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Dear JB,

I was channel surfing the other night, and I came across this totally bizarre Robert Altman movie called "3 Women" with Sissy Spacek and Shelley Duvall. Have you ever seen this movie, and if you have, what in the world was it about? I don't get it.

By the way, I read "Evidence of Love" this summer, and I literally could not put it down. Sort of creepy in some places, but axes freak me out anyway. Why don't you write the sequel?

Saturday night sucks without you,

Melissa Hohle
Houston, TX

Melissa,

Robert Altman is one of those guys that, his movies are never ABOUT anything, are they? That's a HORRIFYING movie.

The sequel to "Evidence of Love" would be . . . what? Betty comes back from the grave? Or Candy pulls a Sissy Spacek?

Joe Bob



Dear Joe Bob,

I'm slowly working my way through the movie archives on your web site (up to 1992 now), and have thoroughly enjoyed your eloquent defenses of the First Amendment. Over the last few years, who do you think has been winning the war? On the one hand, I think the desire to censor continues unabated -- witness speech codes, the MPAA, newspaper consolidation, and Bill Bennett. On the other, the Internet is making censorship much more difficult, at least for those fortunate enough to have access. It's no substitute for a good newspaper or well stocked library though. Do you worry that techies (like me) concentrate too much on keeping the Internet free of censorship at the expense of all the other attempts going on around us?

Joe Louderback
Dept. of Physics
Wake Forest University

Dear Joe,

Definitely not! I think the bulk of our efforts should be devoted to making certain that the Internet remains free. People have always wanted democracy in PRINCIPLE, but the various ruling elites--different people at different times--have always been protected from REAL democracy by the fact that it was impossible for people with no money to accomplish anything. You know the old saying, "Freedom of the press only applies to the person who owns a press"? Well, NOW EVERYONE OWNS A PRESS. Never in history has a printing press been this inexpensive. For less than a hundred dollars you can start publishing. This is revolutionary, and because it's revolutionary you can be certain there will be proposals put forward to regulate it. It will happen when an unscrupulous person uses the Internet to commit a crime, probably a crime against a child. It will have to be something so outrageous that they can use it as an excuse for censorship. Almost all censorship efforts these days are couched as an effort to "protect children." We're already seeing big multinationals like AOL limiting content and access to sites. I think all of the search engines now have policies about "hate" sites; of course, THEY make the definition of what constitutes a hate site, and by censoring them they actually help promote their cause, because nothing would end them more swiftly than the clear light of day.

As you can see, I can rattle on about this at some length.

I should warn you, though, that only a fraction of my writing has gone up on the site. 

Hang in there,

Joe Bob


hi joe bob!

im tuned in tonight to christine and half thinking i wish my old buick could regenerate itself-lol-anyhow im one of your faithful female fans and i have a request- 8 wks ago i had breast reduction surgery and i think nothing would showcase my gorgous new bustline better thn a monstervision t-shirt!you must have a bunch of them lying around the set!lol-i will keep my fingers crossed!

Michele B. Parker
Salisbury, Maryland

Dear Michele,

How are those boobs doing? "MonsterVision" T-shirts were specifically designed for that cantilever effect, so I don't know if you could wear one now. I wouldn't want you to be embarrassed by the overhang. Did you at least donate the leftover boobs to a destitute flat-chested woman in the Third World?

All my best,

Joe Bob


Dude, 

I was flicking around on the TV and found your show, maan, i have like 80 channels and your show is the best on. I wish you werent on at 2 in the morning though :-(But thamk god for the VCR. any way, tell methis: As the monkeys (im pota 4) are so dumb that they can't even pour a glass of water, still they can understand the Loong speech Ceasar holds in the end of the movie?!?! and some of the monkeys can hardly handle a meat cleaver, but others run in comando style and shoot like trained soldiers... And what's up with that everybody has turtle necks ?!?!?

Couynt me in as one of your top suporters, even though I just discovered you, they don't air your show in Sweden :-(

peace,

Jo the Exile Swede
Alexandria, VA

Dear Jo,

I think I can explain the turtlenecks in "Planet of the Apes" sequels. Early seventies! You're Swedish--don't you remember ABBA?!

Best,

Joe Bob



Joe Bob,

why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 
what color is clear?
why do they put braille on those drive through bank machines?
how do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
if the #2 pencil is soooooooooo popular, then why is it still #2?
before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
why do they call it tourist season if we can't shoot at them???

a faithful viewer,
stef

Dear Stef,

Those are all good enough to steal. Thanks!

Joe Bob



Dear Joe Bob,

Hello my name is Galen Rosenthal. I am one of the programmers for the Bicknell International Film Festival. Bicknell is located in southern Utah in the town of Bicknell right outside Capital Reef National Park. Bicknell was founded by Lory Smith of the Utah Film Commission and cofounder of the Sundance Film Festival. And by Trent Harris director of Rueben and Ed, and Plan 10 from Outer Space. Bicknell will be held the 21st, and 22nd of July this year. Bicknell specializes in showcasing B films from the 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's. This is are 5th year, and this year we are having a retrospective of Al Adamsom's movies. Mr. Adamsom was known as the Ed Wood of the 60's and 70's. Joining us for the retrospective is Mr. Adamsom partner and producer Sam Sherman, and one of Mr. Adamsom main actor Russ Tamblyn, We wondering if you would interested in shooting a segment for Montervision at Bicknell. Please respond to this message if you are or aren't interested, or call me or Trent Harris ! at the numbers below.

Thanks,

Galen Rosenthal
Programmer Bicknell International Film Festival
Park City, UT


Dear Galen,

Sorry I missed the festival. Did Russ Tamblyn do any back flips? I hope you showed "Satan's Sadists," one of Sam Sherman's finest!

Hang in there,

Joe Bob


Dear Joe Bob,

I am a 19 year old who watches Monstervision religiously with people I usually talk to in a chat room, while online in a Star Trek chat room hecking the great writers and dirctors of these fine and high quality movies. You definatly need more airtime, no one cares about dinner and a movie, people don't watch non-PBS cablemovies so they can learn to cook.  Everyone who watches with us thinks you rock and are very funny, but, We want to know who is it that sits in the back of the studio laughing all alone by himself at your jokes, is he paid to do that, or does he actually sit and do that for the hell of it?

Sincerely

Shan/Kate Iasone
Stoneham, MA

Dear Shan,

Well, we used to have more than one guy laughing, but all the other ones . . . got fired! (Maybe I should have seen it coming, huh?)

All my best,

Joe Bob


Joe Bob,

I have been a big Monstervision fan ever since a few years ago when you showed the Friday 13th movies on Halloween. I am disappointed that you left but I guess you have your reasons. I am a big fan of Zombie Movies, and I was wondering if you knew any good ones besides Night of the Living Dead;  Return of theLiving Dead 1,2, and 3; Day of the Dead; Dawn of the Dead; and Evil Dead 1 and 2? Please answer when you get a chance.

Will
Leesburg, GA

Dear Will,

Well, there's "The Sixth Sense," the most original zombie movie of the last ten years.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob



Hey Joe Bob,

Why'd ya leave? I always looked forward to Saturday because of Monstervision and Joe Bob Briggs. But now I have no reason to watch TNT. Oh well, thanks for reading.

Cocobelle57

Dear Cocobelle57,

Well, the short version is that I didn't leave, I was booted out the swinging doors and they never even hit my ass on the way out. But if you really wanna know about it, go to the website and read the letters section. I'm plum tuckered out on answering all the questions.

Joe Bob


Dear Joe Bob,

You can't leave Monster Vision!! All us Hi tech Rednecks down here in  Texas depend on you for wholesome family entertainment. We will miss you and suffer from the newly found "Joe Bobus-Withdrawalus" Syndrome. We have watched for the longest time and Our Saturday night just won't be the same without you. At least see if you can do a B-movie marathon, with such classics as "Night of the Lepus", or something so we can get our fill of  Joe Bob. You are the greatest! What are you going to do? Are you ever  going to come back? To us you are the most annoying and obnoxious thing on the Satellite down here in thetrailer and we love you! Please, please don't go!!!!

Forever, faithfully,pleadingly, loyaly your fans,

The Beaulieu's and Harper's
Tomball, TX

Dear Beaulieus and Harpers,

You people are SICK!

I love you.

Preciate the support, guys, but they canned my butt. There won't be any B-movie marathons in the near future.

Joe Bob


Hi Joe Bob,

I don't normally bug celebrities, but I just have to ask what happened to the deal with TNT's Monster Vision? I am a B-movie fanatic, and have watched your commentary since the early days on HBO (at least I think itwas HBO). The last two weeks have not been the same without your running analysis on the flicks. I was a bit let down with the "watered down" version of the show on TNT (as opposed to the earlier shows), butstill enjoyed it none the less. Sorry to ramble, just wondering what's up, and if I can expect to see you on my tv again without having to go to the video store.

Thanks,
Matt Bunch
Twin Falls, ID

PS: My hometown sports two drive-ins, and business is good. I live across the street from one of them, and I still pay to get in.

Dear Matt,

The fired me, bud. Where are these two drive-ins that have such tough security you can't sneak in?

(If you wanna find out about the TNT situation, go to my website and read all the letters.)

Joe Bob



Joe Bob, 

What about "Blood Sucking Freaks," how did you like / not like that one? Thanks to you, I saw "Pieces" and uncut "Last House On The Left". I thought if Nat'l Lampoon teamed w Mel Brooks or even Gilbert Godfried and they made a horror movie, it'd been "Blood Sucking Freaks."

Larry

Dear Larry,

"Bloodsucking Freaks" is definitely one of the all-time best ultra-low-budget classics. They definitely do NOT make em like that anymore.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob



Hi Joe Bob,

I've been a fan for a little while now (though I wish I had seen you sooner - I feel like I missed a lot of Joe Bob time!), and am saddened that you'll no longer be doing Monstervision. Ted's loss as far as I'm concerned.

Anyway, I heard that Sam Raimi is going to be directing the new Spiderman movie - is that true? Do you have any insight on that?

For what it's worth, if I were ever able to buy/start a cable station, you'd be my first hire.

Peace and good luck,

Matt Gold
San Jose, CA


Dear Matt,

In that case, please buy a cable network.

I can't imagine any finer choice for "Spiderman" than Sam Raimi, but that project has been on the drawing boards for about 20 years now.  I'll believe it when I see it.

Joe Bob


Joe Bob,

I watch your show all the time and i just read your books. I have decided that you are God. No one else can be as great as you!!!!

Jenny Halvorsen
Minneapolis, MN

Dear Jenny,

You mean that's the best you can say about me? Thanks a LOT.

Joe Bob


Dear Joe Bob,

Any chance that in the future that you will be able to show the classic film, Eyes Without A Face? I haven't seen it since childhood and have yet to find it on video. I remember it as being a creepy, cool film. Certain scenes from the film have haunted me to this day. Do you remember this film?

Kathleen Sanchez
Utica, NY

Dear Kathleen,

You've totally stumped me. Are you sure that's the original title of the film? What are the scenes that "haunt you to this day"?

All my best,

Joe Bob



JoeBob,

First of all, I'd like to thank you for the autographed photo you sent me. That is really great!

Next, I've visited your website probably more than anyone else...LOL...and been through the archives. I have just one question...you show all the sequels that really sucked but how come you never show my alltime favorite movie... The Howling? Just wondering.

Cindy Tuley,
Dixmoor, IL

Dear Cindy,

"The Howling" hasn't been on cable in quite some time, and that usually means there's something screwywith the rights. Are you saying that you didn't appreciate our screening of "The Howling 7," one of the greatest movies ever filmed at a country-western bar in the Mojave Desert?

Joe Bob


Dear Joe Bob,

I thought you were very funny when you asked if that's the Mr.goody truck.When i saw your name at the credits it took me days to find you in the film but i did.I'm a really big fan.Thanks for making me laugh.

lol,
(NIKKI)
Erica Dunning-Hutcherson
Nashville, TN

Dear Nikki,

Thanks so much for the nice words, hon. I hope you were watching the "director's cut" version because my scenes got cut out of the original, due to a conspiracy by the executives of Cannon Films. Actually, they did such a bad job of cutting me out that my scenes "escaped" in eight or nine prints that were sent out. The scenes were only put back in for the new "director's cut" version.

All my best,
Joe Bob

Joe Bob,

My friends and I have always been huge fans of your shows and reviews. We've been talking about the possibility of reviving the drive in and drive in horror movies. Do you think that will ever be a possibility or is the drive in movie, and the cult horror movie genre, dead forever? Maybe you could get a show on The Sci-Fi Channel, force them to show some quality B-movies for a change

--Colin
Temple, TX

Dear Colin,

Listen carefully: The drive-in will never die. A couple of new drive-ins opened up just this summer.

The cult movie is another matter. They still exist, but a lot of em go directly to late-night premium cable now. But yes, there will always be a place for a great exploitation movie.

Joe Bob



Dear Joe Bob,

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JoeBob for treatment of minor cuts and abrasions
mountain fresh JoeBob
wax on, wax off, JoeBob
JoeBob the other white meat
got the urge to JoeBob
JoeBob the killer cure

Sally A Lockhart
Phoenix, AZ

Dear Sally,

You forgot: Takes a lickin and keeps on tickin.

Joe Bob



dear joe bob,

I have an idea on what you should do next. go to HBO and do the same thing you have been doing for the last 14 YEARS. I know you think you are in a rut but lets be truthful: i love waching you make fun of and show bad horror films that i could not see even if i wanted to. besides, HBO got  deniss miller and criss rock and alot of other extremly funny, foul, truthful, in-your-face,shows, so youle fit right in!!!

we miss you
rob(guitar-horror boy)
from N.J.

Dear Rob,

What are you telling me? That you love my rut?

Joe Bob


Hey Joe Bob:

Glad you are still writing and working after the TNT high sherriffs left you high and dry.  Are you going to be in the Dallas area the first weekend in August? You have an open invite to attend QuakeCon 2000 at the Mesquite Convention Center Aug 3-6. It's a combination convention and competition for Quake-style first person shooter game and its the only convention fully sponsored and funded by id Software (the makers of Doom and Quake who work out of Mesquite) It might be interesting to attend just for "research" if you know what I meanand I think you do.

If you need more info, go to http://www.quakecon.org.
Talk to you soon

John Callaham


Dear John,

Sorry I missed the first-person shooter game. I would have had an unfair advantage, though, because in my neighborhood we also had second-person and third-person shooter games.

Joe Bob



Dear Joe Bob:

Let me be the millionth and one person to say how ridiculous TNT's action was, how Saturday nightwon't be the same, how I'll miss the commentary that made those movies worth watching, etc. You're the spokeman for a substantial minority of folks with strong but commonsense ideas onfreedom. Here's hoping you can find a way to talk to them in mass, without too many High Sheriffs.

By the way, have you ever reviewed any of the "Baby Cart" or "Lone Wolf and Cub" Samurai series?You know, the ones where the Shogun's executioner gets framed by his enemies, and goes on the road with his small son, and spills about fifty gallons of blood per? I think some U.S. titles
might have been "Shogun Assasin" or "Sword of Vengance" or something. 

Peter Grieve

Dear Peter,

Absolutely. "Shogun Assassin" is one of the top ten samurai movies ever made. I never knew it was called "Baby Cart" overseas, but I see why! Unfortunately, I've never worked at a company that had the simoleans to actually BUY the shogun series.

Preciate the TNT comments, bud, but I'll rise from the phoenix like the ashes, as usual.

Joe Bob



hey joe bob,

first of all let me say the latest move that the idiots at tnt/turner/time warner makes me wonder if ole ted would have trouble emptying a boot full of water with instructions on the heel. well i could rantand rave but i see you have more than likely developed a "mind over matter" philosophy like mine. i dont MIND and they dont MATTER. anyway i was just wantin tolet you know how much of afan i am of your work and i hope that you land a better job and can laugh in the general direction of good ole standards and practices at tnt. Also, i was wondering where would be the best place to locate some really old cheesy sci fi movies. my friends and i get a whole lot of movies like those and have our own "mystery science theater 2000" party. i look forward to seeing you jump right back in the mix and i hope you flushed out the trailer's waste dump before you left tnt.

a fellow texan,
kenny c lilback

Dear Kenny,

Well, you pretty much nailed it right on the kisser when you said "Standards and Practices." I think more than anything, the rapid flight of TNT into 19th-century standards of taste should have warned me a long time ago.

Joe Bob


Joe Bob,

If You Need Help Cheering Up and happen to be in Oakland, CA on a Thursday night, stop by the Parkway Theater. Every Thursday is Thrillville Theater hosted by, appropriately enough, Will the Thrill. The emphasis is on stylish filmsfrom the fifties and sixties, but can range from noir classics like "Mildred Pierce" to the films of Ray Dennis Steckler. As an added bonus, you can drink beer in a glass during the flick!

It's a lot of fun, very low key and the kind of place you'd get a kick out of. I'll include a link below.

http://www.picturepubpizza.com/Will/archives/june.html

Interesting aside: Will the Thrill is the son of B-movie actor Robert Viharo who starred as Zachary Kane, Modern Day Bounty Hunter in the unduly obscure motorcycle-riding kung fu serial killer classic, Bare Knuckles.

I'm sorry to hear TNT let you go. I've enjoyed the show for a long timeand will miss it. Hell, I used togoof off at work by reading your show transcripts. Maybe that's why I'm no longer employed there. Anyhow, the show was great stuff. I hope to see you on the air again soon.

Cory Marciel
Livermore, CA 

Dear Cory,

Funny you should mention that. Will the Thrill has extended an invitation for me to appear at theParkway on an upcoming Thursday night. We just haven't figured out a date and a movie yet.

Joe Bob



TO: Joe Bob Briggs
RE: The Warriors finally return to Coney Island

WARRIORS, THE 
(1979)
(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide)

One of the most controversial films ever released, blamed for murders and gang violence in several cities. Michael Beck, James Remar. 

-----
THAT's IT? THAT's your entire review? Blech. :) And that "controversial" concept fades once onewatches the movie. If recall correctly the controversial part was more on the posters 'emselves, quite scary stuffs on the Brooklyn or Queens trains. 

Moronic gang that spends the whole night running from every gang in city to get back home toConey Island, when a simple cab ride woulda got them there wayyyy faster (well depends on if you could actually make the cab driver understand your directions, that is.) Course that would kill the movie, as you so verrry well seconded in a prior Monstervision. :)

I demand more substance in this "review". :)

[The Warriors finally return to Coney Island at daybreak] Swan: This is what we fought all night to get back to?

I LOVE THAT LINE. And being a former NYC resident even MORE so. Now I be stuck in the slowand boring BUT peaceful Midwest, but thank Reagan's Jelly Beans I ain't in NYC.

:)
Christopher Coulter
Morton, IL


Christopher,

Hey, man, you gotta cut me a little slack. The Ultimate B Movie Guide is a work in progress, andnone of those comments I made on The Movie Channel have gone in there yet. But it was aVERY controversial movie, and one of the chief opponents of it was Ted Turner himself. But I'll explain all that . . . later! Just gimme some time to load everything in there!  Jeez.

Joe Bob


Hey Joe Bob,
Soooo sorry to learn you are off the monstervision show. You were, if FACT, the only reason Iwatched those simple movies week after week. It became sort of a tradition to watch your show (no matter how bad the movies were) just to hear your comments & trivia. It will NOT be the same without you, & TNT has now lost this viewer as a result. I'm checking out your web site & hope to see you in other projects soon. TNT doesn't realize what they lost yet, & I'm sure your other supporters will be dropping them emails to let them know it. 

Good luck....
Paul Cunniff
EX-monstervision viewer)


Dear Paul,

You're a prince of a fellow for saying all those things, bud. I take it you didn't watch the world premiere of "Running Mates" on TNT this week?

Joe Bob


Mr. Joe Bob Briggs,

Hello. My name is Ger Nowak III. I am 16 and live in southeast Michigan. Im writing you to give my thanks for 5 great years of Monstervision television. It damn near killed me when I saw your name and picture erased from the website. I remember being captivated by you from the first time I beheld you that first summer. I remained faithful throughout these last few years and caught your show whenever possible.  Even now, I continue to have fond recollections of the old trailer set, your great eight to midnight timeslot (back when it was the Monstervision Double Feature), the original mail girl Honey, and many nights of non-stop laughter. Why did TNT kill all that??? What next, Joe Bob??? What next??? 

I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Yours Truly,

Ger Nowak
Canton, MI

P.S.- Why no farewell show. Those bastards at TNT at least owe the fans that much. Good luck friend.

Dear Ger,

Preciate it, bud, but if you knew more about the background of the place, you'd probably be breathing a sigh of relief that my butt is out of there. Among other things, if I'd worked there much longer, I would have been bankrupt!

Joe Bob



Dear Joe Bob,

Hi, hope you are doing great. 

Just had an idea to run by you. Would you like to have/sponsor a Joe Bob Briggs Dancing Bovina (me!) in the Flow Rider Summer Series national championship in Arlington, TX? The competition isscheduled for 9/2 at Hurricane Harbor?  

Wish you the best.

Janice Fain
Dallas, TX

P.S. Being a Bovina will always stand out as a most fun time! 


Dear Janice,

I have no idea what a Flow Rider is, but it sounds vaguely nasty.  What did you just ask me?

I miss my beloved Dancing Bovina Sisters. You gals were two tons of fun. Is there life after Bovinadom?

Joe Bob


Joe Bob

First, let me tell you how sorry I am that you left Monstervision.  Those trips into B-Movie Hell just won't be the same without you. I don't know if you've decided what you're going to do next, but in case you haven't I've come up with a  couple of ideas that might please some of your ex-Monstervision fans.  The first one would be for you to intro and  discuss a film just like you did on Monstervision, but without having to please the censors, and then sell the tapes on your web site. I have to admit I don't know how financial feasible this would be, I imagine it could be very expensive. The second and much more realistic idea is for you to host a Joe Bob Briggs film festival. You could have it in the city of your choice and showcase some great films of the past orhighlight some up and coming filmmakers that you think are worth checking out. Just a couple of ideas-take them for what their worth.

A Loyal Fan
Paul Hayes 

Dear Paul,

Thanks for those ideas, bud. Actually, I've done both things in the past. I had a video series called "Joe Bob Briggs Presents the Sleaziest Movies in the History of the World," and I used to run the World Drive-In Movie Festival and Custom Car Rally. Both lost money!

No, really, the video series was owned by a British company that closed up shop and went back to England shortly after releasing the series, and the drive-in movie festival was a non-profit thing done with the USA Film Festival in Dallas. The problem with a video series is getting the rights. Usually these rights are tied up for years at a time. The film festival, though, is very feasible. What I would probably do is hook up with people who are already running film programs. Almost every city has its regular cult-movie night, and I could be an extra added attraction.

Joe Bob


Hello Mr. Briggs,

I was checking out your cool B-movie database and I like your reviews a lot. Especially the one about The Terminator. I was just wondering, in your reviews you refer to things in a manner such as "Dog Fu, Snake Fu, Wheelbarrow Fu, Money Fu, Car Fu" What is Fu? It doesn't seem to have anything to do with the famous four-letter word. Anyways, tiyeet movie reviews! They rock! --
but....

What is Fu?

Paul Lowe

Dear Paul,

All Fu's begin with the venerable Kung Fu and branch out from there as shorthand for the effective cinematic use of extreme violence. I'm surprised I have to tell you this.

Joe Bob



Hi Joe Bob,

I hope you are doing well. I've been hearing your Shiner commercials on a local radio station over the last several weeks. It's nice to hear you endorsing my beer of choice. I was really glad to run across your web site a few days ago. I've been a fan of yours since your original column debuted in the Dallas Slimes Herald back in '82.

I watched "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and "American Hot Wax" last weekend and got all nostalgic for the drive-in scene again. I started rereading your first book and decided to see if I could find an official web site somewhere out there in cyberspace. Your site is nicely done, and I really like the links. I had a question, though, about the pic next to the Joe Bob's Web Chicks link. Is that a poster for "Fire Maidens from Outer Space"? 

Since the concession stand at the Astro D.I. burned down a few years ago, the DFW area has been in pretty sad shape as far as drive-in fare goes. Blockbuster Video ran all (or most) of the mom and pop video shops out of town so it's harder than ever to find copies of such fine cinematic fare as "The Grim Reaper" to rent. Thank God there are a couple of company's out there cranking this stuff out on DVD! I saw that Rhino released a double feature DVD with "The Beach Girls" and "The Pom Pom Girls" on it, but it wasn't letterboxed so I decided to pass. If a company is going to do this they really should do it right as far as I am concerned and letterbox these suckers.

Has "Hi Test Girls" ever been released on video? I wasn't able to catch it when it played here in Dallas back in '83. If not, then maybe the small screen can't handle that much garbonza action?

Well, I'll stop rambling now. Just wanted to say hello and let you know that I'll be keeping an eye out for your newest book or any upcoming TV appearances. Sorry I missed you in Dallas a week or so ago. Whenever you get around to finding those old copies of "The Joe Bob Report" or "We Are the Weird" I will probably be sending an order in to complete my collection. I've still got my hat from the World Drive-In Movie Festival and Custom Car Rally. You know, that hardtop the Inwood has tried to show some good stuff as a midnight movie off and on over the last couple of years, but that area of town is so full of quiche-eaters that I doubt they have been able to make much of a go at it. If somebody opened a Hooters around there nobody in the neighborhood would realize what they were missing. Sad. 

I may decide to truck on out to the Starlight Six Drive-In in Atlanta, GA for their Drive-In Invasion in September if I can talk some friends of mine into it.

Still a drive-in kind of guy,

John Alford
Carrollton, TX

Dear John,

Quite a few people have asked me about "High Test Girls," but it was one of those dubbed European releases that was released under many names. My favorite was "Gas Pump Girls." And I never found out the original French title. Be forewarned, though: it's a teaser, not a pleaser. The main reason to see it is for that one wide-screen shot that has, I think, 12 nekkid garbonzas in it. And, of course, at this point your chances of seeing it on a wide screen are virtually nil. Sometimes life is dang hard, isn't it?

Hang in there,

Joe Bob



Joe Bob,

This is the second letter that I have wrote since T.N.T screwed up and let  you go. It is their loss, as well as ours. I read what you said about going to a premium chanel, but your show would be great on H.B.O. No  censorship, because censorship sucks. I am still trying to get you on  there, I have been writing them letters. Millions and millions of fans miss you and are hoping to see you again soon.

Thank You
Chris Greenfeather

Dear Chris,

Well, unfortunately, HBO doesn't use movie hosts. Very few networks use movie hosts anymore. But I'll keep trying!

Joe Bob



Hey Joe Bob you stud muffin, 

I'm still looking for the article you wrote about the 2 fat sisters who got stuck in the door and couldn't get out until they lost some weight, which meant they had to do without food!! Now we're talking 2 fat angry sisters stuck in a door. Can I find it in any of your  books? I look forward to hearing from you! Be still my heart!

Your # 1 Fan (I bet that's what all the girls say!!!)

Linda Camacho
Cypress, TX 

Dear Linda,

No, darlin, that's not collected in any of my books, but just to make you happy I went and dug out the article. The reason I didn't put it in a book is that it doesn't make sense unless you know that, the week it came out, the biggest news in the country involved these two whales that were trapped in the ice up in the Arctic, and every day CNN reported on efforts to free them so they could rejoin the other whales on the southern migration. Okay, got that? Here's the article (I'm not including the movie review) . . .

Wanda Bodine finally got back in town from going to Law School at the University of Arkansas, where she majored in "People That Lose One or Several Limbs," and after about a half hour of bawling like a baby buffalo that goes its foot caught in a bear trap, I agreed to take her and her little sister Doreen to the mall to get some Mexican buffet. But what happened is, after we ate dinner, Doreen wandered into the Mrs. Field's Cookie store and ordered the Macadamia Mount McKinley, and by the time I figured out where she'd gone, it was too late. The Bodine Sisters, in case you haven't run into em lately, now weigh about 17,000 pounds each, and I knew once they got into that store we'd have to call the fire department. Doreen started sucking down bakery products like she had a midget with a Hoover vacuum cleaner in her stomach, and when Wanda saw her doing it, she just naturally sailed in, knocking over three or four small children as she did. 

The rest of it you've probly heard about on CNN by now. Doreen and Wanda stayed in there way past the time I could of got em out with color photographs of giant burriots. And so by the time we took action, they'd run up a $984 cookie bill, not to mention Doreen being so pumped on sugar she was crushing an assistant manager between her thighs.

When the mall management got there, Wanda and Doreen were both slamming against the double glass doors, trying to break free, but it was that last 89 pounds of macadamia that put em just over the limit. No way they were gonna wedge through doors constructed for the needs of mere 400-pounders. And, actually, I talked to the mall manager, Clyde Spragins, about it, and for a while we decided the only thing to do was harpoon both of em, hook em up to an electric winch, and just start cranking. That's when the media showed up.

Within 24 hours a team of crack Korean plastic surgeons showed up, with plans to do quickie body tucks on both porkers, then hose emd own, oil em up, harness em, and yank em through the front entry with a Nissan truck. But time was running out, and we all thought, "What if Nissan won't let a Korean drive their trucks?" Every 15 minutes either Wanda or Doreen would re-surface at the front of the store, chocolate chips hanging off her chin, screaming she needed some milk. The President sent a telegram:

 "Our prayers are with both Wanda and Doreen, and with the rescue effort--I'm watching on television, and feel as the whole nation does that our hearts have gone out to those giant stuffed pigs."

Money and equipment poured in from all over the world. The Red Cross sent a block and tackle. Ringling Brothers sent an eleplant trainer. It seemed like everything else in the world had stopped. Only Wanda and Doreen mattered. Some Pottawatomi Indians from a reservation in Oklahoma showed up with chainsaws, saying they could cut a path through Toys R Us if necessary. Donald Trump offered a wrecking ball. On the second day we got the sad news that the assistant manager couldn't hold out any longer. He passed away from the smell.

But the story ended happily. On the third morning the Transamerica Company came through with a guarantee that, whatever happened to the double-strength industrial glass Mrs. Field's swinging doors, they would guarantee the mall against lawsuits. Clyde game the signal: "Thar she blows!" But nobody knew what that meant so he gave another signal: "Get them fat girls out of my mall!" And the SWAT team exploded the double glass at the exact moment when the Bodine Sisters were circling back into the kitchen to suck up some more batter. There was glass everywhere, then silence. We all waited, and after the smoke cleared, Doreen's left thigh bobbed up through the debris and knocked down a volunteer fireman. She surfaced once, sounded, wagged her rear end at her sister, and the two of them started to waddle their nubby little legs down the mall towards J.C. Penney's, slowly  beginning to get their strength back.

There wasn't a dry eye in the mall. I'm getting all choked up just telling the story. And now I suppose my life will never be the same.

All my best,

Joe Bob


Hey Joe Bob,

I've missed monster vision the last few weeks. I hit the website to catch up and find out you're leaving. You were my favorite show on tv. Are you doing something similiar in the future? I'm so depressed. I'll drink an 'Old swill' I mean Old Mill Saturday during the show. Take care,

Derek McPherren

Dear Derek,

Don't drink Old Swill. That's the beer I USED to endorse. I did a taste test and now I like Shiner Bock much better. Much healthier.

Joe Bob

Hey Joe Bob,

I finally got one of those Monstervision t-shirts. I guess TNT was trying to get rid of them since you aren't there anymore. Oh Well!  Hey, Let me know if you plan on having your own special shirts made. Maybe you could have a contest. Whatcha think?

Awaiting your arrival,

Shari Ashley
Charlotte, NC

Dear Shari,

This is very strange. Several people have written to say that they've won "Monstervision" shirts from TNT. They must be unloading those babies like crazy.

Anyhow, we're gonna have all kinds of great free junk for our website contests. Don't worry. I remain the King of Free Junk.

All my best,

Joe Bob



Joe Bob,

What do you think of Troma pictures? Real horror? Or just a sad attempt at being both funny and horrifying? And what's all that I hear about the old movie Cannibal Holocaust? Have you saw this one, and does it really try to pass itself off as a snuff film? Let me know what you think...

Later,

Justin Stone
Hazlehurst, GA

Justin,

Troma Films are made by guys who are TRYING to be campy, so nothing about them is serious from beginning to end. You just have to put on your John Waters hat when you watch em.

"Cannibal Holocaust" is one of a series of Italian-made cannibal films from the late seventies and early eighties that used simulated butchery of human beings and REAL butchery of animals. Nope, it's not a snuff film. I don't think they billed it as a snuff film, although they may have promoted it as a documentary on cannibalism.

Joe Bob



Heya Joe Bob,

Obviously, I'm really disappointed that TNT let you go, but now you can concentrate on doing DVD commentaries, which I think would be really cool.

Anyway, I was wondering if you've seen and/or can recommend a little flick called "Incubus". After being lost to everyone but the French for the last 30 years, "the first movie made entirely in Esperanto" is now available on video direct from the producer. I missed its screenings in NYC recently, and oh, it's just killing me. William Shatner is the lead actor in it! And he speaks  Esperanto! Esperanto! Do you know anything about this? Do you think  it's worth the $35?

If you get a chance, though, definitely try to catch Jon Paizs' "Crime Wave" (US video title "The Big Crime Wave") from 1987. Way low budget Winnipeg comedy about a filmmaker who wants to make a crime movie, but is able to write only the beginings and endings of scripts.

Take care man,

Dave Bushnell
Maplewood, NJ 

Dear Dave,

I'm familiar with both movies by reputation, but alas, haven't seen them. "Incubus" actually sounds PAINFUL to me. Are you sure you want to endure that, even for the the ideals of high camp?

Hang in there,

Joe Bob


Hey man, 

I'm making a site about horror movies, and since you're linked to some, I was wondering if it would be alright if I posted your e-mail address on my site? 

Later,

RoNN Snake
Huntington, WV

Dear RoNN,

Absolutely. There can't be enough horror sites.

Joe Bob

Hey Joe Bob:

I just read through your other postcards. Let me just say that some people are SOOO rude!! I actually enjoy your sense of humor. I loved your comments a while back during the showing of American President. How funny!!

I am wondering exactly how tall you are? I can tell on the show you are a very tall man, so what exactly is your height? Mine is  6'4". So, are ya single???? :)

ROSALEE
Tulsa, OK

Dear Rosalee,

Are you telling me you're a six-foot-four Amazon from Oral Roberts University? That could be such a deadly combinaton that it's almost sinful just to think about it!

Yes, I'm 6-4, too. It must be fate. Go to the Praying Hands statue. If the Big Guy tells you it's right, then I'll be there next week.

Joe Bob


DEAR JOE BOB BRIGGS,

COULD YOU PLEASE PLAY THE MOVIE "THE GRANNY" DIRECTED BY LUCA BERCOVICI. IT IS THE MOST FUNNIEST, WEIRDEST, HORROR MOVIE AND I JUST LOVE RYAN BALLMAN!!!

PLEASE PLAY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

GRACE RANERE
PHOENIX, AZ

Dear Grace,

You're only the second person in history who ever named Luca Bercovici in a letter to me. So you're obviously my kinda gal! Do you know that Luca Bercovici also directed "Parasite in 3-D," which starred Demi Moore? What a master of the genre.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob



Dear Joe Bob,

I wrote to you a few weeks ago to complain about your use of the word puppies when referring to a woman's breasts. I'd like to say how pleased I am that you have not done so again. I have now gone from somewhat of a fan to a total and complete fan. As a matter of fact if you run for president I'll vote for you. I think you are exactly what this country needs. Keep up the good work.

A Loyal Fan,

Jerry Shedlousky
Columbia, SC


Dear Jerry,

You're right that I no longer use the derogatory term "puppies" to refer to the female garbonza, and I have you to thank for that. In the future, all women's breasts will be called "tits."

Joe BobJoe Bob,

Can you help me find this movie, um, it has that one guy in it, and I can't remember the title, or what it's about, or who's in it, but it was in the theatres. Do you know the one I mean?

Betsey Sue


Dear Betsey Sue,

That's an easy one. You're trying to locate "Close For the Winter," which plays year after year at many drive-ins.

Joe Bob



Joe Bob,

What type of "show" do you do for conventions? Questions and answers? Maybe a collection of bad movie clips narrated by you??

I was just wondering if you were coming to any conventions in Florida?

Dawn Smith-Webber 
Cocoa, FL 

Dear Dawn,

I do very few conventions. I've probably performed at fewer than ten conventions in my whole career. My material is a little too "out there" for most convention audiences. So I don't have any Florida plans right now. Why do you ask?

Joe Bob


Joe Bob,

RE: Where are you?????

What happened? You're not doing MonsterVision anymore??? Wouldn't they let you even say goodbye??? Nothing but a "Goodbye Joebob" on the MonsterVision website???? PLEASE tell me you're gonna have another late night show I can look forward to coming home to watch after werk??!

Don Hampton

Dear Don,

Well, bud, I'm sure I'll have another show, but it's gonna take a while. It's been less than a month since I left the air! And no, for some reason they didn't wanna do a farewell show. If you wanna read about it, check out all the letters on the website.

Joe Bob



Dear Joe Bob,

Whar the hell air ya. My wife and I are huge fans, my wife is a huge B-movie slasher fan. We haven't seen you for a while, what's the deal?

Nick & Dianne
Albuquerque, NM

Dear Nick and Dianne,

Well, the short version is: they canned me. If you want more deetails, go to my website and read all the letters. I've answered these questions so many times that I don't wanna go over the whole story, but TNT is basically fed up with my kinda show.

Joe Bob



Joe Bob,

Where are you? You certainly don't seem to be on TNT anymore, so something must have happened. Where are you?

My life is officially in shambles.

Dan Davidson
Oklahoma City, OK


Dear Dan,

I'm cooling my heels in Grapevine, after getting EJECTED from the building! You can read all about it by going through all the letters on my website.

Joe Bob



Honorable Joe Bob Briggs,

Anent the breakup with TNT, Ted Turner once fired his own son so his compassion doesn't extend to anyone who doesn't live in a rain forest. At least you don't have to pay them alimony and I don't have to stay up until Sunrise Sermon to catch your joke of the week.

Am certain that a talent as immense as yours will not remain dormant for long and you'll soon host a Drive-In Theater. So I'd like to humbly submit my list of The Top Ten Drive-In Movies:

Number 1. "Ilsa She Wolf of the SS" With hooters like that how did the Nazis lose the war?

Number 2. "I Spit on Your Grave" Kind of like "Deliverance" with someone more interesting than Ned Beatty being forced to squeal like a pig.

Number 3. "Big Bad Mama" After seeing this I know why JFK picked Angie Dickinson to massage his aching back.

Number 4. "Bad Girls Go To Hell" Never seen it but can't resist the title.

Number 5. "Nude for Satan" Another irresistible title. But this one I've seen. Turn off the subtitles and switch the spoken language to Italian for maximum enjoyment. It features a giant spider web that looks suspiciously like a soccer net and Old Scratch looks like Richard Simmons in a leisure suit.

Number 6. "Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death" Bill Maher before he became politically correct.

Number 7. "Amazon Women on the Moon" You'll have to explain this one to me.

Number 8. "Creature From the Black Lagoon" Julie Adams and some guy in a rubber suit.

Number 9. "Showgirls" My idea of heaven.

Number 10. "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" Joe Bob Briggs' answer to "Gone With the Wind".

Let me know if you need beer money or somebody beaten up.

Tom Brewer
Stone Mountain, GA

Dear Tom,

A very ECLECTIC list you have there.

It wasn't Ted. It was Ted's minions. Ted has gone too far up the elevator, and that's part of the problem around that place.

Joe Bob



Hey man, 

Are you EEEEVER going to come back on TV You were the only one who man Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factor interesting to watch!

Your Fan,
C. Stewart


Dear C.,

First everyone was amazed that I was hosting "Willy Wonka," and now everyone wants me to host it AGAIN!

Joe Bob



Joe Bob,

Saturday nights just aren't the same without your show. I have a job where most Saturday Nights I get off work about 12AM. I looked forward to coming home and watching your show (and then taping the rest when I got to sleepy). 

Anyway I had two questions

1. Any plans to move to another network? I think the SCI FI channel would be an excellent choice. They have tons of B movies for you. 

2. I'm a college sophomore and I will be voting for the first time in the upcoming presidential elections. Since you are from Texas I thought I'd ask your opinion on George W. Bush. And while I'm at it what do you think of Gore?

Thanks for taking the time to read my letter and I hope to see you on TV again soon,

Scott

Dear Scott,

You're the first person that's asked me about this goddamned Soviet-style election we're having. I think we've got two choices. We can stay home, go fishing, or register a protest vote to basically say that we won't be herded to the polls like kulaks in Siberia. Or we can vote for Gore as a way to limit the power of the arrogant billionaires who have bought the Congress, the courts and the media. Both of them are ultimately acts of futility, but it's important to shake your fist every once in a while, even when they've got you locked down in Sing Sing.

Joe Bob




Dear Joe Bob,

Two pressing matters:

1) Will you ever make the name-change official, since the world already knows you as the supreme drive-in movie critic "Joe Bob Briggs" anyway?

2) Is there any chance you can put that great music video of yours ("Tearin'  the Heart  Out of Saturday Night") on the website? I would love to download that. Or is it property of the TNT pigdogs? 

Best wishes,
Jamie Sundin 


PS
I'm writing this at 1:30 Sunday morning, when I would normally be in the midst of a several-hour run of Monstervision. That, er, network has not soiled my picture tube for a single minute since your departure. F' you Turner!! Joe Bob lives!


Dear Jamie,

Well, to tell you the truth, I don't really LIKE that video that much. Certainly not enough to actually deal with a Turner Network LAWYER.  (Shudder.)  And as to the name change, don't you like a little wrestling-style confusion here and there?

Joe Bob

Dear Joe Bob,

What's up, Joe Bob? Seen any good flicks lately?

Dreadnaht1

Dear Dreadnaht1,

"Coyote Ugly" deserves whatever happens to it. They stole my joke!

Joe Bob

Joe Bob,

I'm so glad that you're finally telling everybody to check the letters page instead of explaining it all for the umpteenth time. I was just about to let you know that it was okay to do that, when you do. But then you go and archive all those letters anyway...

So, you've written a bunch of books. Why are they almost all out of print?

Will any of them ever come back in print? Why haven't you written a book since 1990? Do you want to write another book? Are you writing another book? Why don't you start one now? Since you no longer have to explain to everybody why you're not on TNT, you have lots of extra time.

And what the heck was going on with your hair in 1990?

FYI, I input your name in the "Glam Name Generator," it's Ginchy Sparklepowder. Your "Professor Poopypants Name" (I don't want to ask either)  is Poopsie Toiletfanny. Yes, I do think you needed to know this.

You also need to rescue Bruce Campbell from "Jack of All Trades." Maybe a "Night Stalker" type show with you two as Supernatural Investigator Brothers...No, you're not Supernatural, what you investigate is. Well, maybe  you should be Ghost Supernatural Investigator Brothers...

Awaiting your TV return with bated breath (well, okay, I can only do that about 30 seconds...),

Ursuline Lebravski


Dear Ursuline,

In 1990, I was modelling my entire life, including my haircut, after Rick James.

I'll call up Bruce Campbell and tell him I think I should ride on the coattails of his exploding career. Good idea!

All my best,

Joe Bob

Hi Joe Bob,


I'm glad to hear that you will be putting up transcripts from your old Movie Channel/TNT shows up on the website. I haven't had cable for quite a while, so I never really got to see Monstervision, but I'm sorry about what happened there just the same. Well, I'm sure something bigger and better is in the works, lurking just around the corner. 


I watched that old Roger Corman classic "Last Woman on Earth" last weekend.  I think I taped it off one of the local telveision stations here in Dallas about 14 years ago. I really enjoyed the hipster jazz score that ran throughout the film. The ending seems a little donwbeat though. Anyway, this got me to wondering about Betsy Jones-Moreland, so I 
the IMDB and saw that after making "Creature From the Haunted Sea," she didn't find another acceptable movie role until "The Hindenberg" came along 14 years later! Then in the early '90's it looks like she had been typecast as a judge in a string of Perry Mason movies. Of course, things aren't always as they appear so she probably kept plenty busy in the interval.


I also watched "The Maze" and "Red Planet Mars" with Peter Graves. That last one is a nice cold war sci-fi flick (though a little far-fetched at times). Next up: "Monster From Green Hell" with Jim Davis. It's no "From Hell It Came" but it'll do. 

Still a drive-in kind of guy,

John Alford
Carrollton, TX


Dear John,

Did someone slip you a Fifties Mickey? That's quite a list, if you're watching them all in succession.

Joe Bob

Hey Joe Bob, 

My wife and I have watched your program for years on Monstervision. I can't believe that TNT would dump you like that. We loved watching the B-flicks and hearing your commentaries. Any chance you'd do another show of a similar format on TV? We signed up for your snail mail, and look forward to it. 

Wish you the best, 

J.C. & Kathleen Bell 
Arizona 

Dear J.C. and Kathleen, 

There's an excellent chance that I'll soon be doing a similar program in a place that appreciates this type of programming much more. Thanks so much for the kind words, guys. 

Hang in there, 

Joe Bob 

Hi, 

This isn't concerning your life or anything but i was just wandering if you could play Night of the Demons for me on monstervision?? i have looked for the site to make this type of e-mail but despite my efforts i couldn't find one. i would like one more request and that is to inform me when and if you will play that movie for me. 

Thank You:

Silverdawn6


Dear Silverdawn6,

Well, normally I would do anything to get that movie on for you, but I no longer have any control over "MonsterVision," hon. I'll do the next best thing. Here's my review of "Night of the Demons," one of the quirky eighties classics . . .

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (1989): From the makers of "Witchboard," your basic Spam-in-a-cabin plot about some California nerdsters who use "party" as a verb and think it'd be fun to pop brewskis in an abandoned funeral parlor built on an ancient Indian burial ground where 17 or 18 people have died horrible grisly deaths, including one Indian brave who was found "gnawing on a papoose."  (Probably choked to death on the leather.) Pretty soon the cast starts turning into sex-crazed grasshopper-head "Solid Gold" dancers, especially Angela, who wriggles around on the floor like Tina Turner while her body forms into a toad-monster. And, of course, everyone who enjoys sex MUST DIE. Eight breasts. Eight dead bodies. Seven undead bodies. Giant katydid breather monster.  Demon disco dancing with strobe. Closeup eyeball-gouging. Deadly neck-twisting. Mooning. Aardvarking in a coffin. Heart-staking. Demon roasting. Head rolls. Arm rolls. Tongue rolls. Gratuitous dead-rat dangling. Seance Fu. Demon Fu. Flamethrower Fu. Crematorium Fu. Razorblades-in-an-apple Fu. With Mimi Kinkade as Angela, who does a Stevie Nicks dance routine as a demon-possessed sex monster, Linnea Quigley as Suzanne the demon in a pink tutu hiked up to here (she seduces a fat guy by saying "Maybe I'm in the mood for pork tonight"), Hal Havins as the obnoxious fat guy necessary to the plot of every horror movie ("I can't LIVE without my music"), Alvin Alexis as the terrified son of a preacher ("We're dead--we've all died and gone to hell").   Special credit to writer Joe Augustyn for the line "Would you like a fudge log?" Two and a half stars.

Joe Bob

Yo, 

What's up Joe Bob? I was wondering if there was any way that you could get some of the "Witchcraft" flicks shown on Monster Vision? I'd like to see "Witchcraft VI" or "Witchcraft XI" if you can show them, it would be
really cool.

Later, 
RoNN

PS: Try to sneak in a few boob shots....lol. 

Dear Ronn,

I'd love to show the "Witchcraft" flicks on "MonsterVision," especially the ones featuring my personal friend and superbabe Stephanie Beaton, but I no longer have any control over "MonsterVision," because . . . they fired me! 

Joe Bob




Hello Joe Bob!

What would happen if you put all the material from the first two Drive In books and the Ultimate B movie stuff all into one humongous book?  Would that be bad for fans that already have the previous books, or would there be enough new fans to warrant the new book? Or would it just be too big? 

When you put out a new book, do you promote it by going on the talk shows, and would you advertise those appearances on the website? 

Mike Hayne

Dear Mike,

Well, the Ultimate B Movie Guidebook is pretty much going to include all of the drive-in reviews, plus all of the reviews I've done on television, plus many reviews that have never been published or aired. The two previous "drive-In" books were reprints of MOST of the columns from 1982 to 1986. There are many many more columns that were never collected at all. So I could do a third and even a fourth drive-in book that wouldn't conflict with the B Movie Guidebook, because the drive-in columns had a lot of material that weren't part of theactual movie review. Are you following this? Good, because I'm not.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob


Dear Joe Bob,

What the hell is up with TNT sneaking you off the air? What's going on?  Will your loyal fans be able to find you in another venue?

Stupid goddamn TNT.

Sincerely,

Larry Cooper
Lowell, Arkansas

PS -- Who should I write to at TNT to complain?

Dear Larry,

That's a good way to put it. They did sneak me off the air, didn't they? A lot of people have asked me who to write to, but I tell them not to waste their time. It didn't work for "Star Trek," so it's sure as hell not gonna work for me.

And yes, I'll be back on TV, and the best way to find out when and where is to check the website.

Joe Bob




Joe Bob,

You still check this?

I heard there was a connection between you and "something weird" video...is this true???

I live in Dallas, and am an aspiring B-movie maker, having already filmed "Battle of the Bastards"...sequel coming soon.


-Chad "Viva Tejas" Ballew
Dallas, TX


Dear Chad,

Well, I once hosted Herschell Gordon Lewis's "Something Weird" as part of my video series, "The Sleaziest Movies in the History of the World." But I don't really have much to do with the video company per se.  I've reviewed a few and ordered a few.

How in the world did I miss "Battle of the Bastards"?

Hang in there,

Joe Bob



Joe Bob

I think you are the most handsome man I've seen in a long time.

Melvin James


Dear Melvin,

Have you seen many men lately?

Joe Bob


Joe Bob,

Are we still in the good ol' US of A? Can this really be happening?

Chris

New Ohio state law requires five-day waiting period for buying beer (really!)

WASHINGTON, DC -- A new law in Ohio that requires a five-day waiting period before buying beer -- yes, you read that correctly -- has Libertarians wondering: How Lowenbrau can politicians go?

"This is the worst idea since Billy Beer," said Libertarian Party press secretary George Getz. "We don't want to Harp on this, but beer-lovers everywhere will be sadder, Budweiser, when they hear that politicians in Ohio plan to treat every drinker like a criminal."

On Wednesday, August 9, a new Ohio law will require anyone buying five or more kegs of beer to fill out a form with the Ohio Department of Public Safety, and then wait five days before picking up the beer.

The law, dubbed "Five in Five," also gives law enforcement the right to search the site of a beer party without first obtaining a search warrant.

Several other states -- including Iowa, New Hampshire, Kansas, and Pennsylvania -- have similar laws or are considering similar legislation, according to Fox News. And Maryland requires all kegs of beer to be registered with the state government.

Politicians said such laws are necessary because some keg parties have become violent -- but Libertarians said this kind of "Nanny State" regulation just Foster's more disrespect for the law.

"Even the most Mooseheaded politician admits these laws will have little effect, since people can just buy four kegs at a time at different locations, or buy beer by the case," said Getz.

"The kind of irresponsible people who hold out-of-control parties are the same people who will casuallycircumvent this law, while law-abiding, responsible people will be inconvenienced. It shouldn't take a Pabst Blue Ribbon panel to figure that out."

The Ohio law is especially disturbing because it requires people to give up their Constitutional protectionsagainst unreasonable search, he said.

"The Fourth Amendment shouldn't be revoked simply because you want to have a wedding party, or a family reunion, or a neighborhood block party that includes kegs of beer," said Getz. "America's FoundingFathers like Sam Adams would never have stood for such a law."

Instead of targeting everyone, the police should focus just on those irresponsible drinkers who commit crimes, he said.

"If law-abiding adults are enjoying a legal beverage and behaving responsibly, they should not have to worry that police will suddenly show up and demand to search the place," said Getz. "Law-abiding people should notbe treated like drunken criminals."

Ohio residents should contact their legislators and demand the repeal of this law, he said -- before it foams over to other states.

"This is a Busch-league law, and it needs to be repealed," said Getz. "This is a Molsen Golden opportunity for Ohio residents to stand up for liberty."


Dear Chris,

This is the most outrageous thing since California outlawed Happy Hour and beer by the pitcher. How did they arrive at the five-keg rule?  What if you just ordered four kegs and then called an hour later and said,  "Whoops! I guess we were thirstier than we thought. Could you send over four more?" That's what I would do, especially for little intimate gatherings at home where you probably wouldn't need more than 12 kegs forthe entire evening.

Thanks for the alert, man.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob


Dear Joe Bob,

We are devastated to hear about your firing from TNT! They are still showing reruns of your show here in the Birmingham area so make sure you get your royalties or whatever! Where can we see you now or read anyarticles that you might have? Don't worry--TNT will soon see the error of their ways and beg you to comeback! We have got up a PETITION and sent it to TNT! So any day now they will be calling you and begging you back!  Keep in touch with us and let us know what you will be doing in the future as we are worried about you! Thank you for the picture and the signing of it and the note! As far as we are concerned, you are a comic genius and it is stupid of TNT not to realize this!

Sincerely,

Linda & Sip Watters
Birmingham, Ala.

Dear Linda and Sip,

TV networks never see the error of their ways, because they never have enough a way to err from. You'll notice that, even if they're lucky enough to build up the most successful programming night in television history, they'll find some way to screw it up.

But thanks so much for the sentiment. I'll let you know as soon as I get a job.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

RE: Bob Burns (Who?)

Bob is a man in LA, who'd collected SOOOO MANY real tv and movie fantasy props and costumes, he turned his house into a museum. NOT a mansion ala Forrey Ackerman but LOTS of stuff. He was Bob Blaisdel's assistant and they did effects and costumes for INVASION OF THE SAUCERMEN, THIS ISLAND EARTH, THE SHE CREATURE and others. Bob had been one of those Gorilla suit men, starring as TRACY the ape in THE ORIGINAL "Ghost Busters" when it was a Sat Morning TV series, circa 1974 I think it was w Larry Storch and Forest Tucker. Bob was also featured in SCI FI Channel's SCI FI BUZZ................ 'Bob's Basement' segments. HE owns the ORIGINAL PAL Time Machine prop as well. Anyway, he has had an official site that w lots of cool links too that can't be accessed now. Just wondered if they paid their bill/s over there? 

Larry Smith
Santa Maria, CA

Larry,

Okay, there are two Bob Burns. This Bob Burns is the one who has a new book, "It Came From Bob's Basement." The other Bob Burns was the art director on "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre" and several other B movies.  Oddly enough, he has an equally large collection of movie memorabilia and is also the same sort of packrat. Kinda Twilight-Zoney, don't ya think?

Hang in there,

Joe Bob




Joe Bob,

Where can we see your face again? Are you really a clone of Norm McDonald??

Please respond.

E.M. Carey

Dear E.M.,

You can see me every day at 9:30 a.m. in the bread line at the Full Gospel Mission in downtown East St. Louis. I impersonate Norm MacDonald and people give me quarters.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob




hey joe bob, 

sorry you got canned. i hope you get picked up with a new network. it figures i finally won a monstervision shirt the same week you got fired. my favorite flick you showed was "the legend of boggy creek". if you do a new show somewhere please show it and some of its sequels, i think there are like 3 or 4 by different companies. and you should do a remote broadcast from fouke. that would be cooler than a dead woman on her honeymoon. anyway your my hero, im looking for a nice camping trailer to live in. i hope it will hold all of my comics, pez and my horror movies. anyway stay cool, im now boycotting tnt. 

your #1 fan (scary ain't it?)
danny pace


Dear Danny,

Great minds think alike. I always wanted to do a remote broadcast from Fouke, Arkansas, home of the Boggy Creek monster, but somehow the TNT high sheriffs could never see the beauty of my inspiration.

Joe Bob





Hello Joe Bob,

Okay, so you may be trying to live down that singing bug-zapper light vid, but it's so delightfully terrible. 

TOO funny! I thought I was the only person who used the term propaganda. I worked in Russia for a number of years writing TV and radio shows, everything had to be run by the Ministers of Decency to make sure all my jokes were suitable for Rooskies. Guess they couldn't trust such a young Western Capitalist Pig Whippersnapper like me. What a joke THEY were.

Last week I had to present one of my marketing campaigns to the president of Sprint along with his "lead team" of vice presidents. I was terribly nervous as they're not a terribly jolly crew. So as not to show my nervousness, I launched into a fairly comedic monologue that didn't seem to thaw the prez's emotions. I muttered, "Jeesh, I feel like Joe Bob Briggs defending MonsterVision Drive-In to Ted Turner and TNT execs." The Senior VP of Sales burst out laughing and said, "I LOVE Joe Bob Briggs! I've got his book, 'Iron Joe Bob', he's hilarious." He went on at some length, so I thought for sure I was going to tank that preso with this diversion, but all went well, and I've received my significant raise.

Laura Mildon
Houston, TX

Dear Laura,

Are you kidding? You're kidding, right? I'm still trying to live that thing down!

As to the video, TNT owns it and I'm sure they would NOT give it to me!

All my best,

Joe Bob




Hey Joe,

Attila here from HorrorMovies.com. Sorry to see you end your tenure with Monstervision. You will surely be missed.

I want to post this news in the Newsvine section of HorrorMovies.com and wanted to know if there was anything specific you'd like say to the HorrorMovies.com audience. I will also create a Joe Bob section at the  same time in our People section of HorrorSearch with links to your web site and other relevant pages.

Hope all is well,
Attila Juhasz
www.HorrorMovies.com

Dear Attila,

Well, I'm pretty much talked out on this particular subject, but there are a bunch of letters about it in this section of my website. 

All my best,

Joe Bob



Joe Bob:

Just got I think the LAST copy of IRON JOE BOB from B&N bookstore (had to order it but they came through) and I LOVE IT. Great stuff man. Now I have to look around for all your outta print books! You are perhaps the best philosopher alive.

Ya know, I am betting $5 that TNT will just eventually cancel MONSTERVISION and TOTALLY WEIRD altogether. I notice there ain't much listed beyond August, in fact: nothing, and I also notice they're alternating WEIRD with MONSTERVISION each week now. And their website for Monstervision is gettin' lots less informative. First they ax you and now, whatever was left of the good ol' days of old monster/weird flix. I guess they need the timeslots to show more "encore performances" of their latest wannabe HBO film, or at least an upteenth showing of LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN, SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION,etc...

Hey, our Rustic Drive In up here in Rhode Island has to turn folks away on weekends they are so packed, it's awesome to see a Drive In doin' so well. Just  figured you'd like to know. 

Bests

Bob Eggleton
Providence RI

Dear Bob,

What are you telling me? Now "Iron Joe Bob" is out of print, too?  Well, I'm glad to hear that the drive-in is doing better than MY CAREER. Thanks for cheering me WAY up, pal.

Only kidding.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob



Mr. Bloom,

I hear there's a trend to develop classic drive-in movies into TV series. I looked into it a found out about the new Fall schedule. 

On the Lifetime Channel you'll be seeing a new show about male/female relationships called "Men Are Invaders From Mars," "Women are from Venus."

The Health Network has developed a program about a bulimic cemetery worker called "I Spit Up On Your Grave."

The Sci-Fi Channel is already promoting a new series about a Norman Bates-type character who only thinks he's a killer called "Psycho-somatic."

I could go on all night but I have to get up early for work. 

Waiting for Joe Bob to get back on the air, 

Tim O'Rawe
Palm Beach Gardens, FL

Dear Tim,

And let's hope it's sooner rather than later.

Preciate it,

Joe Bob




Dear Joe Bob,
I started to watch Monster Vision a week ago, when you had the "Exorcist" on, & you weren't there! I didn't watch the whole movie because I've seen it so many times & you weren't there. Every Saturday night I watch your stupid movies because I just love watching & hearing you. I have cable TV & receive your program on TNT.  Well, my TV went out 5 days ago &, of course, I couldn't watch your show, but one of my neighbors, Bob, said you weren't on last night either, (The Black Hole). He's a shut-in. He has M.S. & we both look so forward to seeing you each Saturday evening.  The reason I'm taking the time to write this letter is, please don't leave Monster Vision. Bob & I agree, that it just isn't Saturday night without you--So, come back!

Sincerely,

Catherine Lake
Manton, CA

P.S. I don't even care that you're a "Male Chauvinist Pig"! HA!

Dear Catherine,

Please go next door and tell Bob that they FIRED me! It wasn't my fault! Between the two of you, I feel TERRIBLE. What are you trying to do to me?  As soon as I find a new home, I'll let you know!
Hang in there,

Joe Bob



Hey JoeBob

Major Bummer that MonsterVision is coming to an end. You really had a heck of a show.

Question: Is "Rusty" going to be on you new website, or will she have one of her own (I thought her real name was "Renna," and not "Sharon")?

Also, when was her Birthday?

-Phillippi.

Dear Phillippi,

Renner St. John, formerly known as Renner Wesolowski, also known as Rusty the Mail Girl, briefly incarnated on the "MonsterVision" website as "Sharon," is living in Southern California and pursuing her acting career. Sadly, there is no way to deliver Internet mail in spiked high heels.

I don't think you're gonna be able to pry Renner's birthday out of her.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

Joe Bob,

Yes, it's me again. (I know, I really need to get a life). But picture this: Series premiere of "Joe Bob's Variety show." Musical guest is Snoop Doggy Dogg. After Snoop, your celebrity guest is Abraham Lincoln. (Stay with me here). I think it could go something like this: 

JOE BOB: Mr. Lincoln, thank you for coming by.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: It's my pleasure Joe Bob. By the way, I loved that performance by Snoop Doggy Dogg. 

JOE BOB: Really. You and Mrs. Lincoln are fans of Snoop?

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: Oh yes, big time. Mary and I spent many a night during the civil war getting jiggy to the Snoopster. 

JOE BOB: I don't think I've ever heard a president say "jiggy" before. So, how have you been Mr. President?

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: I've been dead !

JOE BOB: Right. You were shot by John Wilkes Boothe at the Ford Theater.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: Mary had to go see a play. Wanted more culture in our lives. I needed more culture like I needed a hole in the head. 

Well, it could happen. Hang in there,

Tim O'Rawe
Palm Beach Gardens, FL

Dear Tim,

I'm taking it to Fox, first thing Monday morning.

Joe Bob

Joe Bob,

Sounds great. You won't forget me, will you?

Seriously Mr. Bloom, (John, if I may be so bold), I think its very cool you answer your own e-mail, and surprising. I'm truly impressed. I really thought someone of your stature would have lackeys doing it for him. But I'm glad that's not the case.

How's the script coming? I sincerely hope Joe Bob's back on the air soon.

Tim O'Rawe
Palm Beach Gardens, FL




Dear Joe Bob,

I'm on a quest to make the perfect Margarita, but I can't get it right. Is Margarita mix bad? What are the best ingredients? I need to know how to make it for this summer, so please help!

Beth A. Ellis

Beth,

Okay, first of all a Margarita should only be drunk one way--on the rocks. If you want it frozen, please buy a sombrero to wear while you're drinking it.

Secondly, they've started watering down the Tequila, now that it's becoming so popular in the states. Make sure you're poring Tequila that's been aged at least two years and is at least 80 proof.

Third, a Margarita is one of the few drinks that you need to shake really really hard. That's because the ingredients don't naturally gel together.

Finally, a Margarita only has three ingredients: one ounce of Tequila, one-half ounce of triple sec, and the juice from one-half lime.

You need to squeeze the lime with your fingers right before you make the drink. If you put any kind of pre-mixed lime juice in there, you should be blindfolded, given a cigarette, and shot.

Shake it all up with ice cubes. Make sure the glass is really really cold. The correct glass is a saucer champagne glass, which means a champagne glass with a really wide mouth and a thick stem. Rim the glass with salt, of course. The Margarita always has a salt rim. These people who order it without salt should be stuffed head first into the muck of the Rio Grande. Now strain everything into the chilled salted glass.

If you're gonna drink it quickly, you won't even need the ice cubes.

Yummy.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob




Dear Joe Bob,

I loved what you had to say about the rights of homosexuals when it comes to marriage. I have several gay friends, and frequent a chat for gay Christians (and their straight friends). As I've had to live my life in Waco, I'm extremely pleased to see a Texas boy with some sense once in a while. 

Will miss seeing you on Sat. nights on TNT.

Kathy M
Waco, TX


Kathy,

Hey, careful what you say bout Waco! I got deep roots there!  Actually, Waco is the site of one of the most famous episodes in Texas gay history. In 1957, a ballroom in a downtown Waco hotel was booked for a top-secret gay marriage between a Dallas employee of Neiman-Marcus and a Houston employee of Foley's. All the most influential gays in the state gathered for what was intended to be the last place anyone would expect, so that no one would get "outed," with attendant loss of jobs, etc.

What they didn't count on was the famous tornado of that year, which ripped the roof off the hotel, blew out all the windows in the ballroom, knocked the chandelier down, and sending everyone fleeing in terror. Fortunately, by the time news cameras arrived, all that was left was a giant cake in the shape of a penis. The reporter on the scene, from WFAA Channel 8 in Dallas, is today a pretty well known director of B movies, and I like to think that little episode somehow influenced his artistic vision.

All my best,

Joe Bob




Joe Bob -
Thanks for making me laugh out loud and nearly waking up the kids over the past 5 years! I always looked forward to commercial breaks on Monstervision and the jokes (which I stole and told to unsuspecting co-workers). In a world full of fruits you're the top banana.

SO, why did you leave the TNT empire? Uh, if it involves lawyers and sheep maybe I don't wanna know.

Are you gonna have another show?

People have asked me what's our purpose; why are we here? The answer is simple. To glorify God. We do this when we help others, show them love, and make them happy. You have a talent for making us smile and laugh out loud, Thanks for sharing it with us!

Kerry Hopkins


Dear Kerry,

I didn't touch the sheep. The sheep was wearing a raincoat and acting suspicious long before I showed up.

All my best,

Joe Bob





Dear Joe-Bob,
The first time I saw you on Monstervision was the Halloween Marathon of 1998.    I remember like it was yesterday. It only took one dose of  Monstervision's  Host to get me hooked on the show and ever since I've been an obedient viewer. Sorry to hear that both your hosting on Monstervision just got canned but your segment on The Daily Show (with Jon Stewart) got it as well.  Not a good month or year for Joe-Bob and his fans. What are you going to do next? I'll be checking back frequently to see what your up to. Oh, yeah. 

When's your last Monstervision?

Best of luck, Joe-Bob!

Tyler Stricker 
Wappingers Falls, NY

Dear Tyler,

I'm just dropping like flies, aren't I?

Joe Bob




Say It Ain't So Joe!!!!!!!

Tell me you haven't heard that one before.....

Just found out you are leaving MonsterVision Theatre.... Yeah, I know, What rock did I just crawl out from under.....

I'm a body Painter (read that, People painter) in South Carolina and didn't get to watch your show as often as I liked but caught it whenever the hotel my wife and I were in gave us access to TNT.

You will be sorely missed... by my wife and myself both.... we will think of you often as our paint brushes and air brushes caress the flesh of beautifully tanned and shapely women..... As they disrobe before us, giving us there bodies for to use as a living canvas......

Please tell us where we might find you for future viewings...????

You will be missed....

Max and Karen Parker

Dear Max and Karen,

Lemme get this straight. You spend your whole life in motels attached to Miss Hawaiian Tropic contests? That's SICK.

Can I come?


Joe Bob





Joe Bob:

In answer to a question one of your letter writers asked, Yes, there was a movie called "Royal Flash" with Malcolm McDowell, and it was put out on video (I actually saw it on cable several months ago). It also starred Oliver Reed as the evil German Baron. It was a so-so movie, not all that funny or  outlandish, so it probably went nowhere. Too bad. It's a good book series.

Take care.
Barry Porter
Garden Grove, CA

Dear Barry,

Well, isn't that kinda six-degrees-ish. Thanks for the info, bud.


Joe Bob




Joe Bob,

Haven't seen you on tv lately. What's up?

Shereek
Dallas, Texas

Dear Shereek,

TNT is ancient history.

Joe Bob





Hi,

My name is Alex and I am 7 years old and I live in Alpine, Texas. How come you ain't on the TV no more? You are my favorite TV personality and I wish you were still on Monstervision so I could have fun watching you. Please let me know where I will be ble to see you on TV. 

Thanks,
Your friend,
Alex Novosad
Alpine, Texas

Dear Alex,

You type pretty dang good for a seven-year-old. And how were you staying up that late in the first place? (Don't worry, I won't tell.)

Preciate the support, bud. Just as soon as I get a new gig I'll let you know. Check out my website and I'll have all the updates on there.


Joe Bob


Hi Joe Bob,

I can type a little bit, but my Dad had to help me type the letter since I'm only seven. My Mom and Dad let me stay up late whenever it's not a school night. School doesn't start until next week in Alpine. My Dad is gonna help me look at your website and I'll be looking forward to getting stuff in the mail from you. Let me know when you'll be near Alpine, Texas.

Alex Novosad
Alpine, TX

joe bob,

We are wondering what happened at monstervision... We really miss you..
It's just not the same... :(

luis ilano

Dear Luis,

Well, I got fired. If you go to www.joebobbriggs.com and read all the letters, you'll have a pretty good overall view of the situation, but if you still have questions after that, I'll be here!


Joe Bob


Joe Bob,

I asked TNT why you haven't been on for the past few weeks and they told me that monstervision was on so late that they no longer needed a host.   Bullshit. I remember when you hosted two movies a night. They can't do this. You tell me which high sheriff we need to shoot and I will make this all better. You are my hero, Joe Bob. My copy of "Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" has a broken spine. You're the closest thing I have to a prophet. 

I've watched your show for years. You're the highlight of my Saturday nights. Joe Bob, I need you. The God Talk thing on The Daily Show is great, but it's so short. I don't want to be forced to write a "Dear Ted" letter.

I'll kick Ted's ass if that's what it takes. Man, I can't take this.

Distraught and Infuriated,

Ray Gibson
Hollywood, FL

Dear Ray,

Are you telling me that somebody at TNT is STILL making statements about the whole deal? I wish they would just stop trying to explain it. I have.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob




Hey Joe Bob!

Sorry to hear of your television demise! But I'm glad you are still around to grace us with that rapier wit.  Enough sucking up. I'll get to the point. I caught Casino on cable the other day and your stellar performance. It made me wonder if and when we would find you emoting on the big screen any time soon.   Also, I recall reading something about you working on a screenplay about the life of Ambrose Bierce. Being a fan of both him and you, I was excited at the idea of a combo! 

-Michelle Hamilton


Dear Michelle,

The Ambrose Bierce project is actually a play, a one-man show.  There was already a terrible movie about Bierce called "The Old Gringo." I don't even agree with the premise of that movie, so my project is totally different.

Thanks for asking, though. 

All my best,

Joe Bob




Joe Bob, 

You were great in 'Evil Dead II' and 'Crimewave.' Keep up the good work.

Omar Khalid
Atlanta, GA

Dear Omar,

Uh, yeah, okay, thanks, man.

All the best,

Joe Bob




Hey Joe Bob:

Just heard that you're no longer hosting "Monstervision." Crikey! First "The Joe Bob Report" goes away, then your column, and now your TNT show.  It seems like The Man is keeping you down just like O.J. (hah hah!) Anyway, love your website, and wish you the best. Please come back in some form soon. You were, and still are, the only movie critic who tells it like it is. I remember reading your review of "Mutant" when I was 10 years old and you described the monster as "hamburger helper with teeth," and when I saw the movie, you were right! And you didn't use terms like "mise-en-scene" or "post-modern." Hey, here's an idea, do ya think you could take Gene Siskel's vacant seat next to Roger Ebert? Forget the movie theater set, you and Ebert could drink a few cold ones in the trailer.

Best wishes 

Sean Whitley, Former Member of the Ultra Low-Budget Committee for "The Joe Bob Report," 
Dallas, TX


Dear Sean,

I was recently discussing the mise-en-scene of Marcia Clark with . . .

Whoops! Sorry.

Hey, you're talking about me like I'm dead! I'm only on life-support.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob




Hey, Joe Bob: 

Sorry, didn't mean to make it sound like you died. History has proven that much like Jason Voorhees, you can't die. They may THINK they killed you, but then you rise back up again.

Love the new website, and especially like the fact that you've created a book club to counter that ghoulish one of Oprah's. My wife asked me to read one of Oprah's books months ago, to counter the trashy fiction and True Crime books that I read, and I agreed. I shouldn't have. The book, "She's Come Undone" was by far the scariest thing that I ever read I still wake up at night shaking from it.

Anyway, was happy to see that you are touting such weird books as "Field Guide to Sasquatch, etc." Since Hollywood seems to have ignored the Killer Bigfoot" genre of the 70's, I'd like to ask you which killer Bigfoot movie you prefer: "The Legend of Boggy Creek" or "The Creature From Black Lake?" Personally, I've got to go with "Boggy Creek."

Finally, have you read any of Doug Swanson's books? He's written a series about a detective in Dallas that is hilarious. The first one is titled "Big Town," and yes, it is in reference to the barely alive mall in Mesquite.  His new book, "House of Corrections," is due out this week.

Thanks and best wishes
Sean Whitley
Dallas, TX



Hi Mr. Bob,

I am writing to you to ask you about a few movies. I know that you are leaving Turner so I want to catch you ASAP. Remember your "Summer School" session on Planet of the Apes? Well, for some strange reason you only showed parts 1 and 3. What happened to parts 2 and 4? I can't find them at any movie rental store. Do they REALLY exist? If so, how can I get my hands on those movies? They are a MUST for me to see if I am to truly understand the "Ape theme".

Secondly, where might I find the movie 1984, based on the book by the same name? (Orson Wells?) An English teacher at my school (with whom I work) said that there WAS such a movie. I've read the book so now I want to see the movie product.

I live in Chesterfield, Virginia if that helps. I WILL pay to get these movies.

Thank you very much,


Ma'asehyahu Isra-Ul
Chesterfield, VA

Dear Ma'asehyahu,

Well, those are all pretty easy to find. Everybody hated the "1984" that came out IN 1984, but it was based on a novel by George Orwell, not Orson Welles, and it was still better than theinfamous TNT movie version of Orwell's other famous novel, "Animal Farm." As the to "Ape" movies, we actually showed four of the five. The only one we didn't show was the second one, and I'm not sure why. It doesn't seem to be as prevalent as the others. But you can get all these movies from Movies Unlimited. Good luck!

Hang in there,

Joe Bob




Hello, 
I am writing you from Movie Madness in Portland, OR. We are looking for a copy of "Eat The Sun", and I figured you might be able to point us in the right direction.

Thank you,
EDDIE WRETCH
Portland, OR

Dear Eddie,

I don't know offhand where to find "Eat the Sun," but I'll spread the word among my fellow drive-in mutants and I'm sure one of them will come up with the answer.

Joe Bob


hello joe bob briggs 

ive just wanted to say that i love your show ive watched you for 10 years and im a devoted to your shows keep up the good work.

sincerely 

caryn fortner

Dear Caryn,

I'll be keeping up the good work as soon as I find a place to keepit up!

All my best,

Joe Bob




Joe Bob,

Was it TNT's decision or yours? It seems like the timeslot may have hurt more than anything. I'm sure you'll move on to better things... just pretty depressing to see such a great show that my frieds and I enjoy go away. TNT now is stuck with showing "The Breakfast Club" for the hundreth time.:)`  I talked to the webmaster of JoeBobBriggs.com last night on IRC... very nice lady. I'm also a Web designer as well. I'm working on a movie site right now that has Bruce Campbell in it coming out in the fall called "Nobody Knows"..it's about a timetraveller that goes back to stop the JFK assassination.

The director, Robert Dyke, actually helped do the special effects for Evil Dead 2 (one of the greatest horror movies ever made)He also directed Moontrap.. that movie that had Checkov  from Star Trek in it. It's a small world we live in huh? Well I'm sure you get tons a e-mail so didn't want to take much of your time. So talk to ya later,

Thanks for all the great shows,
-Steve Jencks

P.S.I know what you should do, bring back MysteryScienceTheater 3000 and be the host:) 

Dear Steve,

Well, thanks for that testimonial, bud. The market for cult movies just ain't what it used to be! But I'm sure I'll be around.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob



Joe Bob,

What in corn-swaggle tarnation do ya think ya doin' leavin' TNT's MonsterVision? Or was it those dag-nabit TNT censors that run ya out?  MonsterVision (if it still exists after you leave) will never be the same again. When is your last appearance? Sorry *sniff*, I have to go console  myself with a cold one and a really crappy movie.

yog_sothoth

Dear yog_sothoth,

Eastern Kentucky or West Virginia?

I guess in a way it WAS the censors. TNT went into a Total Yuppie Experience kind of direction, and there was no room for my kind of stink-bomb satire. Or that's what some folks say.

Joe Bob




Dearest ((((Joe Bob)))) 

My friends say I should be the one to write you because I went to Texas A&M and you live in Texas. What logic. Anyway, what we want to know is whether or not that guy who runs Turner Network or his bratty wife is going to let you post all the reviews/transcripts from MonsterVision on your new site?  My step-dad from Vidor says he's a communist. But, he if was, wouldn't he be happy to share them? (They teach us this stuff at school.) 

Um...I guess that's it.

Hugs, 
Evangeline Galadriel "Please-don't-make-fun-of-my-name-it's-not-my-fault-my-parents-were-hippies
" Vandergeld
Sterling, VA

(if this gets printed: Hi Dalton!)

Dear Evangeline,

Well, since I don't really make any money on my website, I don't think TNT would care if we posted all the stuff that, after all, was written by me. I'm not sure of the legalities of it, so let's just NOT MENTION IT, okay? I do have a court order from back in 1986 stating that I own the name "Joe Bob Briggs" and all attendant Joe Bobish type stuff. But it's an interesting question.

All my best,

Joe Bob



dear joe bob,

i cant believ your leaving the show!!! i used to watch it every saturday and watch how cute you are, i wanna know why you decided to leave the show =( 
thanks 

HEARTBROKEN, 
Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Well, I was doing that show for four years, and doing a similar show on The Movie Channel for ten years before that, so maybe it was time to GET A NEW ACT. At any rate, they fired me!

All my best,

Joe Bob



Dear Joe Bob 

I'm 18 years old and I just wanted to say a few words to you. It's a shame to see you go from TNT, you were the real reason I ever really watched MonsterVision. I loved hearing your opening monolouge every week, and I loved the one you did about the remake of Night of the Living Dead.  I have a bit of Trivia for you. Did You Know that the 1999 Guinness Book of World Records says that the original "Night of the Living Dead" Holds the record for the cheapest horror film ever made, made for just over  $100,000? What do you think of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" I like it myself. One other thing, what do you think of Monty Python's Flying Circus? I think you are one of the funniest critics alive today. Please keep up the good work.

thank you for your time
Brian Henegar


Dear Brian,

Thanks for the nice words, bud, but we've got to alert the Guinness people at once. That's absolutely not true about "Night of the Living Dead" being the cheapest budget for a horror film. There have been many made for less than $100,000. I know that "A Bucket of Blood" was made for less than $50,000, and the original "Little Shop of Horrors" for even less than that.  There was a movie about witches, made in the sixties down on the Mexican border for $7,000. I'll try to find the title for you.

I think Regis Philbin is a genius. I don't think anyone knows HOW HARD THAT IS, to work with somebody like Kathie Lee for all those years and make her into an asset instead of a liability. And the Monty Python guys are idols, if not Eric Idles, of mine, especially John Cleese, although I'm told he's the least likeable in person.

All my best,

Joe Bob




Joe Bob,

We miss you on TNT Monstervision. My wife couldn't believe you left. Please let your fans know where we can watch your show.

Tim Jenks

Dear Tim,

Your wife couldn't believe I left but you had NO PROBLEM IMAGINING IT, right? Thanks a LOT.

Hang in there,
Joe Bob


Joe Bob!

Where have you gone? What's happened to MonsterVision? I'M GOING INTO  WITHDRAWAL...!!


Patrick Spreng
http://www.acmewebpages.com/joebob/

Dear Patrick,

Patrick Patrick Patrick Patrick Patrick!

Where have you been?

Please go to the site and READ THE LETTERS!

Hang in there,

Joe Bob