive-ins.
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
What type of "show" do you do for conventions?
Questions and answers? Maybe a collection of bad movie clips
narrated by you??
I was just wondering if you were coming to any conventions in
Florida?
Dawn Smith-Webber
Cocoa, FL
Dear Dawn,
I do very few conventions. I've probably performed at fewer than
ten conventions in my whole career. My material is a little too
"out there" for most convention audiences. So I don't
have any Florida plans right now. Why do you ask?
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
RE: Where are you?????
What happened? You're not doing MonsterVision anymore??? Wouldn't
they let you even say goodbye??? Nothing but a "Goodbye
Joebob" on the MonsterVision website???? PLEASE tell me
you're gonna have another late night show I can look forward to
coming home to watch after werk??!
Don Hampton
Dear Don,
Well, bud, I'm sure I'll have another show, but it's gonna take a
while. It's been less than a month since I left the air! And no,
for some reason they didn't wanna do a farewell show. If you
wanna read about it, check out all the letters on the website.
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
Whar the hell air ya. My wife and I are huge fans, my wife is a
huge B-movie slasher fan. We haven't seen you for a while, what's
the deal?
Nick & Dianne
Albuquerque, NM
Dear Nick and Dianne,
Well, the short version is: they canned me. If you want more
deetails, go to my website and read all the letters. I've
answered these questions so many times that I don't wanna go over
the whole story, but TNT is basically fed up with my kinda show.
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
Where are you? You certainly don't seem to be on TNT anymore, so
something must have happened. Where are you?
My life is officially in shambles.
Dan Davidson
Oklahoma City, OK
Dear Dan,
I'm cooling my heels in Grapevine, after getting EJECTED from the
building! You can read all about it by going through all the
letters on my website.
Joe Bob
Honorable Joe Bob Briggs,
Anent the breakup with TNT, Ted Turner once fired his own son so
his compassion doesn't extend to anyone who doesn't live in a
rain forest. At least you don't have to pay them alimony and I
don't have to stay up until Sunrise Sermon to catch your joke of
the week.
Am certain that a talent as immense as yours will not remain
dormant for long and you'll soon host a Drive-In Theater. So I'd
like to humbly submit my list of The Top Ten Drive-In Movies:
Number 1. "Ilsa She Wolf of the SS" With hooters like
that how did the Nazis lose the war?
Number 2. "I Spit on Your Grave" Kind of like
"Deliverance" with someone more interesting than Ned
Beatty being forced to squeal like a pig.
Number 3. "Big Bad Mama" After seeing this I know why
JFK picked Angie Dickinson to massage his aching back.
Number 4. "Bad Girls Go To Hell" Never seen it but
can't resist the title.
Number 5. "Nude for Satan" Another irresistible title.
But this one I've seen. Turn off the subtitles and switch the
spoken language to Italian for maximum enjoyment. It features a
giant spider web that looks suspiciously like a soccer net and
Old Scratch looks like Richard Simmons in a leisure suit.
Number 6. "Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of
Death" Bill Maher before he became politically correct.
Number 7. "Amazon Women on the Moon" You'll have to
explain this one to me.
Number 8. "Creature From the Black Lagoon" Julie Adams
and some guy in a rubber suit.
Number 9. "Showgirls" My idea of heaven.
Number 10. "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" Joe Bob
Briggs' answer to "Gone With the Wind".
Let me know if you need beer money or somebody beaten up.
Tom Brewer
Stone Mountain, GA
Dear Tom,
A very ECLECTIC list you have there.
It wasn't Ted. It was Ted's minions. Ted has gone too far up the
elevator, and that's part of the problem around that place.
Joe Bob
Hey man,
Are you EEEEVER going to come back on TV You were the only one
who man Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factor interesting to
watch!
Your Fan,
C. Stewart
Dear C.,
First everyone was amazed that I was hosting "Willy Wonka,"
and now everyone wants me to host it AGAIN!
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
Saturday nights just aren't the same without your show. I have a
job where most Saturday Nights I get off work about 12AM. I
looked forward to coming home and watching your show (and then
taping the rest when I got to sleepy).
Anyway I had two questions
1. Any plans to move to another network? I think the SCI FI
channel would be an excellent choice. They have tons of B movies
for you.
2. I'm a college sophomore and I will be voting for the first
time in the upcoming presidential elections. Since you are from
Texas I thought I'd ask your opinion on George W. Bush. And while
I'm at it what do you think of Gore?
Thanks for taking the time to read my letter and I hope to see
you on TV again soon,
Scott
Dear Scott,
You're the first person that's asked me about this goddamned
Soviet-style election we're having. I think we've got two
choices. We can stay home, go fishing, or register a protest vote
to basically say that we won't be herded to the polls like kulaks
in Siberia. Or we can vote for Gore as a way to limit the power
of the arrogant billionaires who have bought the Congress, the
courts and the media. Both of them are ultimately acts of
futility, but it's important to shake your fist every once in a
while, even when they've got you locked down in Sing Sing.
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
Two pressing matters:
1) Will you ever make the name-change official, since the world
already knows you as the supreme drive-in movie critic "Joe
Bob Briggs" anyway?
2) Is there any chance you can put that great music video of
yours ("Tearin' the Heart Out of Saturday
Night") on the website? I would love to download that. Or is
it property of the TNT pigdogs?
Best wishes,
Jamie Sundin
PS
I'm writing this at 1:30 Sunday morning, when I would normally be
in the midst of a several-hour run of Monstervision. That, er,
network has not soiled my picture tube for a single minute since
your departure. F' you Turner!! Joe Bob lives!
Dear Jamie,
Well, to tell you the truth, I don't really LIKE that video that
much. Certainly not enough to actually deal with a Turner Network
LAWYER. (Shudder.) And as to the name change, don't
you like a little wrestling-style confusion here and there?
Joe Bob
Dear
Joe Bob,
What's
up, Joe Bob? Seen any good flicks lately?
Dreadnaht1
Dear Dreadnaht1,
"Coyote Ugly" deserves whatever happens to it. They
stole my joke!
Joe Bob
Joe
Bob,
I'm so glad that you're finally telling everybody to check the
letters page instead of explaining it all for the umpteenth time.
I was just about to let you know that it was okay to do that,
when you do. But then you go and archive all those letters
anyway...
So, you've written a bunch of books. Why are they almost all out
of print?
Will any of them ever come back in print? Why haven't you written
a book since 1990? Do you want to write another book? Are you
writing another book? Why don't you start one now? Since you no
longer have to explain to everybody why you're not on TNT, you
have lots of extra time.
And what the heck was going on with your hair in 1990?
FYI, I input your name in the "Glam Name Generator,"
it's Ginchy Sparklepowder. Your "Professor Poopypants
Name" (I don't want to ask either) is Poopsie
Toiletfanny. Yes, I do think you needed to know this.
You also need to rescue Bruce Campbell from "Jack of All
Trades." Maybe a "Night Stalker" type show with
you two as Supernatural Investigator Brothers...No, you're not
Supernatural, what you investigate is. Well, maybe you
should be Ghost Supernatural Investigator Brothers...
Awaiting your TV return with bated breath (well, okay, I can only
do that about 30 seconds...),
Ursuline Lebravski
Dear Ursuline,
In 1990, I was modelling my entire life, including my haircut,
after Rick James.
I'll call up Bruce Campbell and tell him I think I should ride on
the coattails of his exploding career. Good idea!
All my best,
Joe Bob
Hi
Joe Bob,
I'm glad to hear that you will be putting up transcripts from
your old Movie Channel/TNT shows up on the website. I haven't had
cable for quite a while, so I never really got to see
Monstervision, but I'm sorry about what happened there just the
same. Well, I'm sure something bigger and better is in the works,
lurking just around the corner.
I watched that old Roger Corman classic "Last Woman on
Earth" last weekend. I think I taped it off one of the
local telveision stations here in Dallas about 14 years ago. I
really enjoyed the hipster jazz score that ran throughout the
film. The ending seems a little donwbeat though. Anyway, this got
me to wondering about Betsy Jones-Moreland, so I
the IMDB and saw that after making "Creature From the
Haunted Sea," she didn't find another acceptable movie role
until "The Hindenberg" came along 14 years later! Then
in the early '90's it looks like she had been typecast as a judge
in a string of Perry Mason movies. Of course, things aren't
always as they appear so she probably kept plenty busy in the
interval.
I also watched "The Maze" and "Red Planet
Mars" with Peter Graves. That last one is a nice cold war
sci-fi flick (though a little far-fetched at times). Next up:
"Monster From Green Hell" with Jim Davis. It's no
"From Hell It Came" but it'll do.
Still a drive-in kind of guy,
John Alford
Carrollton, TX
Dear John,
Did someone slip you a Fifties Mickey? That's quite a list, if
you're watching them all in succession.
Joe Bob
Hey
Joe Bob,
My
wife and I have watched your program for years on Monstervision.
I can't believe that TNT would dump you like that. We loved
watching the B-flicks and hearing your commentaries. Any chance
you'd do another show of a similar format on TV? We signed up for
your snail mail, and look forward to it.
Wish
you the best,
J.C.
& Kathleen Bell
Arizona
Dear
J.C. and Kathleen,
There's
an excellent chance that I'll soon be doing a similar program in
a place that appreciates this type of programming much more.
Thanks so much for the kind words, guys.
Hang
in there,
Joe
Bob
Hi,
This isn't concerning your life or anything but i was just
wandering if you could play Night of the Demons for me on
monstervision?? i have looked for the site to make this type of
e-mail but despite my efforts i couldn't find one. i would like
one more request and that is to inform me when and if you will
play that movie for me.
Thank You:
Silverdawn6
Dear Silverdawn6,
Well, normally I would do anything to get that movie on for you,
but I no longer have any control over "MonsterVision,"
hon. I'll do the next best thing. Here's my review of "Night
of the Demons," one of the quirky eighties classics . . .
NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (1989): From the makers of "Witchboard,"
your basic Spam-in-a-cabin plot about some California nerdsters
who use "party" as a verb and think it'd be fun to pop
brewskis in an abandoned funeral parlor built on an ancient
Indian burial ground where 17 or 18 people have died horrible
grisly deaths, including one Indian brave who was found
"gnawing on a papoose." (Probably choked to death
on the leather.) Pretty soon the cast starts turning into
sex-crazed grasshopper-head "Solid Gold" dancers,
especially Angela, who wriggles around on the floor like Tina
Turner while her body forms into a toad-monster. And, of course,
everyone who enjoys sex MUST DIE. Eight breasts. Eight dead
bodies. Seven undead bodies. Giant katydid breather monster.
Demon disco dancing with strobe. Closeup eyeball-gouging. Deadly
neck-twisting. Mooning. Aardvarking in a coffin. Heart-staking.
Demon roasting. Head rolls. Arm rolls. Tongue rolls. Gratuitous
dead-rat dangling. Seance Fu. Demon Fu. Flamethrower Fu.
Crematorium Fu. Razorblades-in-an-apple Fu. With Mimi Kinkade as
Angela, who does a Stevie Nicks dance routine as a
demon-possessed sex monster, Linnea Quigley as Suzanne the demon
in a pink tutu hiked up to here (she seduces a fat guy by saying
"Maybe I'm in the mood for pork tonight"), Hal Havins
as the obnoxious fat guy necessary to the plot of every horror
movie ("I can't LIVE without my music"), Alvin Alexis
as the terrified son of a preacher ("We're dead--we've all
died and gone to hell"). Special credit to
writer Joe Augustyn for the line "Would you like a fudge
log?" Two and a half stars.
Joe Bob
Yo,
What's up Joe Bob? I was wondering if there was any way that you
could get some of the "Witchcraft" flicks shown on
Monster Vision? I'd like to see "Witchcraft VI" or
"Witchcraft XI" if you can show them, it would be
really cool.
Later,
RoNN
PS: Try to sneak in a few boob shots....lol.
Dear Ronn,
I'd love to show the "Witchcraft" flicks on "MonsterVision,"
especially the ones featuring my personal friend and superbabe
Stephanie Beaton, but I no longer have any control over "MonsterVision,"
because . . . they fired me!
Joe Bob
Hello Joe Bob!
What would happen if you put all the material from the first two
Drive In books and the Ultimate B movie stuff all into one
humongous book? Would that be bad for fans that already
have the previous books, or would there be enough new fans to
warrant the new book? Or would it just be too big?
When you put out a new book, do you promote it by going on the
talk shows, and would you advertise those appearances on the
website?
Mike
Hayne
Dear Mike,
Well, the Ultimate B Movie Guidebook is pretty much going to
include all of the drive-in reviews, plus all of the reviews I've
done on television, plus many reviews that have never been
published or aired. The two previous "drive-In" books
were reprints of MOST of the columns from 1982 to 1986. There are
many many more columns that were never collected at all. So I
could do a third and even a fourth drive-in book that wouldn't
conflict with the B Movie Guidebook, because the drive-in columns
had a lot of material that weren't part of theactual movie
review. Are you following this? Good, because I'm not.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
What the hell is up with TNT sneaking you off the air? What's
going on? Will your loyal fans be able to find you in
another venue?
Stupid goddamn TNT.
Sincerely,
Larry Cooper
Lowell, Arkansas
PS -- Who should I write to at TNT to complain?
Dear Larry,
That's a good way to put it. They did sneak me off the air,
didn't they? A lot of people have asked me who to write to, but I
tell them not to waste their time. It didn't work for "Star
Trek," so it's sure as hell not gonna work for me.
And yes, I'll be back on TV, and the best way to find out when
and where is to check the website.
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
You
still check this?
I heard there was a connection between you and "something
weird" video...is this true???
I live in Dallas, and am an aspiring B-movie maker, having
already filmed "Battle of the Bastards"...sequel coming
soon.
-Chad "Viva Tejas" Ballew
Dallas, TX
Dear Chad,
Well, I once hosted Herschell Gordon Lewis's "Something
Weird" as part of my video series, "The Sleaziest
Movies in the History of the World." But I don't really have
much to do with the video company per se. I've reviewed a
few and ordered a few.
How in the world did I miss "Battle of the Bastards"?
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob
I think you are the most handsome man I've seen in a long time.
Melvin James
Dear Melvin,
Have you seen many men lately?
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
Are we still in the good ol' US of A? Can this really be
happening?
Chris
New Ohio state law requires five-day waiting period for buying
beer (really!)
WASHINGTON, DC -- A new law in Ohio that requires a five-day
waiting period before buying beer -- yes, you read that correctly
-- has Libertarians wondering: How Lowenbrau can politicians go?
"This is the worst idea since Billy Beer," said
Libertarian Party press secretary George Getz. "We don't
want to Harp on this, but beer-lovers everywhere will be sadder,
Budweiser, when they hear that politicians in Ohio plan to treat
every drinker like a criminal."
On Wednesday, August 9, a new Ohio law will require anyone buying
five or more kegs of beer to fill out a form with the Ohio
Department of Public Safety, and then wait five days before
picking up the beer.
The law, dubbed "Five in Five," also gives law
enforcement the right to search the site of a beer party without
first obtaining a search warrant.
Several other states -- including Iowa, New Hampshire, Kansas,
and Pennsylvania -- have similar laws or are considering similar
legislation, according to Fox News. And Maryland requires all
kegs of beer to be registered with the state government.
Politicians said such laws are necessary because some keg parties
have become violent -- but Libertarians said this kind of
"Nanny State" regulation just Foster's more disrespect
for the law.
"Even the most Mooseheaded politician admits these laws will
have little effect, since people can just buy four kegs at a time
at different locations, or buy beer by the case," said Getz.
"The kind of irresponsible people who hold out-of-control
parties are the same people who will casuallycircumvent this law,
while law-abiding, responsible people will be inconvenienced. It
shouldn't take a Pabst Blue Ribbon panel to figure that
out."
The Ohio law is especially disturbing because it requires people
to give up their Constitutional protectionsagainst unreasonable
search, he said.
"The Fourth Amendment shouldn't be revoked simply because
you want to have a wedding party, or a family reunion, or a
neighborhood block party that includes kegs of beer," said
Getz. "America's FoundingFathers like Sam Adams would never
have stood for such a law."
Instead of targeting everyone, the police should focus just on
those irresponsible drinkers who commit crimes, he said.
"If law-abiding adults are enjoying a legal beverage and
behaving responsibly, they should not have to worry that police
will suddenly show up and demand to search the place," said
Getz. "Law-abiding people should notbe treated like drunken
criminals."
Ohio residents should contact their legislators and demand the
repeal of this law, he said -- before it foams over to other
states.
"This is a Busch-league law, and it needs to be
repealed," said Getz. "This is a Molsen Golden
opportunity for Ohio residents to stand up for liberty."
Dear Chris,
This is the most outrageous thing since California outlawed Happy
Hour and beer by the pitcher. How did they arrive at the five-keg
rule? What if you just ordered four kegs and then called an
hour later and said, "Whoops! I guess we were
thirstier than we thought. Could you send over four more?"
That's what I would do, especially for little intimate gatherings
at home where you probably wouldn't need more than 12 kegs forthe
entire evening.
Thanks for the alert, man.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
We
are devastated to hear about your firing from TNT! They are still
showing reruns of your show here in the Birmingham area so make
sure you get your royalties or whatever! Where can we see you now
or read anyarticles that you might have? Don't worry--TNT will
soon see the error of their ways and beg you to comeback! We have
got up a PETITION and sent it to TNT! So any day now they will be
calling you and begging you back! Keep in touch with us and
let us know what you will be doing in the future as we are
worried about you! Thank you for the picture and the signing of
it and the note! As far as we are concerned, you are a comic
genius and it is stupid of TNT not to realize this!
Sincerely,
Linda & Sip Watters
Birmingham, Ala.
Dear Linda and Sip,
TV networks never see the error of their ways, because they never
have enough a way to err from. You'll notice that, even if
they're lucky enough to build up the most successful programming
night in television history, they'll find some way to screw it
up.
But thanks so much for the sentiment. I'll let you know as soon
as I get a job.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
RE:
Bob Burns (Who?)
Bob is a man in LA, who'd collected SOOOO MANY real tv and movie
fantasy props and costumes, he turned his house into a museum.
NOT a mansion ala Forrey Ackerman but LOTS of stuff. He was Bob
Blaisdel's assistant and they did effects and costumes for
INVASION OF THE SAUCERMEN, THIS ISLAND EARTH, THE SHE CREATURE
and others. Bob had been one of those Gorilla suit men, starring
as TRACY the ape in THE ORIGINAL "Ghost Busters" when
it was a Sat Morning TV series, circa 1974 I think it was w Larry
Storch and Forest Tucker. Bob was also featured in SCI FI
Channel's SCI FI BUZZ................ 'Bob's Basement' segments.
HE owns the ORIGINAL PAL Time Machine prop as well. Anyway, he
has had an official site that w lots of cool links too that can't
be accessed now. Just wondered if they paid their bill/s over
there?
Larry Smith
Santa Maria, CA
Larry,
Okay, there are two Bob Burns. This Bob Burns is the one who has
a new book, "It Came From Bob's Basement." The other
Bob Burns was the art director on "The Texas Chain Saw
Massacre" and several other B movies. Oddly enough, he
has an equally large collection of movie memorabilia and is also
the same sort of packrat. Kinda Twilight-Zoney, don't ya think?
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
Where can we see your face again? Are you really a clone of Norm
McDonald??
Please respond.
E.M. Carey
Dear E.M.,
You can see me every day at 9:30 a.m. in the bread line at the
Full Gospel Mission in downtown East St. Louis. I impersonate
Norm MacDonald and people give me quarters.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
hey joe bob,
sorry you got canned. i hope you get picked up with a new
network. it figures i finally won a monstervision shirt the same
week you got fired. my favorite flick you showed was "the
legend of boggy creek". if you do a new show somewhere
please show it and some of its sequels, i think there are like 3
or 4 by different companies. and you should do a remote broadcast
from fouke. that would be cooler than a dead woman on her
honeymoon. anyway your my hero, im looking for a nice camping
trailer to live in. i hope it will hold all of my comics, pez and
my horror movies. anyway stay cool, im now boycotting tnt.
your #1 fan (scary ain't it?)
danny pace
Dear Danny,
Great minds think alike. I always wanted to do a remote broadcast
from Fouke, Arkansas, home of the Boggy Creek monster, but
somehow the TNT high sheriffs could never see the beauty of my
inspiration.
Joe Bob
Hello Joe Bob,
Okay, so you may be trying to live down that singing bug-zapper
light vid, but it's so delightfully terrible.
TOO
funny! I thought I was the only person who used the term
propaganda. I worked in Russia for a number of years writing TV
and radio shows, everything had to be run by the Ministers of
Decency to make sure all my jokes were suitable for Rooskies.
Guess they couldn't trust such a young Western Capitalist Pig
Whippersnapper like me. What a joke THEY were.
Last week I had to present one of my marketing campaigns to the
president of Sprint along with his "lead team" of vice
presidents. I was terribly nervous as they're not a terribly
jolly crew. So as not to show my nervousness, I launched into a
fairly comedic monologue that didn't seem to thaw the prez's
emotions. I muttered, "Jeesh, I feel like Joe Bob Briggs
defending MonsterVision Drive-In to Ted Turner and TNT
execs." The Senior VP of Sales burst out laughing and said,
"I LOVE Joe Bob Briggs! I've got his book, 'Iron Joe Bob',
he's hilarious." He went on at some length, so I thought for
sure I was going to tank that preso with this diversion, but all
went well, and I've received my significant raise.
Laura Mildon
Houston, TX
Dear Laura,
Are you kidding? You're kidding, right? I'm still trying to live
that thing down!
As to the video, TNT owns it and I'm sure they would NOT give it
to me!
All my best,
Joe Bob
Hey Joe,
Attila here from HorrorMovies.com. Sorry to see you end your
tenure with Monstervision. You will surely be missed.
I want to post this news in the Newsvine section of
HorrorMovies.com and wanted to know if there was anything
specific you'd like say to the HorrorMovies.com audience. I will
also create a Joe Bob section at the same time in our
People section of HorrorSearch with links to your web site and
other relevant pages.
Hope all is well,
Attila Juhasz
www.HorrorMovies.com
Dear Attila,
Well, I'm pretty much talked out on this particular subject, but
there are a bunch of letters about it in this section of my
website.
All my best,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob:
Just got I think the LAST copy of IRON JOE BOB from B&N
bookstore (had to order it but they came through) and I LOVE IT.
Great stuff man. Now I have to look around for all your outta
print books! You are perhaps the best philosopher alive.
Ya know, I am betting $5 that TNT will just eventually cancel
MONSTERVISION and TOTALLY WEIRD altogether. I notice there ain't
much listed beyond August, in fact: nothing, and I also notice
they're alternating WEIRD with MONSTERVISION each week now. And
their website for Monstervision is gettin' lots less informative.
First they ax you and now, whatever was left of the good ol' days
of old monster/weird flix. I guess they need the timeslots to
show more "encore performances" of their latest wannabe
HBO film, or at least an upteenth showing of LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN,
SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION,etc...
Hey, our Rustic Drive In up here in Rhode Island has to turn
folks away on weekends they are so packed, it's awesome to see a
Drive In doin' so well. Just figured you'd like to know.
Bests
Bob Eggleton
Providence RI
Dear Bob,
What are you telling me? Now "Iron Joe Bob" is out of
print, too? Well, I'm glad to hear that the drive-in is
doing better than MY CAREER. Thanks for cheering me WAY up, pal.
Only kidding.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Mr. Bloom,
I hear there's a trend to develop classic drive-in movies into TV
series. I looked into it a found out about the new Fall schedule.
On the Lifetime Channel you'll be seeing a new show about
male/female relationships called "Men Are Invaders From
Mars," "Women are from Venus."
The Health Network has developed a program about a bulimic
cemetery worker called "I Spit Up On Your Grave."
The Sci-Fi Channel is already promoting a new series about a
Norman Bates-type character who only thinks he's a killer called
"Psycho-somatic."
I could go on all night but I have to get up early for work.
Waiting for Joe Bob to get back on the air,
Tim O'Rawe
Palm Beach Gardens, FL
Dear Tim,
And let's hope it's sooner rather than later.
Preciate it,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
I started to watch Monster Vision a week ago, when you had the
"Exorcist" on, & you weren't there! I didn't watch
the whole movie because I've seen it so many times & you
weren't there. Every Saturday night I watch your stupid movies
because I just love watching & hearing you. I have cable TV
& receive your program on TNT. Well, my TV went out 5
days ago &, of course, I couldn't watch your show, but one of
my neighbors, Bob, said you weren't on last night either, (The
Black Hole). He's a shut-in. He has M.S. & we both look so
forward to seeing you each Saturday evening. The reason I'm
taking the time to write this letter is, please don't leave
Monster Vision. Bob & I agree, that it just isn't Saturday
night without you--So, come back!
Sincerely,
Catherine Lake
Manton, CA
P.S. I don't even care that you're a "Male Chauvinist
Pig"! HA!
Dear Catherine,
Please
go next door and tell Bob that they FIRED me! It wasn't my fault!
Between the two of you, I feel TERRIBLE. What are you trying to
do to me? As soon as I find a new home, I'll let you know!
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Hey JoeBob
Major Bummer that MonsterVision is coming to an end. You really
had a heck of a show.
Question: Is "Rusty" going to be on you new website, or
will she have one of her own (I thought her real name was
"Renna," and not "Sharon")?
Also, when was her Birthday?
-Phillippi.
Dear Phillippi,
Renner St. John, formerly known as Renner Wesolowski, also known
as Rusty the Mail Girl, briefly incarnated on the
"MonsterVision" website as "Sharon," is
living in Southern California and pursuing her acting career.
Sadly, there is no way to deliver Internet mail in spiked high
heels.
I don't think you're gonna be able to pry Renner's birthday out
of her.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Joe
Bob,
Yes, it's me again. (I know, I really need to get a life). But
picture this: Series premiere of "Joe Bob's Variety
show." Musical guest is Snoop Doggy Dogg. After Snoop, your
celebrity guest is Abraham Lincoln. (Stay with me here). I think
it could go something like this:
JOE
BOB: Mr. Lincoln, thank you for coming by.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: It's my pleasure Joe Bob. By the way, I loved
that performance by Snoop Doggy Dogg.
JOE BOB: Really. You and Mrs. Lincoln are fans of Snoop?
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: Oh yes, big time. Mary and I spent many a night
during the civil war getting jiggy to the Snoopster.
JOE BOB: I don't think I've ever heard a president say
"jiggy" before. So, how have you been Mr. President?
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: I've been dead !
JOE BOB: Right. You were shot by John Wilkes Boothe at the Ford
Theater.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: Mary had to go see a play. Wanted more culture
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