ARCHIVE - 002
Hi,
Me and all my sorority girl friends are going to have a slumber
party in the abandoned mansion on top of that hill by the
cemetery tonight, you know, the one by the toxic waste dump? Ya
wanna come? teehee
love
on ya,
Candi
Sally A Lockhart
Dear Candi,
I know how all you female serial-killer gangs work. Do you think
I've never seen the late movie on Showtime? No thank ya.
Joe Bob
Joe Bob
Yeah, me and the gals are gonna have a keg in the cornfield and
ride our cycles around ya until you cry. You're onto us now.
Showtime? No, that would be Lifetime....
Candi
Candi,
The male serial killers are on Lifetime.
The female serial killers are on Showtime.
I'm surprised I have to point this out.
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
OOOH, male - Lifetime, female-Showtime. Got it. Why can I not
keep that straight?
Sally
Sally,
Uh . . . because you're a woman?
Joe Bob
Joe Bob John,
Are
you SURE? How can one tell?
Candi
Sally
Joe Bob,
I was reading how "they" might be making "Freddy
versus Jason" and "Alien versus Predator" and it
got me thinking; wouldn't it be cool if we could pit famous movie
monsters against today's celebrities in a fantasy death match?
Who matches up well against who? (I know, way too much free time
on my hands). Anyway, here's one possible scenario.
THE
MUMMY Vs KATHY LEE GIFFORD
The Mummy is a thousand years old.
Kathy Lee is married to someone a thousand years old. ADVANTAGE
KATHY LEE
No matter where you go, you cannot escape the Mummy.
No matter where you go, you cannot escape Kathy Lee. DRAW
The Mummy needs special incantations to make it rise up and
terrorize the living.
Kathy Lee only needs a Christmas special to rise up and terrorize
the living. ADVANTAGE KATHY LEE
WINNER: KATHY LEE
Waiting anxiously for your next TV show,
Tim O'Rawe
Palm Beach Gardens, FL
Dear
Tim,
Stop! You're cracking me up! You know, there are so many Kathy
Lee jokes that you could almost start to feel sorry for . . .
Naw, you couldn't, could you?
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
I
wanted to thank you for linking William Girdler.com from your
site. Not to get all mushy, but I've been a fan of yours since
those Drive-In videos. Your first Drive-In book was a holy
text in college, and I watched Monstervision religiously. So the
"stamp of approval" means a lot.
I've really hoped that the Girdler site would renew some interest
in his films, since they're all so fun and quintessentially
"B". Thanks for getting the word out.
Respectfully yours,
Patty Breen
Pottstown, PA
Patty,
You're quite welcome. I applaud your efforts. Are all you Girdler
worshippers actually IN Louisville?
What do you do when you're not Girdlering?
All my best,
Joe Bob
Hi Joebob,
I just have one quick question. Can you tell me how many sequels
there were to the movie Nightmare On Elm Street. I think it's 5,
but I'm not sure. please help me.
PS: HORROR Flicks rule!
see you,
Tom Hall (monsterman)
Dear monsterman,
There were five sequels, for a total of six movies. The last one
was not called Part 6, but "Wes Craven's New
Nightmare." That one and the first one are the only two
directed by Wes. The worst ones are 2 and 4.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
Monstervision is really coming to an end? I watch very little TV,
but my friends and I tune into your show religiously. I guess I
should have seen this coming when you were cut back from a
double-feature down to a single movie, and had your time-slot
pushed back into the wee hours. But that doesn't make me any more
pleased about it. The weekends won't be the same without you.
It's a shame that so much garbage ('Survivor', 'Millionaire',
'Big Brother', etc) thrives in the sewer that is TV, but a great
littlethrowback to the old "Chiller Theater"-type
program, like Monstervision, doesn't.
If I may make a humble request, please consider seeking another
network to continue the show if you haven't already; even if only
for monthly specials or something of that nature.
We'll miss you.
Best wishes,
Jamie Sundin,
devoted fan,
Pittsburgh, PA
Dear Jamie,
You're right. I was fired so slowly it amounted to TNT Water
Torture, didn't it? Forced to forsake my bolos, shuttled to the
graveyard shift, and then finally, the ax! Well, I can't say I
didn't see it coming.
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
I was just at the MonsterVision website and read that you're
leaving. O.K. so maybe this is old news and I'm a little
behind the times. What can I say, I didn't hear about the coming
down of the Berlin Wall until about 3 months after it happened. I
never have been one on keeping up with the world.
I'm sad to read about you leaving MonsterVision. Your face in
front of that beat-up old trailer glowing out across my dark
living room floor late Saturday nights has always put a smile in
my heart. O.K., so maybe I need to get a life - not easy for a 34
year old single mother (always looking, though) with very little
extra cash lying about.
Are you going to be moving to another T.V. spot? What bigger and
better things will you be doing? Now what will I do on Saturday
nights?
-Rhonda Brown
Dear Rhonda,
It's funny you should mention the Berlin wall, because we sawed
up my Lazy-Boy recliner and we're giving away chunks of it.
All my best,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
Now that you are free of the clutches of Ted Turner, you can
speak freely. I know that Turner screened all of our mail
and you were unable to convey instructions. We here at the
militia have continued to stock pile and kept surveilance on all
targets. The subliminal messages we used to receive from the TNT
Monstervision movies have been somehow filtered. (Probably by
A.O.L. which really stands for Amish On Line, and we all know
they are behind the whole UN/New World Order takeover and can't
wait to put us on their giant slave farms, and they are the ones
that made Ted Turner get rid of Jane Fonda, but we still don't
know why) Anyways, we are ready to move. (But it can't be on
thursdays because that is when our command vehicle is in use by
Buddy's wife, cause it is her mini van, and she has bingo)
Awaiting instructions eagerly,
General R.W. Boyce/BEAVER COUNTY MILITIA
PS (my rank is really not General, that is my first name, just
don't tell nobody)
Dear General,
We will follow the protocol followed in Desert Storm. I'll order
an air attack that will demoralize and kill all of the enemy.
Three days later I will send you and your men to burn the bridges
that might otherwise be used by escaping fatalities.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
Despite my efforts to watch (or videotape, if I couldn't be at
home) every episode of Monstervision, I guess the folks at TNT
couldn't recognize a good thing if it dropped on their collective
heads like a 800 lb. German anvil. I am anxiously awaiting what
new television incarnation you will appear in...hopefully still
doing B-movies in some fashion. No doubt if you, yourself, knew,
you'd be advertising it on your Website, but just in case you DO
know where we can dial in next to see you, I'd feel much obliged
if you clued me in.
I'll just keep flippin' channels 'till I find you,
Cliff Raeder
Dear Cliff,
I'm sure I'll put something together, but the interest in B
movies, or cult movies, or whatever, is cyclical, and we're in a
trough of that cycle right now. What happens is that people turn
to B movies for programming because it's cheap. Then they're
surprised when it becomes popular. Then they have such good
ratings that they decide they should have "better"
programming. So they get rid of the B movies. In fact, the people
who benefit most from the B movies are the ones who start to have
a positive abhorrence of them, telling you "We don't do that
anymore."
You know what they don't realize? Almost EVERYTHING is a B movie.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Hey there J.B.!
Remember me? Well, I've become even more of a movie freak over
the last couple of years. What do you think of these new horror
films and chillers that seem to be coming out lately? In other
words, what are your opinions on flicks like "Blair
Witch", "6th Sense", "The Ninth Gate",
"Stigmata", "Stir of Echoes", etc.? Do you
think that a new wave of contemporary horror and high-class
supernatural suspense is being ushered, or are they all just
overrated?
Adam J. Hakari
Dear Adam,
A lot of those titles are just barely on the edge of horror. I
love "The Sixth Sense," though. One of the most
inventive zombie movies ever made.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
BTW, here be my website URL:
http://www.angelfire.com/wi/criticschoice/
Check 'er out and tell me what you think!
-A.J.
Adam J. Hakari
Dear Adam,
There's no question about it. You may be the most knowledgeable
14-year-old film critic who's ever lived. I don't think I'd seen
near that many films when I was 14. So keep up the good work!
All my best,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
Actually, I'm 15 years old. I'm gonna be 16 this coming March.
You're right about "The Sixth Sense" being an inventive
film, but I consider it to be a drama rather than a horror film.
Certainly there are supernatural elements which allow it to be
viewed as a slight horror flick, but when the director explores
the complexities of the kid's problems with being able to see
dead people, the mood quickly switches from trying to frighten
the audience to warming their hearts, in a way.
"Stir of Echoes" was the same thing, with Kevin Bacon
as an everyman chosen by a ghost to solve a mystery...or else.
Speaking of Bacon, today I caught an afternoon matinee of his new
sci-fi flick "Hollow Man", directed by the master of
excess, Paul Verhoeven ("RoboCop" still stands today as
one of the top ten best action movies of all time; both sequels
stunk). To tell you the truth, the film isn't as graphic as the
buzz has exclaimed (though there are several gruesome sequences),
and the performances could have been more exciting, but the
effects are positively amazing. You have not seen these kind of
effects before, and the inventiveness of the script just keeps on
building up (I love the numerous ways the Invisible Mr. Bacon is
revealed, by way of special goo, pipe smoke, etc.). "Hollow
Man" is actually better than the reviews say, but don't
expect a masterpiece.
Thanks for the well wishes on my site. I've been working hard on
watching flicks I reviewed in the past, re-reviewing them in
preparation for the day I can finally get my own domain and do
something I've always wanted to: archive reviews. Because I use
Angelfire, a free website service, I can use only a certain
amount of space, which can't quite accompany as many reviews as
I've written, but since March of this year, I've been printing
out copies of reviews since. I'm now writing ten reviews a week
(sometimes eleven), and I'm working on an upcoming theme week of
vampire movies, as well as reviews of assorted horror films
tossed about in the weeks of September and October (I plan to
view "Creepshow", "Eyes of Laura Mars", and a
number of others).
Well, I'll stop ramblin' and let you get on with your life. ;-)
See ya later!
-Adam J. Hakari
Joe Bob,
I have a few questions that have been plaguing my puny little
brain for years. I think that, through the wisdom of Joe Bob
Briggs, they can finally be answered (and I can start using my
brain for other activities). I hope you can help me.
1). Was William Marshall scarier as Blacula or as The King Of
Cartoons (in "Pee-Wee's Playhouse")?
2). Did Ted Kennedy's attorney's first advise him to use the
"Frankenstein's Monster defense" after Chappaquiddick?
3). Did Martin Landau do a better Bella Lugosi than Bella Lugosi?
4). If you actually met a zombie would you be scared or thrilled?
Personally, I'd be happier than Woody Allen at rehersals for
Nickoldeon's producton of "Miss Saigon." Happier than
President Clinton at the White House's annual "Bring Your
Daughter To Work Day." Well, you get the point.
Thanks
Tim O'Rawe
Palm Beach Gardens, FL
Dear Tim,
Should we be searching your car?
Joe Bob
Joe Bob or John,
I have not checked my e-mail in forever and was wondering why
were not perking up my Saturday nights BUMMER!! I'm going to cry!
What happened? Why aren't you doing MonsterVision anymore? Is
there some kind of protest that I and other fans could do to get
you back on? I need you on Saturday night! Yes I did check out
your website I clicked on "I don't have a clue where I am or
what I'm doing." which is how I feel most of the time. I
could have clicked on I'm surfing the net while stoned, but that
was the 70's Ha Ha. Seriously I really want to know how to
get you back on Saturday night or at least on some night. TNT
sucks! I can understand why you didn't like the book "The
Perfect Storm" it's not exactly an uplifting story, but
trust me the movie is very good. I'm going to see "The
Hollow Man" this weekend, looks like its your kind of flick.
All for now at least I can click on your website to see your
smiling face.
Love and Kisses
Robin Roberts
Fremont, CA
Dear Robin,
I guess I was just TOO HOT for TNT. Maybe if you offered to go
topless in the TNT offices. I don't know what else would work.
All my best,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
After weeks of not seeing you on Monstervision, I finally checked
out TNT's official site and had my worst fears confirmed. Not
surprising that a douchebag like Ted Turner would dump the best
thing on his crummy network but there you have it. Actually I
thought the writing was on the wall when they forced you to
change the show to Joe Bob's Saturday Nights. I know a lot of
people are writing in to say how much they'll miss the show but I
just wanted to say myself what a let-down it is. I'll keep
checking your site in the hopes that before long you'll be
announcing a new TV gig.
Keep
your chin up, man.
All the best -
Jeff Allard
Springfield, MA
Dear Jeff,
I do wanna clear up one thing. It definitely wasn't Ted Turner's
decision. Ted long ago went to some executive penthouse within
the Time-Warner empire, and he doesn't get involved in day-to-day
programming or hiring. The one and only time I met Ted, he was
more than encouraging about the show, and expounded at some
length on how much he loves late-night movie hosts in general. He
said that at his very first TV station, years ago, he had a
late-night movie host. Anyway, a lot of people are blaming it on
Ted. It wasn't Ted.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
We sent you copies of our "Monstrous Movie Music" and
"More Monstrous Movie Music" CDs a few years ago and
never heard back. Our newest CD, featuring re-recordings of music
from CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON, THE ALLIGATOR PEOPLE, and
the M-G-M Tarzan films has just been released. If you'd like to
have a copy, please contact us. You can read about our
"labor of love" at our web site below, and find out
about our recordings of the music from THEM!, THE BEAST FROM
20,000 FATHOMS, IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA, and more.
Coming soon from us -- THIS ISLAND EARTH, MIGHTY JOE YOUNG (the
REAL one -- not the Disney mess), andmuch more!
Best regards,
David Schecter
Burbank, CA
http://www.mmmrecordings.com
Dear David,
I'd love to check out that CD, bud. I'll even review it on the
site. Send it to . . .
P.O. Box 2002
Dallas, TX 75221
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
What happened at monstervision? We need to know the real story...
It's just not the same without you :(
Donnie Simpson
Donnie,
Everyone wants to know the "real story." There is no
real story! They fired me!
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
Don't know if you're looking to make Advice to the Hopeless a
forum for seekers of obscure movies, but I think we all feel
Danny Wright's pain about vanished movies of one sort or another.
Danny himself specifically asked about "Royal Flash."
This sucker exists on celluloid somewhere, somehow. I saw it
years ago, but I'm not sure if it was out-of-print video, taped
off U.S. or European TV, or what. It was a Richard Lester/George
Macdonald Fraser collaboration (like "The Three
Musketeers" and "The Four Musketeers") from
Fraser's novel. I vaguelyrecall being rather unimpressed. But it
is out there somewhere, so good luck finding it, Danny.
E.E. Gifford
Ventura, CA
Dear E.E.,
You didn't really help Danny, did you? You just PROLONGED his
pain. I'm sure he's appreciative.
Joe Bob
Hey
Joe Bob,
I just read Larry Mignoli's letter and I know where he is coming
from. I watched every night, even when movie wasn't so good, just
to listen to you and your jokes at the end of the show. Here is
an idea, why not add an area on your site for the Joe Bob Joke. I
would love to see that.
p.s.
still trying to get you on HBO.
C Greenfeather
Dear C,
Pretty soon we'll be putting the old transcripts from The Movie
Channel and TNT up on the site, and all of those will have jokes
in the final segment.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Re: Stagecoach 1939
Joe Bob,
I was
watching above referenced film, on TV, and noticed astrong
resemblance between you and Tim Tyler, the actor who played Luke
Palmer. This is the same guy that was whipping Victor Immature in
Samson and Hedy Lamar. Is it coincidence, bad cinematography, or
will you discover time travel in the near future?
Alex Newman
Alex,
I have not, nor would I ever, whip Victor Immature.
Unless he begged me.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Hey JBB!
How can you leave all us fans heartbroken and split from TNT? I
do hope you will be readily available through all sorts of
media...Don't leave us hanging! I am still hoping for a surprise
return of " We are the Weird" some of us gotta learn to
let go and get a life... I know, I know. I have been
keeping the faith and viewing every off color film I can get my
hands on from B to Major feature to bootlegs, trying my best to
find a bootleg of the Johnny Depp banned film "The
Brave" in which he agrees to star in a snuff movie if they
pay his family 50K. I think a rant about that is in order: what
kind of rocket scientist agrees to a contract like that? If
your'e dead, how can you collect on your debt if they skip? And
it's not like your family can go to the police: hey, these guys
were supposed to pay us 50k if my hubby let them kill him? Jeez?
But I want to see it anyway. I digress.....I have been trying to
land some of your out of print books on Ebay,and they are hot
sellers, I tell you! I myself have been invited to sign at a
Collectors Con in December, and plan to bring on a few folks who
are hawking their B-Movie wares.... I hope someday you make it to
the Chiller Con for Halloween, a great time: these are the only
Cons I can bear by the way, they leave me drained and exhausted,
and despising the general masses, but hey, Linnea Quigley hangs
out there, so I gotta go!
More soon, and thanks for getting back to me, hope you are doing
quite well, and love the new website!
Laura Lee Baker
Lake Hiawatha, NJ
Dear Laura Lee,
If Johnny Depp wants to star in a snuff film, let's not
discourage him, okay?
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
Let me say, I love your monster vision show. I am really
disappointed that you are leaving. I will definitely miss your
jokes about the lifetime network! LOL LOL!!!!!! And your awesome
sense of humor. My question to you is I'm in a band and we don't
know what to call ourselves. Our music is similar to Marilyn
Manson but we actually have talent. Our music is spooky, dark,
gothic. We need something ghoulish and only you could help us
out!
Thank you for your time because I know you're a busy guy!!! =)
Melody Nardone
Somerville, MA
Dear Melody,
I think you should call your band "Extreme Joe Bob."
Preciate those nice words, hon. You made my day.
All
my best,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
I hope you come out with a new show, hosting B movies for all of
your fans that looked forward to spending Saturday nights with
you. What in the hell was Ted Turner thinking? He is such a
moron.
Heather Harper
Kissimmee, FL
Dear Heather,
Love that way you have of expressing yourself! Preciate it.
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
We just found out your leaving TNT. What will the world come to?
What will we do for laughs on Saturday? My mom and us three kids
love to sit around during Monstervision and wait for you to come
on. Where are you going? We are going to miss you. By the way
what ever happened to Attack of the Giant Crab Monsters? My mom
wants to know where to get it on tape she's been looking for it
for at least 10 years. No one can ever replace you. In fact we
were
just watching CHILDREN OF THE CORN 2: THE FINAL SACRIFICE. WE'll
miss you.
Bye!
Alexis, Megan and Heather and our mom Marcy La Corte
Dear Alexis, Megan and Heather,
I'll bet you're able to go to bed at your bedtime now, aren' t
you? Preciate the nice words, guys. You're the best.
All my best,
Joe Bob
Hey Joe Bob
Now that you left TNT where can we watch you on TV I quit
watching TNT's Saturday late show because without you and your
Crew there is no more fun
I know you must get thousands of e-mail letters but please answer
mine or let us know what your doing on your web site in the mean
time be cool and have Fun !!
AJ Torcaso
Pittsburgh, PA
Dear AJ,
Hey, you guys have to give me a LITTLE time to put something
together, okay? Everyone's asking me this question, and I haven't
even been off the air a month yet! Believe me, I WILL let you
know!
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
So what happened to MonsterVision? Did they finally get so lame
that they let you go, or were you just tired of the
censorship!???
Anyway, as a lone time fan, I was just wondering where you were
headed next so that we can tune in and get some more wit and
wisdom about movie stuff!
Mike Ledbetter
Oklahoma City, OK
Dear Mike,
I've answered about fifty questions about the circumstances of my
leaving "Monstervision," and I think most of them are
posted on the website: www.joebobbriggs.com. So I'm plumb
tuckered out talkin about it.
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
I was wondering if you downloaded part 1 of Stephen King's
"The Plant," and did you pay your dollar? What do
you think Mr. King is trying to do to us?
Miss you on Saturdays,
Melissa
Dear Melissa,
Every time I try to download something, I have to kick in a piece
of furniture, so in the interest of my personal possessions, I
didn't download "The Plant." But a dollar a chapter?
Not the way THAT guy writes!
All my best,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
As an avid fan of your wit and wisdom on Drive-In Theater and
MonsterVision, I was appalled, but not surprised, that the dim
wits at TNT would be stupid enough to fire you and actually think
that MonsterVision would survive!
I wrote them the following:
Big mistake firing Joe Bob Briggs. Especially without letting
him do a farewell show.
But let's face it, you guys made it obvious a long time ago that
you didn't like him much by constantly giving him lame movies and
shifting the time slot around until it got relegated to the 1am
slot!
Fortunately for Joe Bob, there are many fans on which he can
depend to stick with him. But as for MonsterVision, I
predict it will die a lame death without Joe Bob's wit. The
movies just aren't usually that good and, in fact, usually have
nothing to do at all with Monsters!!! Hmmmm.
Your programming guys should have their heads examined for
letting him go...and by the way, lighten up on the censorship
Ted. We CAN handle a little gore and a few breasts on a monster
flick. See ya...well probably not!
Here's hoping you get another gig where they appreciate your
talent and wit as much as your fans do!!! Good luck and let us
know when and where to look for you next! Until then, relax, have
a beer and send me the tab...(but remember, I did say A beer, and
not no damn high felootin' foreign beer either!!!) See you soon,
somewhere.
Mike Ledbetter
Oklahoma City, OK
Dear Mike,
The only foreign beer I drink is Meskin beer, and that has to be
Tecate. No frat-boy panther-piss Coronas for this guy. Preciate
the support, bud.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
John-
Is it true you are leaving MonsterVision? What am I supposed to
do - you have been my steady date for Saturday night! Good luck
in your new endeavors...
Linda
Linda,
If I don't get another show real soon, I'll come do the show in
your house. How's that?
All my best,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
I just heard that you will no longer be hosting TNT's
MonsterVision, which is bad news for die-hard fans like me who
look forward to your wit and wisdom every week. While I know that
it's impossible for you to respond to all your fans, I hope that
all is going well for you, and that you will not be a stranger.
What's the chances of getting your own show? With so much
contrived garbage on TV these days, it's refreshing to find a
genuinely funny guy like yourself. Best of luck on your future
journeys, and I'll be hoping to catch a glimpse of you.
Your Movie-MAD Maverick,
Joe Grotenrath II
Somer's Point, NJ
Dear Joe,
You wouldn't BELIEVE how popular I've gotten since leaving "MonsterVision."
And yes, I think ALL shows on TV should be my show. Trust
me, I'll let you know when something develops.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Hey Joe Bob,
I'm as saddened as any other fan about those lame wankers at TNT
for giving you the can, but I figured you heard enough from other
fans. What more can be said, right? Just know you WERE popular
before you got fired --- I've spoken to many of Joe Bob-heads, I
guess now you're just getting to see how many people are behind
you and how many people Turner SCREWED IN THE ASS! His loss.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that one horror flick I like is
Fright Night. It could have been a great movie if they eliminated
two things --- that horribly annoying Evil dork and the 50 minute
dance club scene. Other than that I think it's pretty interesting
--- sort of like if I encountered vampires, I'd seek your help to
kill 'em. But since this flick never made it to Monster Vision, I
always wanted to know facts about this movie that you'd usually
provide since most people don't even know it exists.
Another thing I wanted to say is one of my favorite horror movies
is 1996's The Frighteners. Horror-comedy to be exact. I've read
people dump and dump on this movie, but what's the big deal? Each
time I watch it I wonder why it was so hated. Pretty good
effects, great story, creepy villain played by Jake Busey, and
even Michael J. Fox gives a damn good performance! I love the
movie. Were people turned off by so much computer effects
(computer boom didn't really hit then) or did they see Michael J.
Fox and thought "to hell with that"? What's your
opinion on it?
That's it, if it wasn't long enough. Thanks for your time, and I
look forward to your future projects.
Dakota Kemp
Wheeling, WV
Dear D.,
Well, it's true that people don't take to Michael J. Fox in
horror flicks. Witness the failure of his basketball-playing
werewolf turn. But Jake Busey is a natural. He could have a whole
career, a la Lance Henriksen, as a slightly supernatural villain.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Hey Joe Bob,
Where are you going what are you going to be doing in the future.
How could you leave us all alone on Sat. night? Let your fans
know what your up to. We miss you!
Joyce White
Dear Joyce,
That was very inconsiderate of me, wasn't it? But I DO have
something much better coming up. It's just that . . . it's a
secret.
All my best,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
I moved from New York to Minneapolis four months ago, and I've
been too broke to afford cable, so I had no idea until I was
referred to your website that all that crap had happened at TNT.
Since MonsterVision was the main reason I ached for the cable, I
guess I can save my money...
So, we're both unemployed...How many words a minute do you type?
Do you know Excel?...Just kidding.
If you do get a new show, are you hiring administrative
assistants? Oh, I'm sorry, I mean secretaries?
Are you still doing God Stuff? Lizz Winstead is one of my best
friends, so I boycotted The Daily Show until that creepy jerk was
off (sorry if you're friends...but even if you are, you
probably still think he's a creepy jerk). Then I started watching
again, always with the hope of a God Stuff, but I think I only
saw it once and could never figure out if the segments were on
with any regularity. Okay, if you are, there's a reason to get
cable!!
Just wanted to wish you luck. You're the best socio-political
commentator out there -- I mean it -- so I know that you will end
up doing something even better, where you have more control and
you're happier. In reading your responses to the e-mails, it was
obvious you had gotten kinda miserable at TNT -- well, it was
obvious they were jerking you around-- so this is really a good
and positive thing, right? RIGHT??!! (It ALWAYS sucks to get
fired though, no matter what the circumstances.) Get mad, mad as
hell! You don't need those clueless idiots!
Thanks for reading,
Jill Fonaas
Minneapolis, MN
Dear Jill,
Well, it's my season to get fired. "The Daily Show"
just cancelled "God Stuff," too! And yes, I agree with
you that Lizz Winstead was one of the best things about the show
and deserved better. I proposed doing a project with her--our
agents happen to have next-door offices--but never heard back
from her. The bitch. (ONLY KIDDING!)
Yes, I'm headed for a far, far better place. (Wait! Isn't that
what guys on Death Row say?) Thanks for the support. These little
signs of affection mean a great deal to me.
All my best,
Joe Bob
Dear Mr. Joe Bob Briggs,
When I learned of your recent departure from TNT I assumed that
you left voluntarily to work on the production of your biopic. (
I was hoping) Now that I've read your "Advice to the
Hopeless" and realized that you were canned, it is having a
great affect on my coping of the whole issue. So, you mean to
tell me that you were "asked" to leave? Don't you
worry; I have left a scathing email to the weasels at TNT to tell
them just what I think of their decision. I'm a Dallas girl, and
long-time Joe Bob fan, and all I can think about is "We Are
the Weird." You shall overcome! I have to admit, I'm more a
fan of the intellectual Joe Bob. What you did on TNT was great.
They will be so sorry.
One question: why didn't you pick up your sax during the symphony
in Dallas as you had promised? In any case, I had the time of my
life and have a renewed appreciation for the Love Theme of
Young Frankenstein
Ms. H. Brown
PS: I don't usually receive email, so don't feel obligated to
answer personally. (But you may try) Also, I wanted you to know,
I am a Dallas nurse who always wanted to become involved in the
work of the Dallas County Crime Lab. It was, in part, your book
about the North Dallas murder that prompted me to pursue my
career in forensic sciences. By the way, Dr. I. Stone resents the
fact that he was characterized as "fatherly" in your
book. He says he feels very young. This is not a direct
quote, but one from former colleagues. Good luck in all your
endeavors.
Dear Mrs. H. Brown,
Thank you for those warm words of support, but it was not really
as sinister as "We Are the Weird." Everyone on TV is
eventually "asked to leave." It seems to be the nature
of the medium.
The reason I didn't pick up the sax is that I had picked it up
the night before in my hotel room, and I didn't particularly
enjoy the sounds I coaxed out of it. There's this little thing
called embouchure that goes away if you don't play the sax for,
oh, decades.
All my best,
Joe Bob
Howdy Joe Bob,
We just got back from your appearance at Horray for Hollywood. We
had an outstanding time, and would like to thank you for coming.
You raved about "Ice Pirates" so much, I had to run to
my local cult video store to see if I could find it. And
shockingly the local register jockey mid-teen nit-wit responded
to my query with only a blank stare (and strange odor). I was
hoping you could weasel this celluloid romp into madness, bikini
clad female samurai bareback riding warriors and all into an
upcoming episode of Monster Vision. Also, I thought the fantastic
musical instrument that is the Theramin (spelling ?) should be
shared by all your other lovely drive in mutants. Again, thanks
for taking time out for the concert and making us all laugh.
The Drive in will never Die!!
Hook 'em Horns
Jon Braeckel
University of Texas
Austin TX
Dear Jon,
What! "Ice Pirates" unavailable in a legit video store.
What is this nation coming to? Sadly, I have no clout at "MonsterVision,"
so I would recommend Movies Unlimited. They can usually roust up
a copy of something.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
John,
I have a great idea. I really think Joe Bob Briggs should run for
President. He would be a most excellent candidate. After all, he
has the answer for EVERYTHING. Is there any subject he cannot
discuss in great length? So what do you think?
Kelly Light
Boiling Springs, PA
Dear Kelly,
If nominated, I will not run.
If
elected, I will not serve.
If given a hundred bucks, I'll do anything.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
JoeBob:
I am going to certainly miss you on Saturday night. I find that
you are so stupid you're funny. I love your humor and it
brightened up my weekend. I hope that you still remain on cable -
HBO, SHOWTIME, whatever. I enjoy you. What's your next tv regular
position? I'll be glued to the screen to watch you when I find
out.
Not to get any pity out of you but I am a woman in a wheelchair
due to cerebral palsy and am limited in what I can do and your
show certainly brightened my otherwise lonely weekends. I like
your style.
Jerrie
Dear Jerrie,
My stupidity is all for you, darlin. Keep checking the website
and I'll let you know when the next show gets up and running.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Joe
Bob,
I'm writing you on my lap tap from the Betty Ford Clinic. They
have a new program designed for Joe Bob fans who are experiencing
withdrawal. That's me. Each patient sleeps in an old trailer out
back and has letters from convicted felons delivered by sexy
postal workers named "Rusty." (Patients are encouraged
to make passes at "Rusty" which are then rejected in an
attempt to maintain realism). After a morning of group therapy,
in which we take turns making jokes about fat women, blondes, and
New Yorkers, patients are treated to lunch. ("Lunch"
consists of non-alcoholic beer, served in a coozie, and anything
cooked on the barbecue).
After lunch we work one-on-one with aggression counselors who
help us release our anger by punching heavy bags with Ted Turner
faces on them. (What a mistake it was giving that hillbilly
a TV network. Like giving the launch codes to Jed Clampett).
In the afternoon we do a variety of therapeutic activities. These
include doing the drive-in totals for whatever's on the tube
(example: an episode of "Matlock": 12 near-dead bodies,
1 parking lot vehicular rear-ending with crash and broken hip,
gratuitous stating of "when I was young..." , false
teeth-fu, blue hair-fu, in bed by 3:00 PM-fu...two and a half
stars).
Before dinner we play the board game version of "Find That
Flick," the winner of which gets a crappy t-shirt. After
dinner we gather round the television and watch tapes of your
past Monstervision shows (Tapes of "Joe Bob's Saturday
Night" are not allowed). Finally, its bed time. A nurse
comes around to each patient and reads us your movie reviews
until we fall asleep. I'm in day 13 of my rehab. I'm hoping to
get better soon but its so...damn...hard (mild sobbing). Sorry.
Anyway, if you could visit us it would mean so much. (Especially
to the guys on suicide watch) We tried to make this happen
through the "Make A Wish Foundation" but they said that
we have to actually be dying for them to help. (They also asked
who "Joe Bob Briggs" was). Maybe you could send us some
autographed photos. Please Joe Bob, get your ass back on TV soon!
There are some really sick fans who are running out of time...and
hope (uncontrolled sobbing).
A true fan (who wants to work with you some day),
Timothy O'Rawe
Palm Beach Gardens, FL
Dear Tim,
Fortunately for you, I'm talking to a different network about a
new "Joe Bob Lite" methadone show.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
I think there are some "classic" drive-in movies that
should be remade. Here are a few examples with the stars
who should be in them.
CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS
Macaulay Culkin travels to a remote island looking to resurrect
his career. The Terrifying conclusion has him doing just that,
starring in "Home Alone 4" where he defends his home
from his father, Kit.
BLOODSUCKING FREAKS
Johnny Cochran and Robert Shapiro star as deranged lawyers who
terrorize the citizens of L.A.
DRILLER KILLER
Bob Vila goes on a rampage with a Craftsman 14 volt cordless
power drill after a 48-hour marathon of "This Old House
Classics." (Norm gets it first)
THE BLOB
Rosie O'Donnell. Need I say more?
Trying to hold on,
Timothy O'Rawe
Palm Beach Gardens, FLTimothy O'Rawe
Palm Beach Gardens, FL
Tim,
I like the way you think.
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
I've been watching Monstervision for years. It's sad to watch a
show die. Disney cannot make a good sci fi movie and TNT has gone
and shown two in a row. I might have to convert back to human
hours if there is noting for me to stay up for anymore. Sure
"The Hand" is an ultimate killer B but that Disney
touch sickens me. I've spent a year at college with a Disney-holic.
Through this experience I have developed an anti-Disney outlook.
I had a hard first year. They didn't have TNT! I went home on the
weekends to stand my family just so I could see a good late night
and a few jokes. Well, I've managed to write an e-mail that
circles and goes nowhere fast. Must be TRON in the background
that has made me loose focus.
the drive in will never die, no matter how TNT tries to kill it.
:-)
Michelle Loftus
Michelle,
Well, I didn't quite follow that letter, which makes me think
you're . . . my kinda gal!
All my best,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
What
a surprise to hear from you! I thought that the mailing list was
processed by a secretarial pool of buxom big-haired blonds with
Texan accents. I certainly didn't expect a personal reply!
I am a big fan of yours and was heartbroken to hear of your
departure from "Monstervision". However, by making you
show increasingly lame films (How is "Adventures in
Babysitting" considered to be horror?), they proved that
they did not deserve you. I look forward to seeing or reading
your next creative venture.
Please let me know when you plan to perform in Colorado! You
know, a lot of you former Texans end up moving here cause its so
darn purdy (who am I kidding? I don't have an accent, I just
thought it sounded funny).
To answer your question, I do not know who killed Jon Benet, but
I understand that O.J. is looking for the real killer.
Affectionately,
Patricia Echt
Boulder, CO
P.S. Why don't you get a gig on "Politically
Incorrect"? I think that you would be perfect for it. I
almost got on that show (as a citizen panelist), and you are a
lot funnier than I am! Well, on second thought, they didn't pick
me because I was funny...oh, nevermind!
Patricia,
Too late! I've already been on "Politically Incorrect"
three times. To tell you the truth, I like watching it but
I don't really enjoy being a panelist on there. They
encourage you to interrupt and create chaos, and it's not
really my strong suit. I like to do ALL the talking!
It IS purdy up there, but it ain't Texans who say purdy, it's
hillbillies. There are no hills in Texas. We say pritty.
Joe Bob
John,
I attended the Dallas Metropolitan Winds Concert today. Randy
Bass told me you would be great - and he was right! Thank you for
contributing your wit and wisdom to the proceedings. It really
was worth the price of admission.
You have a wonderful ability to include everyone in your party
on-stage. Thanks again from a high school band director
that really DOESN'T hate the tenor sax!!!
Steve Spooner
Waco, Texas
Dear Steve,
Since I know that high school band directors are generally in a
bad mood and the hardest teachers in the world to please, I
consider that high praise indeed. Thanks for showing up. That was
about the most fun I've had in a decade.
All my best,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
How come Royal Flash has never made it to USA, but it is listed
in anthologies for Malcolm McDowell? Can't seem to find it. Was
it ever made?
Saw a photo of it on a paperback release of RF many years ago,
touting its pending release... was it movie vaporware?
Danny Wright
Kennedale, TX
Dear Danny,
Is that a movie? If so, it came and went without any notice by
me. Then again, Malcolm McDowell made more unreleasable
films than any man alive, with the possible exception of Donald
Sutherland, so it could be on a shelf somewhere.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Hey Joe Bob,
Out of all of the Mail Girls you worked with on TNT, who was your
favorite?
P.S. I'm still looking forward to the startup of JBNT ------- Joe
Bob Network Television - all -B- movies, all the time.
Keep up the good work.
Mitchell Adrian
Farmville, VA
Dear Mitchell,
I could never answer that question, for fear of wounding some
poor struggling ex-mail girl, but there definitely IS an answer.
Mysteriously yours,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
To protest your loss, I am nuking TNT. Forget them. If I can't
have my Joe Bob, they can just bite it as far as I am concerned.
For nearly five years, I eagerly awaited our Saturday night
"dates." No, I am not delusional, paranoid, psychotic
or pathological. I am flat-chested, big-butted,
large-brained, funny and extremely kind under the proper
circumstances (restraints help, too). When I found out Joe Bob
was gone without even a good-bye show, I was saddened. What is a
frustrated screenwriter with a big, fat ass to do? (Well,
actually, my big, fat ass probably will have very little bearing
on what I do, but I still can't help thinking about it.)
What I will do is write really good, weird and bizarre
screenplays, hopefully land an agent, hopefully persuade a
producer, hopefully get paid enough to move out of my mother's
basement before she forces me into the attic (I'm afraid of
heights), hopefully land in Kevin Spacey's bed (inquiring minds
want to know), and eventually, beg someone who is deeply
important that my screenplay must be made so that Joe Bob Briggs,
one of the most revered minds of his timelessness, can review it.
Yes, this is one of my undying goals in life: to have you review
one of my films. My films would be so demented, they'd be bound
to make you laugh aloud at least a couple times. If not, I
volunteer to massage your and Roger Ebert's feet during those
brief but still annoying lapses into dullness. (Tongue
baths will cost you extra and you'll have to bring your own
equipment.)
I am a screenwriter who writes for only two groups- -actors and
film critics; I adore both. I fantasize about both all the time,
and would enjoy nothing more than basking in the glow of their
flawless complexions (artificial light optional). Yes, I really
should see a psychiatrist, but I am probably too far gone to ever
come back from the other side of creative genius.
Now, I don't care if anyone else ever sees any films I write;
those people who pay the bills are not important to me. I only
care about the people in the films and the ones who review them.
Strange and self-defeating career strategy that I would not
recommend, but then again, if I was recommending anyone to be
remotely like myself, I would recommend a Hindu priest for
another lifetime option.
This all said and done, Joe Bob, you are greatly missed on
Saturday night. It is just not the same. I loved your irreverent
wit, your sardonic asides, your massive intellect and your overt
horniness. You were long, smooth and always freshly shaven. I
could have wrapped you in my arms and felt you tenderly crumple
like a deteriorating potato sack left too long in the rain. One
hot, hot tamale you were, a feast for the eyes and a cure for the
soul. What sweet salvation indeed.
You must promise if you appear on TV again, you will let me know.
I would love to witness your enchantment yet again.
Meanwhile, I am writing those screenplays and keeping my hope and
dreams alive. It is really tough, too, because what I write
is weird and wacked out. Still I long to believe that somewhere,
somehow, someone will read my stuff and think, "Wow,
where has this big, fat assed writer been all my life?"
Whatever and whoever I do to succeed, Joe Bob, please remember I
did it for love. While I was doing it for love, I also more than
likely was doing other things and even willing to do some stuff I
probably should've been paid for, but that's okay, too. There are
shots for some of that stuff. One thing there is not a shot for
is my addiction to your utter brilliance.
Be on, you winsome warrior you. Be brave and come back to us
someday. A little IQ goes a long, long way. We need yours
desperately in the dismal marathon we've got going on this
planet.
Remember, too, I vow to stop at nothing to have you actually see
my work up there on that big, bulky screen. If it takes being
laughed at by agents, sued by producers and having Kevin Spacey
come in at 3 a.m., look down at me in his bed and ask, "What
the hell is such a big, fat assed woman doing in my bed?", I
am willing to go that extra mile to bring home sweet victory,
kicking and screaming though it may be.
I'll have done it all for love (and if occasionally for orgasm,
well, then I did it for that, too. Sometimes the price of success
is also the price of a cheap motel, a double martini and a very
bad Disco Night featuring The BeeGees' greatest hits
admission). Don't blame me; I didn't make the rules. I just
sometimes have to borrow a manual to find out what they are.
Take care and be well. You are greatly missed.
Kristy Burnette
Birmingham, AL
Dear Kristy,
Writing rule number one: Never speak of Joe Bob in the past
tense.
Writing rule number two: Joe Bob will ALWAYS review your movie.
Joe Bob is the only critic who will review ANY movie.
Writing rule number three: This doesn't mean you don't have to
suck up to him.
All my best,
Joe Bob
JOE BOB,
AFTER SO MANY GOOD YEARS WHY DID YOU LEAVE SATURDAY NIGHTS SO
BORING?
Wendy Simons
Coulee Dam, WA
Wendy,
Thanks for those words of encouragement, hon, but it really
wasn't my decision. It was, however, a relief. They were not
being supportive. Believe me, there are MUCH better things
coming up.
All the best,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
Thanks for directing me to the website. I joined the tightcircle
and put my snail-mail address on the website so I can receive
your propaganda:-) I've been a fan of yours since way back
when you were on pay cable (its been so long I don't remember if
it was TMC or Showtime ...TMC I think) I will miss you when you
leave TNT. Will you be back on the boob tube any time soon?
BTW did you enjoy The Green Mile? I thought it was pretty good
especially the electrocution scene of Delacroix :-) Maybe there
should be a law that only Frank Darabont can adapt Stephen King
to the screen .I know he owns the rights to the short story The
Mist and am looking forward to see what Mick Garris will do with
Desperation. I got to meet Stephen King briefly when he appeared
in NYC to do a live reading for The New Yorker festival. He is
such a nice and friendly guy. He spoke with me and held my hand.
Probably not a big deal to you for I am sure you've met him from
your appearance in The Stand, but I was very excited:-)
Take care Joe Bob stay smart and stay sexy! :-)
Peace and Love,
Chelsea Mac Isaac ( SashaofDelain )
FairLawn, NJ
Dear Chelsea,
Oh no, I get excited when Stephen King holds MY hand, too.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Joe
Bob,
Sorry to see that you are leaving TNT's Monstervision. The movies
really aren't worth much without your wry comments. I hope you
will keep your fans posted regarding your future moves. In the
meantime, can you give us a list of your movie rolls? Clint
Howard provides us with the "Clint Moment" and from
time to time I happen to see a few minutes in a move in which I
am provided with a "Joe Bob Moment." Please let us know
where we can look for you.
thanks
Mitchell Adrian
Farmville, VA
Mitchell,
There are so FEW "Joe Bob moments" in real movies that
I'm embarrassed to list them. I would say "Casino" and
"The Stand" are pretty good ones. The others are so
short as to be barely existent.
Preciate the support, bud.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
It's
a conspiracy, man! First it was 'Fractured Fairy Tales' and 'The
Rocky and Bulwinkle Show''. Then it was the Adam West version of
'Batman'. Then years later it is 'Mystery Science Theater 3000'.
And now on the heels of MST3K's cancellation is your removal from
'MonsterVision'. The 'Man' is taking away all of the great
tongue-in-cheek programs! I guess it is the old rule of
broadcasting to appeal to the lowest common denominator and
cancel anything that appeals to those of us who have some grey
matter left that is at work here. Did ya ever think about
pitching an idea at Comedy Central for a show where you are a
host of cheesey drive-in movies, of course CC would probably want
only comedies. Well heck, you could go back to work for
Showtime. I have to go cry in my beer now for the loss of
MST3K and JBB. By the way, have you heard anytihing from your
former associate in MonsterVision Rusty the mailgirl?
Long live JBB and MST3K,
Yog Sothoth
Dear Michael (good try on the fake name),
I'm afraid that Rusty has forsaken me now that I can't offer
Hollywood A-list parties and rides up Highway 101 in my
Lamborghini. Of course, I could NEVER offer Hollywood A-list
parties or rides up Highway 101 in my Lamborghini, which is why
Rusty never talked to me in the first place. But Rusty is
pursuing her acting stuff out in Hollywood, and I hope somebody
gets a hold of her and uses her right. (That didn't sound good,
did it?)
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
What the hell happened?!!!!!! Why aren't you hosting
Monstervision anymore?
Was Children of the Corn II your last movie? WHAT A HORRIBLE LAST
MOVIE!!!!!!--and no indication that you were leaving! What the
hell happened?!!!!! You--especially you--and
I--especially-especially me--both know Monstervision will fail
for them without you. Please let me know, if you can, what the
hell happened. I became a huge fan of your humor watching
YOUR--not their--show every Friday, then Saturday night; your
right up there with Letterman and Stern. Do I need to add I
sacrificed many a date to watch your show!? And I do mean
sacrificed!
Seriously, please me know if you can what happened. Thanks.
And all kidding aside thanks a lot for the great laughs every
weekend, man.
Dear JKDMMK,
I do appreciate that burst of emotional indignation. Made me feel
great! "Exactly what happened" at TNT is one of those
mystical concepts that we've been tossing about without success.
They tired of the show, I suppose, and fired my butt. I do regret
the lack of a farewell show. I love farewell shows, and could
have constructed a great one. They chose not to tell me until
after I had taped the final episode. But hey! Don't knock
"Children of the Corn II." Do you KNOW who you're
talking to here?
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
I just heard the announcement and saw the pics for the Mummy 2.
At least they sort of have a plot. I won't go so far as to say
that it's interesting.
lara
Lara,
Well, they used up so many zombie plots in "The Mummy"
that "The Mummy 2" could be anything from "Return
of the Living Dead" to "Army of Darkness."
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
You Rule!! I have a few questions for ya.
Is
John Bloom going to be back doing God Stuff? I understand that
you know him fairly well.
Do You like Rudy Ray Moore movies?
Do you like apple butter? Cause if you do I will send you some.
Alan Birkemeier
Dear Alan,
No to "God Stuff."
Big yes to Rudy Ray.
What's apple butter? It sounds like something they'd serve at
Cracker Barrel and sell in a fruit jar for nine bucks.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
Thanks for answering and printing my letter. I wanted to say that
beyond providing entertainment to the masses, you've slipped some
very profound thoughts into your material. Your explanation of
why indians don't make good movie leads (sure just leave nature
the way it is, we'll just watch that for 2 hours) during Valley
of the Gwangi is one of the best back-handed environmental
statements I've heard from a public figure. The "We're all
nerds" speech is an outstanding plea for tolarance. You
reminded us that the Iraqi's were the worlds first beer drinkers
during the Gulf War. You've asked us to not give AIDS patients a
hard time for being sick. I don't understand it when people call
you a Nazi (anyone who's publicly stated on more than one
occasion that he won't tolarate nuclear war in his own home
obviously isn't a fascist or even a Republican). Your
self-effacing demeanor let's you say all this great stuff without
sounding holier-than-thou. This is why the world needs you.
Hang
in there,
Justin Case
Joe Bob,
RE: Louisville's own sleazoid drive-in auteur now has whup-ass
web site!
http://www.williamgirdler.com/news.html
I particaularly reccomend the juicy decapitation clip
downloadable from part two of the Lee Jones section. While yer
there, read up on Lee's association with Gird, and with movies
like SUPERVAN and HILLBILLY HOOKERS.
I'm the guy with the shriner in the "news" section, but
the site was created by the lovely and talented (and strangely
obsessed) Patty Breen.
I
think a link is in order, don't you?
Tobin Fields
Louisville, KY
Dear Tobin,
You guys are right when you point out that William Girdler is one
of the most unappreciated of all great trash film directors. I
think it's because he died at age 30 and most of these guys only
become well known when they're old men and have a vast body of
work. But certainly his "Exorcist" ripoff,
"Abby," should be on any exploitation buff's must-see
list, along with "Three on a Meathook," "Sheba
Baby" with Pam Grier, and "Grizzly." Let'a all
drink a toast tonight to the Auteur of Louisville.
And yes, I'll add the link.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
Ok question the way that the good-bye note on the TNT-TURNER JOE
BOB BRIGGS MONSTERVISION site reads it sounds like you wont be
doing the show anymore, here shortly.The question is who is going
to be doing the show when and if you leave and are you going to
still be doing a show where you put on movies like you do on
TNT,and if so where and when will you be doing that. The fans of
the Drive-In sure would appreciate it if you could put that on
your web site so they can find the information on that of if you
could email them the information either way would work just
fine,but if and when you do leave TNT it sure would be nice if
you would still be doing a show where you show movies like you do
on TNT but maybe just on a different channel would be the only
difference you know what I mean otherwise everything would
be just fine ...Now if you do go ahead and dot that just make
sure it`s on a popular enough channel that if n! ot all of
AMERICA can see you and the movies that you put on, that at least
if it`s a popular enough channel most of like 70% or more of
AMERICA and that most of the MONSTERVISION(DRIVE IN MOVIE FANS)
would have a pretty good chance to see you and th movies that you
will be showing if you do go ahead and do something like
that.........
signed
BRIAN ESCUE a great MONSTERVISION FAN (OR A GREAT DRIVE -IN FAN)
{AKA}{A GENERAL PURPOSE MOVIE FAN}
Dear Brian,
Well, bud, I'm trying my best to satisfy all your criteria in all
respects. Preciate the support. It means a lot to me.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Hi Joe Bob,
My boyfriend and I have been watching you on TNT for 3 years.
Then all of the sudden you disappeared. I think we must have
missed your last night because it seemed rather sudden to us that
you were gone. I've checked out your new WEB page and it looks
cool so we'll probably be back. I hope you're doing well now that
you're not with TNT. Keep stayin' up late and watchin' those
Drive in Movies. I'm going to miss your drive in totals. I have
always loved them.
Devoted watchers :)
Darchele Frantz & Tony
Maryland Height, MO
Dear Darchele and Tony,
Be sure to keep a notepad by the TV--for drive-in totalling--just
until I get back!
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Hey Joe Bob:
This is damn fun site, loved the transcript of your hosting that
movietheme concert.
I think I said it before but, it's TNT's loss most of all-as in
ratings. But I get the picture that they don't care much
about hosted or "themed" movie showing much anymore.
All part of this oh so corporate "streamlining", or,
let's-make-cable-TV-even-MORE-boring thinking.
In fact, I came across a TV Guide from about five years ago,
behind the couch (so that's where it went) when searching for the
channel clicker, and TNT (and TBS) used to show a lot of cool
movies some going back to the 30's and 40's. Now, you rarely see
anything before l990, and then it's all that made-for-cable crap
that rips off classics anyhow. The action seems to be over at AMC
these days. They oughta hire you for their next Monsterfest.
Also I've been finding the locations of local "dead"
drive ins. We still have a ton of 'em up here in the northeast.
The idea is to photograph them for the record, whatever is left
of them. Some are just fields of weeds with metal poles sticking
up, some still have the screens up, and others still have the
projection shed.
On a happier note, we have a local drive-in that is doing BOOMING
BUSINESS. They have to turn people away from their THREE
SCREENS. They used to be a porno pit in the 70's and 80's and
then, someone bought the place and started running first run pix
at $13.00 a carload. So, I have organized a night with some
friends "In Honor of Joe Bob Briggs".
We also have a local cinema that I grew up watching Godzilla
flicks at (it used to be a Jerry Lewis Cinema 30 years back
)and it changed hands lots, until, just when we thought it was
going be torn down, a young dot-commer bought it and has started
running first runs and older films as midnite showings. He should
be sainted. And so should you.
Stay well sir,
Bob Eggleton
Dear Bob,
You summed it up pretty nicely, bud. Where IS this drive-in? I
don't wanna miss anything!
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Joe
Bob,
well, I'm gonna miss you!
I hope you do another show. With Clint Howard.
They should put you guys in the new A-Team, with Lenny Von
Dohlen, Tom Wopat and Julie Strain.
(sadly) I would totally watch that show.
love,
Darci Ratliff
Denton, TX
Dear Darci,
You forgot Mario Van Peebles.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Hi joebob,
Tuned in halfway into that movie, and..... ???!!?!??! It's the
weird thing (I think) I've ever seen. And I'm pretty open to
symbolic n'abstract stuff, but this last scene really book the
cake. I grew up in Germany, so am used to fairy tale like
stories, but I really reanted to shut the TV off after that last
scene, but thought I'd wait to see if you could give some clues
on it. But I see you were just as stumped on that....
the girl climbs up on a tree, finds a nest, puts some lipstick on
and then watches with a smile as the eggs in the nest crack open,
and there are . . . little baby statues in it. .... ???!!?.. You
should've seen my puzzled face as I'm watching this. I think then
I said, this is really stupid... Then the girl comes home &
shows the little statue to her mom, and the statue cries a tear
... ??!! Maybe keywords were as mentioned before...(like
the eggs), cracked open!!! Whoever wrote this had their mind
cracked open by something, or was on crack, or like you said, too
too many painkillers. After commercials, when you were just as
puzzled as me, we had the same facial expression, you said you
had no clue either on the (possible) supposed symbolism in this,
asked if someone could possibly e-mail you on it, and I couldn't
resist sending you this.... just to agree, THIS IS A WEIRDEST
MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN, IF THE THE STUPIDEST.... I don't get it
(probably can't be gotten by anyone who's straight, and not on
LSD, or something.. And man, I've done LSD in the 60's few times,
and even on acid nothing was this weird!!!! Anyway, bye, GOD
BLESS you (& keep you sane, since you have to host movies
like this..haha)
Sincerely, V. (vera) Klein
Dear Vera,
Maybe you should drop acid again and rewatch it. It might
be our only hope.
All my best,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
Hmmm...eggs. Small human figures. I'm guessing they're meant to
represent one of the possible outcomes of a successful seduction.
But then you wouldn't be the first guy to miss the connection.
Anne Darling
Dear Anne,
Ah! So it IS a chick flick! I guess you can't ask a wolf to use
contraception, can you?
Thanks for that brilliant female analysis.
All my best,
Joe Bob
Joe Bob,
Concerning that whole solves/statues that cry thing on the movie;
I wonder if it is not symbological of children? Having done
extensive research on wolves and their relation to man, I have
come across a common theme: wolves most usually relate to human
sexuality--therefore, perhaps the figurines in the movie
symbolize babies. Woman + Werewolf = little stone people. OK,
that sounds pretty crazy when you express it that way. The point
is, the girl is getting led "into the forest" by the
wolf, and comes across eggs. Eggs represent ideas, new
beginnings...while stone represents, well, what does stone make
you think of? The fact that they were crying could represent
emotions that come from sex, regret, a lot of things. I don't
know, I just took a poetry class and learned how to break ideas
down into their symbols, and build a meaning up again from there.
OK, now that you know all that, just break it down. It makes
sense.
Kind of.
Aubrey Rudy
Dear Aubrey,
Okay, yeah, sort of, I think I know what you mean. Eggs and stone
people.
Okay, got it.
All my best,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
I'm very sorry to hear that TNT has nixed your show. Saturday
nights won't be the same without you. I can't imagine what they'd
replace your show with. Looking into my crystal ball, I predict
their ratings in that time slot will plummet, and that 6 months
from now they'll sheepishly call you and ask you to come back. It
might be fun to come up with a list of demands for such an
occasion ("I'll only come back if you give me...").
Best wishes,
Katherine Wood
San Diego, CA
Katherine,
I guess that would be the Charles Bronson theory of network TV
strategy. I like it!
Hang in there,
Joe Bob
Dear Joe Bob,
So Ted in Atlanta just pulls the plug on you or what? No farewell
show?..no goodbyes?...nothing? That bites! Let me say we are huge
fans of yours. You are the funniest, most seemingly well-read,
most observant, movie buff historian, hick of for all men,
comic-host we have ever seen. Especially since those Mystery
Science Theater 3K guys got their plug pulled. You are our
Saturday late nite routine..and we will be sorry to see you go.
Find a new home and let us know soon. The world is not the same
without yourtwisted wit.
Hank & Cindy Vogel
Tujunga, California
Dear Hank and Cindy,
A guy sure does get popular after he gets FIRED. Thanks for
thesupport, guys. I'm working on it.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob |